18 year old moving in with older boy friend -sorry long

[TeddyBare]

My mum is asking me to speak to my dsis about moving in with her bf.
She is 18 but working full time as she dropped out of school after year 12. She dropped out because she didn't work very hard for her AS exams so the school said she had to resit the year or resit all of the exams - neither of which she wanted to do. She is working full time as a waitress paying rent to her parents atm, with the intention of eventually joining the army or police (still undecided). She has now decided to move in with her 25 year old boy friend. They've been together for over a year - secretly to begin with and later my mum and step dad accepted it because they thought it was better to get to know him than for them to continue secretly. They've been on holiday together a couple of times and spent easter with his parents.
They have come back this evening and announced that they will be moving in together - they've found a house and payed a deposit.
Obviously her parents are a bit lost. They don't like the guy much as he can be very controlling. For example he told her (which she told me) that he wouldn't go to her 18th birthday party unless he could veto some of the people on the invite list including me and her brother and quite a few of her friends (she ended up with 4 of her friends, him and one of his friends there); he has arranged for them to go up to Scotland to visit his parents on the weekend of her best friend's 18th when he realised that some of the vetoed friends would be at this other girl's party; he doesn't like her to spend time with her friends from school because he thinks they're "childish". He has helped her a lot in other respects though. She has struggled with eating disorders since she was 12, and has finally put that behind her now.
My mum has asked me to speak to her about it to try to persuade her not to move out. Her parents are worried she will not have time (she will have a long commute to work and works long hours) or wont be allowed to speak to them anymore. They have already seen how difficult he makes it for her to stay in contact with old friends- arranging things when they're meeting up, she cooks for her parents 5 nights a week (it's part of the deal with her rent) and he comes over and eats with her before her parents get home from work (they both work odd hours) which means that she can't really see friends as he doesn't like them and he is always there. Her parents are worried that this will be extended to them if she moves out. She can't see this and claims she loves him. She told me she was dissapointed the necklace he got her for her birthday wasn't a ring. I know they've spoken about having children together because she spoke about it to me after they met my dd - he said he wants dcs as soon as they can afford to. I'm worried she'll end up trapped in the job she's in with dcs before she's 25 and had a chance to live.
She used to open up to me, but since I had dd I have hardly spoken to her without him there. I have tried to invite her to come out with me when dh has dd, but she never wants to / has time to. She seems happy to be controlled by him but it doesn't seem to be in her best interests. How would you handle this? She knows she's always welcome at her home or with me and dh, but she never comes to visit us without him.

She obviously loves her BF. She's 18. I'm not sure there is anything you can do, TBH, apart from really encouraging her to join the army or police.

Thank you for reading through it all. She knows her parents aren't keen on the bf, but doesn't know I agree with them. Would telling her make her see they're speaking sence or just make her stop speaking to me? I don't understand how she's thinking.
Does joining the police have a basic training element which would take her away from home for a while do you know?

He sounds like a controlling bully. I would be very concerned. Try and get her on her own as much as you can and gently try and get her to see that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Very difficult. You mention she had an eating disorder which suggests a certain level of emotional fragility. Blokes like this are experts at homing in on vulnerable women.

I am sure someone will be along with good advice in a minute

Oh dear, this sounds like my life 14 years ago. I met ex when I was 16 and he was 24, but I was going out with his friend. We became good friends and over time he convinced me that my boyfriend wanted to dump me, was only staying as he thought I would harm myself. I started to believe him, whilst he told me I was great and how good he would treat me. We ended up together.

At this time my mum was ill (cancer). Within a month we moved in together. Two months later I was engaged and pregnant. I was 18.

He slowly showed his true colours, became aggressive, controlling and utterly abusive. I went through a terrible time and got no support from him even when my mum died ( I was only 19).

After 2 and a half years I snapped, reached a point , I don't know what but I told him it was over, and left with our son.

I was amazed at how strong I had become, putting up with all that shit made me realise I could cope with anything.

I am now 32. The problem is, I would never have seen it, or listened at the time. HIS friends warned me about him, but I didn't believe them. My parents on the other hand never said a bad word against him. When I announced I was pregnant they were on my doorstep within the hour with flowers and congratulations. Looking back, I doubt they were please, but I genuinely believed they wre. If they hadn't, it would have alienated me from them.

What I an trying to say is your sister needs to deal with this herself. Yes she will probably move in with him, and from the sounds of it it will be a huge mistake. But at the moment she doesn't think it is. If you tell her, she will lose trust in you. You and her parents need to keep in touch as much as you can, even if that means he is always there. Do not slag him off to her, he will just convince her that he is rights and you are all evil and not to be trusted. Support her, even if you don't agree with what she is doing. She will do it anyway if you don't.

I have now been with my DH for 10 years and we have 2 more children together. We have a nice life. My life was not ruined by me ex, there was a time I thought it was, but that is now just something that happened.

But what I am thankful for is no one turned against me, and that is what she will feel if you tell her she is doing the wrong thing. She loves him, and until she stops, you just have to be there for her.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I'm feeling so useless about this. Her parents were hoping I'd be able to help her, but I have literally no idea how to. I'm going to speak to her this evening and just tell her that living with someone can be difficult and stressful, and that she will always have the support of her parents and me. This is so difficult I want to shout at her and tell her she's making a mistake, but I know that wont help her at all.

I def agree with not telling her, being super nice to her and the bf, and making sure that all the family really keep in contact.

At the end of the day, she has to make her own mistakes, and all you can do is to be close enough to catch her, and ensure she isn't isolated from everyone