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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD so sad, let down again.

16 replies

diseyw · 17/01/2010 22:05

My beautiful dd, aged 14 was requested as a friend by a lad from our town a couple of weeks ago on facebook and immediately started speaking to him every evening on MSN. He is in the year above her at (another)school and already 16. He told her that he had spotted her in town several times and just had to get to know her. For hours on end he has showered her with compliments and telling her how beautiful and wonderful she is . She was supposed to be meeting him today for the first time but two days ago he suddenly broke all contact without explanation and when we were out together at the shops she spotted him with a group of friends just hanging around the town; he completely blanked her and even put his hood up so he wouldn't have to look at her! Tonight she has had a brief conversation with him on msn whereby he says they would just be better off as friends and not even explaining why he didn't meet her. She seems so sad as everything he has said every night for the last two weeks was taken at face value . She has had a couple of 'boyfriends' who all seem to worship the ground she walks on for a short amount of time then dump her very suddenly. She is incredibly beautiful as she is 5'8" tall with long blonde hair and is always mistaken for being 16 rather than 14. She is also far too trusting and nice, always seems to be the one who listens to everyone else and helps all the troubled souls! We are very close and she tells me most things; her current conclusion is that all boys are the same, ie: immature and a waste of time . Has anyone else had experience of teenage dating and especially facebook/msn friendships and how best to support dumped and disappointed dd?
Thanks

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 17/01/2010 22:25

I wouldn't blame him-it is very easy to write things on line and then get frightened when it comes to reality. I expect he isn't very confident-it isn't a reflection on her.

KEAWYED · 17/01/2010 22:26

Sounds so sad for her don't know what to say as mine are still little but bumping it for you.

In a couple of years time these boys will be kicking themselves and begging to take her out.

It's lovely she can confide in you.

Sorry no help

snice · 17/01/2010 22:27

Perhaps he found out she was 14 and had assmed she was older?

Remotew · 17/01/2010 22:31

If he's 16 he is probably wanting sex and got frightened off by her age and quite rightly so.

I would encourage her not to get too involved with boys at this age, easier said than done, as I remember being 14. It would be better if she could see boys as friends first.

Don't have any experience as DD nearly 16 hasn't started dating yet. I'm pleased in a way but do hope that she does when a little older.

LynetteScavo · 17/01/2010 22:31

Well, she would be right. All 16 year old boys are immature and a waste of time when it comes to romance.

piscesmoon · 18/01/2010 08:26

I think that at 14 yrs I would encourage her just to have boys as friends and stick to groups-not to be looking for a 'boyfriend'. There is a lot of difference between a 16yr old and a 14 yr old. (the girls are far more mature, but the boy is legally able to have sex, whereas she is underage).
I just think that he had second thoughts when he got away from the computer screen and was faced with reality. He said that they would be better off as just friends-I think that he was being mature in that judgement.

nickschick · 18/01/2010 08:33

I dont think that because hes 16 hes automatically looking for sex.

I have 2 teenage ds the eldest who is 16 chats to several girls but hes a little shyer than ds2 and whilst I know these conversations can be a bit more courageous than in 'real life' I have always been quick to point out that they must take into account the girls feelings - I know from experience myself as a young girl how much a situation like this really can hurt you quite deeply- Ds2 is a womaniser!!! there is nothing he says on msn that he wouldnt say to a girls face .

Your poor DD I suspect this lad feels 'awkward' about chatting intimately with your dd and doesnt know how to handle real life.

Encourage your dd to make friends on msn and in real life but to take everything with a pinch of salt.

But please let me reassure you that just because hes 16 doesnt mean hes only after sex......I think in our house its the 14 yr old whod be front of the queue in that dept.

notyummy · 18/01/2010 08:39

Boys of this age really struggle often to appear confident in real life. He probably doesn't have a clue what to say to her in person, and is heavily influenced by his mates who will be watching/hanging off every move ready to punce and take the piss.

It is hard, but it is all part of growing up. I think I would tell her that boys are obviously attracted to her but they can't handle reality, and she may be better concentrating on hanging out with her female friends - in time she meet the boys who CAN handle conversation with girls via this route and will hopefully develop a relationship with one of them. I never went near a boy until I was 15 1/2 and frankly it was probably the best thing all round - but I know kids grow up a bit faster now.

(Plus I went to all an all girls comp and was heavily overweight until I was 15 so wasn't exactly fighting off the offers - unlike your DD!)

piscesmoon · 18/01/2010 08:44

I don't think he is looking for sex either but poster always seem to think they are! I have 3 DSs and they simply hadn't that sort of confidence at 16yrs (they would have liked to have had it!!).
The internet allows people to say things they wouldn't say in RL -I am very forthright on here-I would keep quiet in reality!

Hullygully · 18/01/2010 08:47

Teenage boys ARE a bit rubbish, they are working stuff out as much as the girls. It's great that she talks to you, you can help her keep a bit of perspective and not take it too seriously. In fact, not seriously at all. And what Pisces said re friends rather than boyfriends.

cory · 18/01/2010 14:26

various possibilities here:

he was looking for sex (and very rightly) got frightened off by her age

he was not looking for sex but it was pointed out to him that you/she/somebody might think so

he is a 16yo boy and hence an awkward bundle of nerves

Lulumama · 18/01/2010 14:30

she was chatting to him on MSN, arranged to meet, and he decided not to meet her , which is horrible.. but i would not make a huge deal out of it , about being let down.. he got cold feet, for any number of reasons and at 16 is not mature enough to do the right thing

at 14, she should be going out, having fun with her freinds and a bit of a giggle, and not get hung up on boyfriends/relationships, which invariably end up in tears at this age.

she's not dumped per se, they weren't really going out, if they'd not met up for a date

stress it is not her, it is them, and don't let her confidence get too battered

stealthsquiggle · 18/01/2010 14:32

The conclusion she has reached is entirely correct - most 16yo boys are immature and a waste of time from a 'boyfriend' perspective - but if you accept that and don't try to change it then some of them are quite good at being friends - can she not go with his suggestion of being 'just friends'?

piscesmoon · 18/01/2010 16:49

I think that his suggestion of 'just being friends' was the most mature part of the whole thing and she should go along with it and see boys as friends first-without getting all caught up on 'the boyfriend bit'.

Original poster

diseyw · 18/01/2010 17:08

Thanks for everyone's comments, yesterday felt like the end of the world in our house so to see everyones support and views has helped enourmously.
Part of the problem is though that in our town there are 2 secondary schools; 1 for boys and 1 for girls (so old fashioned!) so when they do meet up it tends to be something of a novelty and they are all checking each other out as it is not normal for them to be together. I totally agree with several of your comments about having boys as friends first before starting any relationships but they all seem to be in such a rush!
I do think that sex was mentioned in the conversations they had as in the last few weeks she has been asking lots of questions about it and I have seen her reading a book on the subject that I recently bought her. She certainly is under the impression that boys have one track minds!
It will remain to be seen whether they can "just be friends" as this might have been said as a way of getting out of the situation?
As she has no homework tonight, taking her out to the cinema early evening as a treat.
Thanks once again everyone.

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 19/01/2010 08:16

This is why I like mixed sexed schools. Whenever the debate comes up, the majority view is that girls get on better without boy; but it backs up my view (having gone to both)that girls' schools are sex mad!
If there is a boys school and a girls school there is pressure to be the 'cool' one and pair up, and be seen hand in hand after school, and the other sex is an exotic species. You don't get this if they are all in together-the girls know what 16yr boys are really like! It is a shame that she feels that she ought to have 'the dream of a boyfriend' and can't just go out as a group-where some happen to be boys. It might develop naturally from there-or it might not.

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