DS 17 in such a mess

[noteventhebestdrummer]

He's at heart a lovely person but has forgotten how to be lately.

He met a girl last year, she's at uni, started taking drugs with her and fell apart. He's getting help with his drug habit and things looked better although he's being a complete pain at school (AS year) and I think they will kick him out.

A lot ot the time he votes with his feet and goes to hers. I am trying to keep him talking to me but I think I'm being too soft. It's exhausting to cope with the anxiety of what they might be doing, I have other kids too.

Should I just let him find out the hard way that he is messing up his school opportunities? His report grades are actually ok from last term but they are so frustrated with him. He has so much potential but he puts the 'needs' of his girlfriend way above his own work. Help!

Sorry to hear about your son going through a tough time. V hard for him and vv hard for you too.

I have two teenagers too.

I think he does realise that he's got into a corner but he also thinks he can do school on HIS terms and that's about to come to a head this week I am afraid.

Good plan to talk to them at school again I think, maybe before they demand to talk to ME. He has self-harmed again recently which makes me think he's not at all as OK as he says, I hope his school will see that they need to offer support but it is hard for them when he takes their rules so casually.

In many ways he is fiercely independent and resistant to my support, he has realised that I've got to the point where I won't lie to school or his girlfriends mother, she is worried too. Really, I'd like to fast-forward 5 years because I think he WILL be OK, it is, as you both say, very hard to watch big kids make mistakes.

Total empathy from here as going thro pretty much the same scenario with my own 17 yr old son. Not the girlfriend bit as my DS1's girlfriend broke up with him after 2 years and it sort of spiralled him into stupid behaviour .. cannabis, stupidity on his moped that had him arrested (!) and more..

My son is sandwiched (age wise) between two sisters, 18 and 16 and the one thing that I have realised is that quite a lot of boys their age just are NOT as mature as we expect them to be.. toddler brain locked into an adult body, and it's a crappy combination.. all impulses and no ability to foresee consequences or take on board that their actions NOW will screw up the future. My son truly seems to live day by day. Drives me NUTS.

It sounds as though you are doing all you can. I have been pretty tough (I think) on my son at times.. and yes you can ground a 17 year old.. my home my rules...study or get a job! We sold my son's moped (we had bought it originally so he could get to his p/t job) when we discovered he was using it stupidly.. ok it means I'm taxi but it also taught him that if he screwed up there were consequences...he has no transport of his own. The drugs use has been tough.. he doesn't see there is any harm in the odd use of dope.. I have really struggles with that .initially blew my top, but am hanging on to the thought that he will probably outgrow it.. but the day he brings it home I'll make life pretty unpleasant

keeping talking is the biggest thing you can do I think. My eldest daughter , 18 consoles me with the thought that an awful lot of her male friends are asses..but are gradually getting their heads together year by year..hold on to that thought!!!

The stress it brings tho is horrible.. totally feel for you! (I have 4 teens, DD 1..off to med school and very sensible.. DS1..no end of grief, DD2, bulimic DS2 autistic, LD... same parents, same parenting.. totally different kids..

hang in there....!

Terrible week.

Called the police the day he was in his room upstairs, shouting at his girlfriend to leave, threatening to cut himself again, she was screaming, he had broken the window, she wouldn't get out...he was hurt but not badly and she was ok. He agreed to go to hospital where the psychiastist said he was fine (apparently, they won't talk to me) and could go home. He ran away when I said he had to wait while we took his girlfriend to her mums...but he turned up at home an hour later.

So I am trying to get him to see he needs help. He HAS been to the doctor to get sick notes for school, he did one day in school this week. Girlfriend owned up to buying him drugs so trying to empower her not to and to scare her a bit as well. I'm at the point of seeing that he can only live with us on our terms and that is a horrible, horrible thing to face.

Nothing useful to add but just sending you some support.

Sounds like the girl is doing his head in, if he could get counselling just for the relationship issues (codependency type stuff), he'd probably straighten out overall.

If the girl is heavy into drugs he might be willing to attend something like Al-Anon meetings for partners of drug addicts?

Have the girlfriends mum on board. They've been taking mephedrone. Things seem calmer but that's partly because he's no longer in school.

I have learned at last to let go of trying to control all this since it's blindingly obvious that I can't...it's so hard having to wait for him to want to help himself. I didn't dream or hope for this and it's a sh** way to have to live for all of us.

Quote from Wikipaedia: On 7 April 2010 the Misuse of Drugs Act 1971 (Amendment) Order 2010 was passed by parliament, making mephedrone and other substituted cathinones Class B drugs from 16 April 2010.

It is ilegal!

Thanks...getting good support from a group here. It kind of helps to know there a lots of kids in a mess but I want one to be OK. Agree it is good for the younger kids to have space from the anger of it all.

And yes, mephedrone is illegal now.