Should we let them live together?

[LouLouTwo]

My DD is 18 and (hopefully) going to Uni in the Autumn, grades permitting. She has been going out with the same boy for 3 years, we always assumed it would fizzle out in time, probably when they went away to college if not before. However, they have applied to all the same colleges and selected the same ones as their firm choices. We weren't keen on this and really encouraged her to choose on the basis of the courses and the cities, which she said she did, but they still ended up with all the same choices...Oh well, we thought, perhaps it will still come to a natural end when they are there and meet all those new people. Recently we have been talking about accomodation and have spent a while looking at different options, prices, going to look round etc. On the Uni visit day they were told that if they had a friend who was coming to the same Uni, they could apply to be in the same flat (they are all self catering mixed gender flats). You can guess where this is going...Some of the flats are for two people, and straight away she (and he) wanted to apply to live in one of those, just the two of them, together. Through talking about it and expressing my concerns (to her) - e.g. you might find it hard to make other friends, you might be rushing in to this, you are both very young, living with somebody as a couple can be pretty hard work, you need your own space to study and relax...the list goes on - they have now moved to a position where they are planning to apply together to one of the six bedroom flats. I just don't know what to do, or if I can or should do anything. She will be paying for the accomodation herself out of her student loan (so will he). The young man is pleasant enough, and it's not the sex that bothers me, from my memories of Uni they could be doing that whether ot not they live in the same flat. It's more the feeling that she will be missing out on so much doing this, and that she might seem 'joined at the hip' very early on, so not make other friends. Has anyone else had this? Advice please!

I dont honestly think there is much you can do tbh.

Just be there to advise her if things go badly and mop up her tears if things end.

But be the first to say to her if things are going well how proud of her you are.

Maybe the environment in uni will make both of them see the 'other side' and soon they will realise the fun they are missing.

Perhaps it will be beneficial to her studies-they already know each others ways etc and maybe uni will be a place where their love grew as they studied?

I take it shes well informed on contraception.

Is not so much the fact that she will not make friends but what happens if it ends traumaticaly once she is there.

I know several people (including me) who met someone on their fist day at University and basically formed a relationsip sometime afer that which never ended. Others got married while at University and it ended some years after they left.

Going to University with a long term relationship is much more tricky. It is such a life changing event as you know yourself. People grow up, mature meet new people, thnk differenlty about life and what they want. When they leave University their life changes again. There is a lot to get through and a relationship has to be incredibly strong and flexible to get through all that.

It sounds like they have made up their minds and they feel adult and their lfe and future is ahead of them. I doubt you can stop them but maybe you can have a contingency plan if the worst come to the worst. I am surprised that Universities allow couples to live together in University accomodation in their first year. Maybe the Unversity will stop it happening.

I think that it is a bad idea for lots of reasons-however I don't see any way of stopping it and opposition will make them all the more determined. You will just have to be ready to mop up the pieces if it all goes wrong.(Sorry but there isn't a neat solution).

It sounds like they are both pretty sensible and that you are able to talk to them quite openly about your concerns, they have showed maturity by compromising and going for a 6 share rather than just the two of them.

3 years together already is quite an achievement at their age so they are obviously well suited and it maybe that they are one of those couples who have already found one another (lucky them).

What do his parents think about it all?

Think you have to let them follow their path and be there if things turn to mush.

I don't think you can stop it (dh and I met at Uni and though we didn't "live" together we were pretty much joined at the hip actually) but I would want to sit down, with both of them if possible, and talk about how it would work out.

Its good that he's a nice lad, but I think it could be very important to find out how they view roles etc - I would hate to find either of my dds (who are 6 and 10 so not too worried yet!) in a situation where they were doing all the domestic work - and I was in mixed flats at Uni, and knew people in them, where the girls ended up doing the cleaning and in one case, most of the cooking as well.

I'd want to make sure that they were remaining financially independent at this point, how they were going to work out things like paying for food if they are going to eat together, so that one of them doesn't end up 'supporting' the other one.

Its nice that they are committed and we are friends now with 2 couples who have been together since they were 15/16 and are married with children and happy. But they do need to approach it sensibly and with a 'plan' for how they are going to work things out on a day to day basis, I think.

I'd feel the same as you. Going away to university is such a great opportunity to develop as an individual and going with a long term boyfriend would stifle that. I'd also be worried about them sticking together even if the relationship fizzled out just because of the living arrangements. I don't think there is much you can do other than explain to her what you think and why.

Might they be encouraged to apply for seperate flats. They will still spend a lot of time together but have some independance.

I had a long-term boyfriend when I went to university and we deliberately chose different institutes (albeit ones within commuting distance).

The reason was that I wanted to feel, if we stayed together, that we'd tested our relationship to the max. I felt that a long-distance relationship would be a good way of finding out if we were really right for each other. I went to live abroad after uni (alone) for the same reason.

Well, 15 years on and we are now married with kids, and I feel incredibly glad that we both had that chance to rethink and discover the world by ourselves. I feel sure that we are together through choice, not through habit.

I think you should say to your DD that of course she's free to do whatever she wants, but ask her to consider how she might feel when she's in her thirties. Explain that she needs to consider not just what will happen if they split up, but what will happen if they stay together.

Will she regret not having the chance to sow her wild oats, even if she never takes that chance?

I can honestly say I have no regrets about being with the same boyfriend since my teen years. I am not sure that I could say the same thing, had we stayed joined at the hip.

At the end of the day though this has to be her decision and I wouldn't try to consciously persuade her one way or the other - just try to get her to think about the issues.

Finally, uni accommodation is usually very, very competitive. Certainly when I went there were a significant number of people who didn't get into any of the halls they chose, and got assigned to outlying places or even B&Bs. You might find your DD and her boyfriend don't get their flat together after all and she should be mentally prepared for this too.

Oh and sorry this is a PS really, but I think you should rethink your attitude in the header.

I know you probably didn't mean it to come across so, but the "should we let them" mentality is probably filtering through to your DD.

You can't stop them - she's an adult now and this has to be her decision. The other thing is that it's just possible that she is not as fired up about this as you think, and is being hedged into it by her boyfriend. In which case you need to be the person on the other side giving her choices - not presenting her with an equally restrictive, albeit opposite, mindset.

DD and her BF of 2 years went off to University together - they weren't in the same Hall (thank God) but were pretty close. Within 8 weeks he'd met someone else and dumped her, and she never really recovered - because in those 8 weeks everyone else had been busy making friends and forming social circles, and she was stranded. She ended up quitting, enrolled elsewhere and is now living at home. It was a wasted year and she sees it as her failure.

I agree that you probably can't do anything about it, and should therefore give them your blessing but please be prepared for the possible fallout. And whatever else she does or doesn't do, your DD must make the effort to make friends independently of the BF.

You may be right on this one. But she is a young adult at 18 and is paying for it herself, so I really don't see that you get to make that decision for her. You can advise of course, and it may well be that your advice is wise, but I really don't think from now on it's going to be a question of your "letting her do things"- not unless you are the one actually paying (and then only in the sense of, "this money comes with strings").

"Wild oats" are probably excellent things (never sowed any myself as I met dh at early uni age and never looked back), but if they are "wild oats" you are told by your mum you ought to sow, then they lose some of that "wild oats" appeal iyswim.

I think they are def doing a great compromise by a 6 share flat.

Time will tell, and it's something they have to do to see where their relationship is heading.

i do tho, totally understand , where you, with expereince of life would want to step in and advise.

I would strongly discourage flat-sharing. After all, if the relationship lasts and they're in separate accomodation, there's no problem - they can still live in each other's pockets if that's what they want. But if all goes pear-shaped and they're in the same flat, it'll be really hard for them AND their flatmates. Plus I wonder how the other four people will feel about sharing with a pair of lovebirds?

Could you suggest they live together in their second year if they both still feel the same way? What's the big hurry?

Good luck!

You can't really "let" or stop them, they're adults paying for their own accomodation.

Thank goodness they are not going into one of the 2 bed flats where your daughter could end up isolated... And I think that is as good as it is going to get....

Are they on different courses? If so that will 'help' your daughter to make friends without him and hopefully go out without him so she's not so dependent on him.

I understand that worry, but the first year at Uni is an odd year anyway. The second year is brilliant!

understand your concern but she could just as easily fall for one of the people in a mixed flat and be joined at the hip with them from day one. Express your doubts, find out how easily she could move to a different flat if it went pear shaped and then step back. She's old enough to make her own mistakes.

Sounds like you don't like the boy that much but its her choice and many worse things could happen to her.

I think all you can do is get her to think about issues like how things would be if they had a row - you can't get your own space to sort out your head while you're living together. But if they want to do it, there's not much you can do about it.

FWIW universities will often be able to arrange a swap with someone in a different flat if things aren't working out for whatever reason, so this doesn't have to be them trapped together for the year if things go pear-shaped.

I don't really think there is anything you can do. You should let her do this, and let her learn for herself whether or not it is a mistake. I think the six person flat is better than two (as it would be more sociable) and ultimately, if they do fall out and start hating the sight of each other, you can usually apply to move when you're in uni accomodation.

Chances are, they will be roped into all sorts of excitement (particularly if they're sharing with 4 others), and may realise that what they decided is not necessarily the best. But it's their lesson to learn.

The more I think about it the more grateful I am that my mother did not presume to think for me when it came to adult relationships. Because I am sure it can not have seemed a good idea to her to pin all your hopes for the future on a holiday romance with a young man without settled employment and uncertain future. But 26 years later I think I can confidently say that it was the right thing for me. And I had to be trusted with that decision.

OP I understand how worried you must be in the situation. I think the 6 bed flat is a good idea, better than the 2 person flat.

However there is nothing to be gained from protesting - they must be pretty mature to have had a 3 year relationship.

My ex boss had a dd who went to uni with her boytfriend and moved in together in a flat. They are still together 1 year post graduation and are living in a flat together in London. So it can work out well.

Just wanted to say thank you so much to everybody who has posted here, the things you have said are pretty much the things which have been going round in my head, it's good to hear that the definite consensus is to let things be and be there if it all goes wrong...also good to hear stories of young love which has stood the test of time. Somebody said that the 'should we let them' attitude needs rethinking - I think you are right and I definitely have to accept that it's not a case of 'letting' any more, it's not easy though!! It wouldn't get me anywhere even if I tried it, would only drive her away or into secrecy I expect.
I do feel a lot better just for having had this discussion (was starting to falling in to the usual Am I a bad mother if I accept it? Or a bad mother if I do nothing about it? syndrome) so thanks again all.

just wanted to add that generally, first years have uni accomodation and then are encouraged to look again in the second years for private accomodation, so much changes in the first year, they may choose to go their seperate ways first year.
and a 6 bed flat is a great idea, try and get the 'flat parties' idea across to her...no student can resist haha!

We wouldn't like it. But as they are both over 18 they are adults and can make thier own decisions. You can advise them ,but in the end you just have to let them do what they want.