Sad for son

[abride]

I've name-changed on this one because some people now know me...

My son is just 13. He struggles socially, despite being a clever and sweet-natured person. He's just a little awkward in groups and tends to come across as somewhat eccentric, though his interests are decidely mainstream: playing football and Wii and X-box. His best friend has just left school to move to another country...

He has a few other friends and has worked hard to socialise with them. But it seems to be very one-sided. There's a boy whom we've had over here for parties and family barbecues. We've also given him lifts. They sat next to each other last term in class.

But, my son has just found out that this boy invited eight friends to his birthday outing but he wasn't included. He feels gutted. I'm slightly at my wit's end to know what to do. We have actually seen a local counsellor to do some self-esteem work. It seems to be working but this is a real setback.

Yes, a fresh start will be good news, pisces. A clean sheet. You're also right to remind me not to question him all the time, pisces. It's so tempting to ask detailed questions about what he did at break and lunchtime. Fortunately most of the activities are on again after the snow so he usually takes himself to a club.

Those weekend lie-ins are a big sacrifice, GetOrf. Though I suppose they grow up so quickly that it won't be going on for that much longer. Sigh.

Agree about the constantly asking questions - however it is so hard not to. I am worried about dd's friendships fracturing again, leading to the same situation as last time, so I completely get on her nerves by constantly asking 'are you ok, is everything all right at school, are you sure, do you want to invite a friend round to stay, are you happy at school, are you sure' poor kid

Oh well like you say it is not forever. However I must say that this teenager bit is far harder than when she was tiny.

Yes: babyhood is tough in some ways but less emotionally exhausting, IME.

Hello abride,

You sound like such a nice mum. I think it's great he is sporty, that will probably see him through a lot of the tougt times. And fwiw, our teenage kids had a much better time once age 14 plus, I think the teenage exclusion/unfriendliness thing is at its worst at 12 and 13.
The teen daughter of our neighbours was so lonely and miserable at this age her parents were tearing their hair out. We just went to her 21st and it was absolutely rocking, she was looking gorgeous and having a fab time, with dozens of mates there. Lovely to see.
I also agree that something organised and out of school is a real help. Different set of friends to choose from.
I also think, this might be a bit odd-sounding, that it is not disastrous for a kid this age to get very bored, fed up and even a bit lonely at this age. It will push them to make an effort and brush up their social skills and find something to do. Good luck with it all.

Aw, thank you. I see what you mean about the 'push' to do something at this age. I was probably a bit like this myself.

'he usually takes himself to a club'

This sounds great. He also does things out of school and gets exercise-I really don't think you need to worry. I think there are lots of DCs like ProfessorPoopyPants example. The teenage years are really hell IMO- made worse by the fact that everyone else thinks you are young, should be super confident and out there enjoying yourself!

Most of the clubs are in school time, though cross-country/athletics is out of school.

To be honest, social confidence has never been his forte. I think he gets nervous and gabbles a little. But he honestly is a very straight, kind, funny person.

Thanks for the reassurance.

This probably isn't much help but have you considered approaching the school to see what they can offer?

My ds (also 13) went through a bad patch last year. He is an oddball, not into mainstream things, very shy, intelligent, quiet - an absolute magnet for bullies. He has solid friendships but somehow that wasn't protecting him from other kids, both older and in his year. He became depressed and withdrawn. I believe he pulled himself out of the mire in the end, but the school was very sympathetic and supportive and met with me a couple of times and offered ds a course (not entirely sure what it was as ds refused to do it, but I think it was about fostering social skills).

Anyway, my point is, there might be help available in the school.

Good point. The counselling we had was very good but that was out of school. We are going in for parents' night next week anyway and I may have a word with his formteacher and ask him what he thinks, and whether he's noticed ds being on his own a lot.

abride. Don't know whether this will help - but... somehow I never got on properly with people at school - although I was above average in games (on both teams) I was always one of the last to be picked, rarely got invited to social events, once remember getting invited to a party and asking what the birthday girl would like as a present - 'for you not to come'. Had the odd 'best friend' here and there, but, as girls are, these changed 'allegience' etc. It took until I was about 14/15 to work out that the best thing for me to do was to rely upon myself, do my own thing, enjoy what I wanted to do. Apart from school, I spent my time doing music and horseriding whenever possible.

I don't look back on school with any fond memories, and I have no school friends that I keep in touch with, and couldn't be bothered going back for the recent reunion. HOWEVER, I loved university and got on with nearly everyone, and have some good Uni friends. I have more recent friends that are very good. I have a loving dh, a ds who is bright as a button and gets on with everyone and a supportive family. I have a good job that I enjoy doing.

School can be tough, and when you're there it can be soul destroying. However, you're not there for ever, and even if school wasn't good, it doesn't mean that the rest of your life will be coloured by it.

I do hope that the change in schools makes a difference though!

'asking what the birthday girl would like as a present - 'for you not to come''

That is so awful! Teenagers say such unbelievably horrible things at times.

Thanks for posting your personal story, mistelthrush. I think it's true that school isn't great for everyone. It wasn't for me, either.

I would help your son with ideas for coping strategies, just in case, as it was for me, that the answer is to say 'sod it to best friends, I'll be an individual and enjoy doing my own things without having to face the ups and downs of friends going hot and cold due to peer pressure or whatever'... Sounds as though he's into sport which sounds fantastic - I wonder whether there are any sports clubs at lunchtimes, or anything else similar he might be interested in. And make the most of possible connections outside school - the person I rode with when I was at school is still a good friend, although she is quite a number of years older than me.

He's quite good at digging out sports clubs at lunchtimes and also sings in a choir. I like your sod it response.

Its what I felt - I just decided that it wasn't worth all the heart-ache of wondering whether your 'friend' would still be your friend the following week/month/day.

I'd encourage the singing too - music's a really good way of making new friends and continues to be when you're adult (met dh that way )

Aw!

(Sorry! )(but really I am a fairly well-adjusted adult, or at least I think I am... )

Your adjustedness shines through!

I used to sing in choirs too. Loved it.