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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Am I encouraging them or helping to prevent an accident?

23 replies

diseyw · 27/02/2010 09:05

My just 15 year old DD is totally in love with her nearly 16 year old boyfriend and at the moment are meeting up after school every day and at the weekends also. They have been together for about a month now. They go out on dates but also just spend time at each others houses. When they are are here they sit in our living room and cuddle on the sofa whilst watching the tv but when they go to his house they go up to his room. DD is very open with me and told me last night that things moved on at his house yesterday and they got quite carried away but stopped short of going all the way. I am very lucky that she is so open with me and despite me giving her the talk about being safe and waiting I also understand that this does happen and want to know what to do next. She has told me that her boyfriend doesn't have any condoms so I would appreciate your views on whether to give my daughter some so that I know they will be safe or is this encouraging them to go further? I have not said anything to my DH about this at all as he would be totally shocked and unbelieving that his DD is in this situation. Please tell me if any of you have been in this situation before or have any advice, thanks

OP posts:

waitingforbedtime · 27/02/2010 09:10

I would encourage the use of condoms tbh and possibly the pill BUT make sure she uses condoms too for protection of STIs. Also tell her this doesnt mean she 'has' to do anything.

seeker · 27/02/2010 09:16

EeeeK. As the motehr of a 14 year old dd, this is really scsry!.

I think (I think) that you should give her condoms. BUT I also think that you should find a way to suggest that they don't go up to his room - how well do you know his parents? Could you have a chat to them? Or is that a bonkers idea?

It is SO not a good idea to have sex at 15 - but I know that there may be nothing you can do about it - so keeping her (and him) as safe as possible may be the best thing you can do. Not sure if this is at all helpful...

You've told her that you can get pregnant without "going all the way" haven't you? I'm sure you have - just checking in a paranoid manner!

Original poster

diseyw · 27/02/2010 15:19

I haven't actually met his parent's yet, so wouldn't feel comfortable talking to them. Apparently his mum is in the house whenever she has been there but they are allowed up to his room for hours on end undisturbed. My DD and I have talked lots about sex and relationships over the last couple of months and she has a very good understanding of everything I hope.
As they are meeting up again tonight (at his house) I am very tempted to give her a couple of condoms but to write a note with them to be shared with her boyfriend explaining that whilst I am not encouraging this, best to wait until older etc but that I do not want any accidents to occour and want them both to be safe. Does that sound mad?

OP posts:

ADifferentMe · 27/02/2010 17:17

Doesn't sound mad at all, and I think it's a good thing that you're including him in the letter - it might even make them think twice as she's obviously a sensible girl. The worst thing you could do is anything that stops her talking to you.

I know it's a fine line between condoning something and accepting that something's going to happen whatever you say.

Have you asked her what she actually wants to do? I wonder whether the fact that she's talking to you might mean she's hoping you'll help her get out of the situation.

Youngest DD (14) has just got her first BF and he's 16 - I'm terrified already!

Good luck

senorah · 27/02/2010 17:17

Have just discovered that my 16yrold DD has been having sex with 16yrold boyfriend. Despite talking openly and frankly about the risks,and waiting til GCSE's are over, they decided that the time was right, and to be fair they say they are in love. She did'nt want me know as she knew I would be upset.(Tears still flowing 1 week later
With the help of the school nurse she has just started the Pill.
In answer to your question, yes condoms are a good idea, and find out where local Family Planning is and give her address "for future reference".
God knows, it is a real blow when it happens, but at least we can keep them safe and let them know we are there for them.

ADifferentMe · 27/02/2010 17:25

Senorah - I would take great comfort from the "in love" statement. My eldest DD is 16 and says it's not unusual amongst some of her friends to have had 5 or 6 partners already .

All I want my girls to understand that they should only do what they feel comfortable with and if a boy loses interest because they say no, he's not worth knowing.

Original poster

diseyw · 28/02/2010 09:26

Thanks for everyone's advice, I did write a note and give her a couple of condoms to take to her boyfriends house last night with strict instructions to share the note with him; I also asked her if she thought I was doing the right thing to which she replied "yes". They went to the cinema last night and I had to pick them both up and drop him home (slightly tense as I didn't know at that time if he had read the note or not) anyway my daughter and I had a chat when we got in and she had given him the condoms and the note and he took it very well and even told her he was glad there was a note with it. She also says that they have agreed it is "too early" yet for intercourse but still want to be together in "other ways" . So at the moment am feeling that I have made the right decision and will continue to be as open as possible with both of them; phew teenagers! Thanks for everyone's advice.

OP posts:

sweetcat · 28/02/2010 09:48

Diseyw, may I say you sound like a great mum!

BertieBotts · 28/02/2010 09:56

It sounds like they are being very sensible How would you feel about suggesting she goes on the pill or gets an implant etc (if you do implant/injection I strongly suggest she tries a pill with the same hormones first as if there are any side effects, you can stop taking the pill) - just as extra protection, it would be best for her to use condoms as well.

She or her boyfriend can get free condoms from the family planning clinic, for future reference.

GardenersDelight · 28/02/2010 19:50

This is very similar to what we've been expriencing wih our DD16. We were going away for the weekend leaving her and her elder sister at home.A few days before she came home with her first ever set of matching underwear if you dont count barbie vest and pants and started asking what she could cook for her BF17 for valentines night(when we would be away)I left her a note with some condoms, not yet used as far as we know. Its scary being the parent of teenagers!

nappyaddict · 13/03/2010 22:10

I would take her to see the GP and go through which contraceptive options would be suitable for her and which she feels comfortable with. It's a minefield however cos I know people who have got pregnant using condoms (very mysterious cos no breaks, tears or leakages), the injection, the implant, the coil and even from non-penetrative sex (ie sperm was accidentally transferred from one place to another without intercourse taking place)

Nemofish · 13/03/2010 22:16

I would ask her if they have discussed contraception with each other yet, and if they have discussed what they would want to do if the condom split, or if she got pregnant etc.

If they have broached the subject, then congratulate them on their maturity and support them re: access to family planning clinic / GP for contraception. FWIW I had sex at 15 and had the injection and still used condoms as extra insurance! (with lots of spermicidal lube - oh the joys!)

And well done for talking about this sensibly with her instead of doing your nut and booking her into a nunnery! (however much you might want to!) (not that I'm saying you should) Oh I'll shut up now...

nappyaddict · 13/03/2010 22:24

Oh meant to say both the mirena and copper coil.

I would probably recommend something that she doesn't have to remember (so not the pill) and that both she and her boyfriend should have STI checks if they are not both virgins and don't want to use condoms.

ButterPie · 13/03/2010 22:25

I think you have done the exact right thing. maybe you need to check out if there is a young peoples drop in sexual health thingy (the one where I grew up was called Talkwise) just so you know that, if for some reason she didn't feel she could talk to you, she could go there.

The one in my town would give you a big bag of condoms if you just dropped in, I took advantage of this right until I turned 25!

nappyaddict · 13/03/2010 22:32

Something she may want to consider is the contraceptive patch. Again, not foolproof as I know someone who fell pregnant on this too, but it has the benefits of the pill but you only have to remember to put it on once a week as opposed to taking something daily.

ilovepiccolina · 13/03/2010 22:39

OP - they give them a lot of info at school these days, on ways to 'pleasure' without going all the way so I would first of all emphasise that there's no need for that ust yet, but I woul dmake sure some condoms were available just in case.

I had a big dilemma last year, when DD & her BF were both 15. My instinct was to clamp down/stop her seeing him etc. But someone o here asid that her first sexual experiences were in her own bed; ie a positive experience, without guilt etc. Mine were by the bins behind the shopping centre .

Trust your DD, and keep the lines of communication open. You're doing a good job!

ilovepiccolina · 13/03/2010 22:43

I was also lucky in that I knew his parents slightly, so I had a 'full and frank' discussio with his mum over the phone, in which I said that I don't want to be a Granny yet, and for her son to be sensible with my DD! DD then reported back to me that her BF's Dad had had 'the' man-to-man chat with him.

GardenPath · 14/03/2010 23:07

What a wonderful daughter you have and what a wonderful mum you are. Sounds as if you're handling it all beautifully. I hope the young man is also being as responsible. I have had four teenage daughters myself so I feel for you. Funnily enough there's a similar storyline running on the Archers (Radio 4) at the moment. It's inevitable teens'll have sex at some point, whatever we say, so best be prepared. As long as your daughter isn't being pressurised, and it doesn't sound as if she is. Oh, sensible, sensible mum.

GardenersDelight · 15/03/2010 12:17

Futher on from my post 2 weeks ago. After DD2 stayed over at BF's house and said she had'nt slept well cos of his snoring!!
We had a conversation and booked her in with practise nurse and she is now going to start on the pill,I didnt go with her which was what she wanted but I found hard, however I probably wouldnt have wanted my mum to come with me at16. When she got back I had another chat with her and said if she ever wanted to talk I was here for her- cue embarrassed mumbling from her, but at least I feel I've done my best
My DH thinks I'm encouraging her I think he's forgotten what he was like at 18-I havnt

GardenPath · 16/03/2010 01:05

HaHahahahaha..brilliant!

BritFish · 21/03/2010 21:17

oooooh i half want to say 'write a note in with the condoms' just because it would make me laugh, but for the love of god please dont!
you're handling this all brilliantly.
i told my kids that if they couldnt go and buy the condoms themselves, or ask at the clinic, they werent mature enough to be having sex.
thought that was quite rational of me!

GardenersDelight · 23/03/2010 13:50

My DH says that about the condoms but as l was embarressed buying them at 42 l didnt think a 16 or 17 yr old would and l dont want tobe a granny just yet

nappyaddict · 24/03/2010 10:45

If they have a debit card you can order them off the internet nowadays so no need to be embarrassed.

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