I'm hoping some more experienced parent of teenagers can give me some advice, or even a new perspective as I am really struggling with DS1.
I have posted various things about him before but am now at the point where I feel I am getting everything wrong.
He is 13 and in year 8. He has always been very bright but from about halfway through reception he started to misbehave at school. Everyone, including the teachers, felt this was down to boredom but despite the best efforts from us and teachers, it never really improved! By naughty I do not mean nasty or bullying, more low level disruption, annoyance and laziness. He is also not exceptionally bright or gifted, just more 'top end'.
He has always managed to do very well with minimum effort. His school work has always been appalling. When made to, he can produce very good pieces of work but if not checked, he would literally hand in one line as a piece of homework.
Now 2 terms into year 8 and it is getting quite serious. The behaviour also is not getting better and he is very immature, both in behaviour and physically, which I do not think is helping.
At his school they have 3 pathways. He is in the middle pathway. We have recently found that the work is the same for the top pathway, and for the top end of the middle pathway which is where he is. The difference seems to be attitude and behaviour. They have a uniform and equipment card which is signed each time they are missing a piece of uniform or equipment. For every 5 signatures there is an after school detention. Since spetember he has had 15 signatures!!
We have just had parents evening which was frankly excruciating. He apparently cannot be sitting next to anybody in some subjects as he just will not get on, and disturbs others. He was described as lazy by some teachers. He will not accept responsibility for his actions, which we well know, and when told off acts like he is being treated unfairly.
Just before parents evening I spoke with the head of year who suggested he be put on report. After one week only just over half of his lessons had at least a satisfactory outcome. Even on the day of parents evening he did not have some books with him, you would think whilst on report and on parents evening day he would maybe bother a little!
We had also just become aware that a fair amount of his tech written work had not been done and the first we heard was an after school detention. WE went through with him what was missing and made him complete it to a good standard. Only to find there was still another piece of work to do.
A couple of hours ago he was sitting around so I asked him to go do it. Only to find him laying on the sofa, literally scrawling a few words in his tech book. So I made him get a plain piece of A4 and do it again, stick it over the original (I will explain this to the teacher in a note) as I just will not let him keep doing this. During this time his friend turned up but I made him finish it before he went out, which I am sure was embarrassing but I am past caring now.
We are at our witts end with his school work now. We were told he is capable of straight As at GCSE but he will not get them unless he applies himself. I have removed his xbox until he improves and since a few days ago also his lap top as his attitude is appalling at the mo. Part of me now feels like I am too involved - checking books, planner, homework etc and making him re do work. He is also annoyed that it was mainly down to me that he was put on report but at parents evening all the teachers were saying thank goodness we did (still need to get to the bottom of why they didn't do it first!)But what else can we do. His attitude is getting worse, probably hormonal too but he just cannot accept responsibility for anything. Apparently none of the signatures on his card have been his fault and all the low scores on his report card for the week are due to the teachers being horrible and miserable.
When he started secondary school we did decide to let him make his own mistakes and take the punishment if he missed work but he just doesn't get it, as he won't believe that he is ever at fault. It got to the point where we had to intervene or he will flunk all his subjects. He school report this year will be appalling.
So now he is without an x box or his laptop and I have told him he will not get them back until there is a significant improvement at school and in his attitude. I have also said that if he continues to misbehave and not do his work and also be so awful at home he will lose his phone and facebook / msn.
He is also continually telling us that no one else does better with their work. Everyone has more signatures than him. They all get loads more pocket money and a later bed time, plus their parents don't check their work etc. We have explained that firstly we are not the parents of everyone else and secondly we would love to not have to check his school work etc but if we don't, he doesn't do it! I think the pocket moeny and bed times are reasonable too but he has almost convinced me that we are getting this all very wrong.
So, my question is, are we getting this wrong? Should we just back off and let him get on with it? Is removing the x box and laptop too harsh?
Every night we send him off to pack his school bag and I think he just stands in his room for 5 mins and comes out again. Nothing seems to drum into him that he needs to change his attitude.
He does listen, apologise, say he will improve etc and within 24 hours its back to the same.
I am considering bribery but am not convinced it will work.
I am also aware he is not taking drugs, nicking cars, having underage sex etc etc. But he is being a pain in the arse at school, a bit disrespectful to us and teachers, lying and not doing as he is asked.
Please help!