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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

11 yr old wants to go out with friends on sat

20 replies

raisinbran · 02/03/2010 18:24

Just had a blazing row with 11 yr old DS who informed me he wants to go to the local town 30 mins away to met his friends for the cinema and pizza on Sat. No other parents will be around to supervise

I have said no, he is too young and of course he was saying I was the meanest mother as he would look stupid when all his other friends are going.

whilst I think he could cope i just think its a slippery slope what has he got to look forward to when he is 13/14.

He has informed me he is going but not sure how as he needs transport and money.

Anyone else offer any advice how to handle this.

OP posts:

waitingforbedtime · 02/03/2010 18:30

I would have let him go BUT now youve said he's not allowed Im not sure Id back down tbh as he is being a bit rude to you. Would be tempted to say if he can be good and polite and help out during the rest of the week then he can go. If he keeps being disrespectful there isnt a hope in hell.

DecorHate · 02/03/2010 18:37

Is he at secondary school or still at primary? Either way this us the sort of thing they like to do at this age and is probably ok as long as you can trust him and his friends to behave. I am mean though and would only fund outings like that once in a while - eg for birthdays, end of term, etc.

As it is his first time you could compromise by taking him there and letting him go off with his friends for a few hours and then meet up with him again.

BITCAT · 02/03/2010 18:41

I have an 11yo and he is sensible and can manage a bus journey etc on his own. I also would have let him go. I have the same arguement every time with x dh who seems to want to wrap 11yo in cotton wool..although my son will be 12 in oct, as a child of a mother that never allowed me to experience these things.. i do allow for compromise in these situations. Does he have a mobile? so that you can check in with him...i call my son every 30mins if he travelling on bus..2..check he ok and he arrived safely. Has he an older sibling so cousin etc that can tag along to put your mind at ease? You say you beleive he can cope with it why not give him a chance..but of course put some conditions on it..so he still knows your in charge.

Original poster

raisinbran · 02/03/2010 18:44

Ok thanks for the response will have to reconsider. What is the latest you would let him stay out until in the evening?( he is at senior school but youngest in the class.)will pizza hut let a group of children in by themselves in the evening?

However as his behaviour / respect towards me and his younger brother is becoming unacceptable, I will use it as a reward for improved behaviour next time.

OP posts:

BITCAT · 02/03/2010 18:54

raisin bran i think thats a really good idea my 11yo will be 1 of the oldest as he starts in sept and will be 12 in oct..but we are going through the rude phase too.and we do the same stop his outings with friends etc..and it works. Told my ds if he wants respect from us he has to give respect too. I think they will be allowed in. On what time latest depends how getting home, how far has to walk from bus stop etc...still gets dark quite early at the moment. What would you be comfortable with. And what time does he usually go bed on a weekend etc..

janeite · 02/03/2010 19:03

I think you are right to not back down this time. If you do, he has got what he wanted through throwing a tantrum, which would be wrong.

However, you could say to him that you relaise he's upset but his inability to behave in a mature manner whilst upset proves to you that this time he's not quite ready to go. If he can show you that he is responsible over x amount of time by doing y and z (whatever - keeping his room clean for a week, feeding the goldfish without being reminded for a fortnight or whatever works best) he can go at such and such a time (agreed).

My dd2 is 12 and tbh she only goes to town (big city) when with her elder sister, or when taken and collected by us with an hour or two with her friends in between.

janeite · 02/03/2010 19:05

Oh and personally I wouldn't have either of them out unsupervised in the evening at all.

pointydog · 02/03/2010 19:22

Would this be his first trip to the town with fridnds?

There tends to be a progression with these things, which makes it all easier. So, first they go to their local town centre with friends and go to a local caff (tiresome, I agree, but it's a stage).

Then they go to the nearest Big Place during the day, for a bit of gentle shopping and a bite to eat in McDonalds.

Then they go shopping, food, cinema during the day.

Then they get on to eating out and an early evening film.

I don't like dd1 (13) being in the Big Place after dark.

Segsations · 02/03/2010 19:24

If he is at secondary school, I would be inclined to let him go. I would drive him there and be outside the cinema when he comes out.

Also make sure he has a mobile phone.

It is the age they do start wanting to go out with friends, and it has to happen sometime. Nerve wracking though it is!

janeite · 02/03/2010 19:26

That is a v good way of looking at it, Pointy. Have a brownie point.

pointydog · 02/03/2010 19:27

why thank you, jane.

2fedup · 05/03/2010 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Condensedmilkaddict · 27/03/2010 09:46

I think 11 is a bit too young myself...
I think 13 would be a better age.

Also, don't engage in a 'blazing row'. You are the parent. It's your decision. End of story.

inthesticks · 27/03/2010 13:57

I too think 11 is too young.
My DS1 was 13 when he did this first time, DS2 is a mature 12 and he will not be allowed to do it until he is 13.
Agree with Segsations about dropping off and picking up.
DS1's friend is a police officer and her advice was not to allow too much "spare" time wandering around town.Just enough to buy sweets and browse in Game or whatever.

Also make sure he knows which streets he ia allowed to go down ie where is safe and where might not be safe for teenage boys. For example in our local town there is a squre where crowds of youths congregate. DS knows he's not to go anywhere near there.

Sadly most shops view groups of teenagers as potntial shoplifters . DS has discovered that they can be made to feel very uncomfortable when innocently shopping for sweets. Worth a warning that this may happen.

Quattrocento · 27/03/2010 14:09

DD (11) goes out with friends to the cinema and eats. Is normal I think, although I don't let her out late in the evening and I do chauffeur her there and back.

Rubyrubyruby · 27/03/2010 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

majafa · 02/04/2010 14:04

My son is 11 too, he will be 12 in September this is also when he starts secondary school.

He in my opinion is too imature at the moment to be going into town with his mates.
this based on the antics he gets up to in the village where we live!!

However a few of his friends are june and july babys but year 7 and going into town seems to be the thing to do.

PickUpYourPants · 20/04/2010 22:48

This weekend my 13 year old went to the local town with her friends during the day. This is a small country town and within walking distance of her friends house. They also went to the cinema a 20 minutes drive away (driven there and back by a parent). Wouldn't let her go into the big town on her own especially not at night.

My 10 year old and her friends also went to the cinema. I drive them there buy the ticket and make sure they go into the screen. The staff tell me exactly when the film finishes and I then hang around (pop to the shops) and make sure I am back in the cinema 5 minutes before it finishes.

They have phones and text/call me if they need me

Stricnine · 21/04/2010 17:21

Gosh maybe I'm too trusting .. my 13 year old DD goes into town by train with friends, they go shopping, food, unders' club and usually home by train, although there's a rota of parents sometimes...

They love the freedom and so far have been really organised about setting it all up themselves & letting me know what train they'll be on etc.. Our only rule is that they stay together especially for coming home...

cat64 · 21/04/2010 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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