16 yr old boy worried he is going off the rails

[cherylforest]

Hi
I have a wonderful son who has i think got in with the wrong crowd and seems to be making wrong choices it is exams soon and he just wants to go out. he has recently told me lots of lies unnecessary ones and i don't want an angel but i am losing my trust in him and that's hard.
Not sure on punishments don't want to be to hard or soft because go either way and its trouble.
We have an elder son and he was not like this you could reason with him .
i worry he end up getting hurt physically as he keeps going some dodgy areas.
any advice appreciated
thanks

Hi there

My son will be 18 in June. I have had such challenging, emotionally draining times with him over the last 2 years, everything from not studying for exams through to getting arrested after getting in with the wrong crow.

I am relieved to say that nearly two years on he is a lot calmer and more easy going. He has now moved into a shared house with his cousins and has a job.

I found the more I tried to impose my will/rules upon him, the more he rebelled and MAN did he rebel. I have other children to consider so really had to back off him but I found that by doing that the arguments were less. However he did get in with a bad crowd and has been clear of them for around 6 months now and I really think that has helped him move on and calm down.

I don't trust my son 100% as he used to lie to me constantly. Now he is trying to build it up again but I can't give you any tips about what to do because I found I had to let my son go through whatever it was that had a grip of him. We all have hopes and dreams for our children but I have learned that all children are individuals and certainly very different from their siblings.

If it was me I would just remind him regularly about revision and try to distract him away from his friends by doing other things as a family or getting him to help with some DIY around the house or something.

Even if it means him only spending two hours extra on a weekend at home it is two hours that he is not spending with that crowd.

I really wish you luck but you need to prepare yourself for it getting worse before it gets better; pick your battles and constantly remind yourself that by the time he is an adult he won't be like this - he will be through it.

Good luck.

Been there and am still wearing the T shirt!!
My DS1 has put us through the mill on and off since he was about 12... vile wall smashing tempers aged 12-14, then smoking, then the complete lack of revision for GCSEs... lying, stealing (from us).. yadda yadda.

It's hard ..really hard. I spent an awful lot of time wondering what the heck I did wrong, and why DS1 had gone off the rails when his two sisters and brother haven't. I attended a parenting course for difficult teens (which actually cheered me up..OMG some were so much worse)

On the exams front, I made myself seriously unpopular with DS1.. I came down on him hard. When his teachers started ringing me to tell me they were concerned he wouldn't pass his GCSEs as he did sod all work I clamped down, printed off every past paper from the internet possible (each exam board has these) and he wasn't allowed out until he had done 2 past papers a day. He HATED me... right up til results day when he passed everything with C or above.....

It hasn't got a lot easier.. he's doing a Media B tec, but managed to get himself curfewed by the local police for misuse of his moped (bought to get him to his evening job!). The curfew has been GREAT and I wish it could continue , but he still is basically a bit of a prat. He IS working 5 evenings a week at Domino's Pizza which keeps him off the streets but we recently discovered he is smoking pot... It feels never ending.. but I hold on to the hope that with patience and firm boundaries he WILL eventually grow up...in the meantime we limit the damage (and in the case of smoking pot..I've confiscated his bank card so he can't spend anything....!)

Some boys really know how to test the sanity of their parents. My DS1 is actually a loving and gentle boy, who is fab with his autistic brother, cares about his sisters, and can be just lovely...and I hang on to that!

I second the siblings comment.. my DS1's two sisters are high flying academic, well behaved easy going girls who have given me the minimum of stress... kids are just different.

Try and keep the lines if communication open..talk when he WILL talk and don't be afraid to impose boundaries. My son has been a pita despite them but I have no doubt they have helped!!