DD 16 gone off the rails (part 2)

[Evaprob]

Since last thread 16 Sept, DD has skipped more lessons, finally dropped that subject, had a pregnancy test in her room about which I questioned her, claiming it was a friends, got pregnant, had a chemical abortion about a week ago, is thinking of doing cannabis and thinking of stealing money to fund this.

How did I know latter - coz I found some messages of hers to a friend which I read.

I dropped a leaflet about the bad effects of cannabis in to her room and she hit the roof figuring how I found out.

Says she can't trust us (How could we trust her.)and went to school upset, text messages about tough love and not coming home, ever, flew between us.

She is 6 mnths short of her 17th birthday.

Worried she'll quit school with no means of support.

What do we do next?

personally would back off from the whole 'tough love' thing, concentrate on the 'love' and let her get on with growing up - possibly distract her with something a bit more constructive to work towards/look forward to, like driving lessons and saving for a car

is she in lower VIth? how are things going at school?

snooping on her messages was a massive breach of her privacy, although have done the same and felt I had good reasons at the time, instead of looking for things to chastise her for or to forbid it seems more helpful to find ways of supporting her emotionally and practically (17 now, also have a 19yo)

well she came home obviously very angry, but atleast she came home.

Seems she wants to carry on with school studies and we are supporting her in that but fallen behind in one of three subjects and will be kicked out after half term if she doesn't catch up.

I had concerns for her physical and mental wellbeing following discovery of pregnancy kit. Thats why I checked her messages. It is not something I relished doing.

It is terrible how although legally responsible for her actions, we have no right to know about any medical procedure (with potential harmful effects) she may have gone through.

Plus rumours of her pregnancy were going round school and had it not been for my snooping the first inkling would have been a call from school asking if the rumours were true. And asking if she was still pregnant.

We are treading on egg shells and trying to mend broken trust with our DD.

Tell her that trust, like respect, has to be earned; it's not an automatic right. Despite the fact that you read her messages, it's not like she can exactly take the moral high ground at the moment.

Are A-levels the right choice for her? It sounds as though she's not very engaged and TBH her getting poor A-levels is probably not worth your struggle enforcing school attendance. Have you discussed vocational alternatives with her?

She chose college at first but changed mind late to school to be with b/f and because trip to college rather long there and back - no time for socialising.

Think her anger is more about being found out.