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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

When does...

27 replies

LollipopViolet · 18/12/2009 08:49

"My house, my rules" actually end? I've just turned 20, still living at home while I'm at university, and it's seriously starting to bug me. Not the room cleaning moans, or things like that, but the "You can't have a social life because I'm at work tomorrow" rule.

Went out for the course Christmas do last night, thought I'd be home at about 11-11.30. Was told, "OK, but you can come home when you're ready, you don't always have to be in early." from my granddad (live with mum, her parents, and brother). Mum on the other hand thinks for a party that starts at 7, I should be in for 9 (she never actually SAYS it, just says "Don't be out late").

So off I pop, and by 11, we've not even done the course awards, so I wait it out. Long story short, I get home at 12.45 to be greeted by my granddad, the same man who said to go and enjoy myself, ripping my head off due to the time.

OK, yes I was a lot later than planned, but he offered to wait up for me so the dog didn't bark, and he did say to go and enjoy myself. Feel like I'm getting serious mixed signals, don't really ever want to go out again now

I go out maybe 4 or 5 times A YEAR where I stay out late, I usually have to wait til I go away with mates or uni, because I'm so worried about going home.

I just wonder, when am I going to be allowed to be what I'd call a normal student???

Probably when I move out after uni.

All is calm today, haven't seen my mum yet though, really worried about talking to her I'll probably end up grounded or something

Sorry, just needed a rant really, feeling a bit helpless because I'm on an intense course where at the moment I can't get a job, so I can't earn money, so I can't move out

OP posts:
upahill · 18/12/2009 08:54

Well for me the 'My house my rules' didn't end so I left home at 18! I still get it it the neck from my mum (I am 44) how I left home when the family needed me most.( She got cancer and I had a younger brother and sister who I could have helped with) I don't bother causing a row by saying I felt forced out because I was being treated like I was 13. I had to be in at something like 11 and they wouldn't go to bed til I was in.

Left home - problem solved.

juuule · 18/12/2009 09:00

Did you give the impression that you would be home around 11-11:30? If so, did you phone home to let them know you would be later and not to wait up? If you didn't then I can understand them being put out.

Maybe tell them not to wait up next time.

And yes, I suppose - their house, their rules - forever.

Look at it as being a temporary thing while you are working towards your qualification. And really they are helping you with that in that you don't have to find somewhere to stay that would cost money you presumably haven't got.

Not sure what your definition of a 'normal' student is because what you describe sounds pretty normal to me.

fartmeistergeneral · 18/12/2009 09:06

Well, a couple of things. I lived at home during my student years, and I would regularly fall in the house at 4-5am. My mum would often be up saying she was 'just going to the toilet' but now, as a parent myself, I'm sure she was probably tossing and turning with worry.

Of course you want a bit more freedom at your age, but maybe a text home to say that you are going to be later than planned would have been helpful.

Also, I presume your grandad is of a certain age, and his definition of 'stay out late' is very different to yours. The man offered to stay up til you got home as a favour to you and then he was up til nearly 1am. I'm sure you can see it from his point of view?

That sounds like I'm getting at you, and I'm not. I've been there and it's not easy living at home when you are an adult yourself, but communication is EVERYTHING. If you had said, 'might not be home til after midnight' then that is when you would be expected home and everyone would be happy.

You just need to sit with your mum and grandad and talk to them about all of this, but be prepared to listen to their point of view, try not to let it escalate into an argument.

sarah293 · 18/12/2009 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TillyMintSpy · 18/12/2009 09:14

Tell 'em it's you or the dog if they can't keep it quiet whatever time you come in. You're 20 FFS, not 16.

But if I were you, I'd have long left home

Bonsoir · 18/12/2009 09:15

Why on earth is your grandfather laying down the law to you, an adult? Are you living in your maternal grandparents' home? Do they treat your mother like this too?

Original poster
LollipopViolet · 18/12/2009 09:19

juuule, I did say that's when I thought I'd be home, based on how the party last year was. Thing is, mum is at work today, so if I'd phoned, all the house would've woke up, not just my granddad, ditto if he'd gone to bed, the dog would've barked and woken everyone.
Filmmaking courses- great fun, but eat your money and time! I can't work evenings for the reason of- late nights again!

Their ideal is me in by nine, house locked, asleep by ten.

So, plan:

a) stick out this next year or so, get a summer job, save money, then leave.

b) leave, and have to get a loan instead of just a grant

c) make loads of really good mates who don't mind me using their floors if I want a late night!

Normal times for my mates (even non-uni ones who still live at home) is about 2-3am arrivals home.

And, I do feel quite bad now actually, I can see how it'd be annoying. Lessons learned I guess.

OP posts:
fartmeistergeneral · 18/12/2009 09:24

Well, in by 9 is ridiculous, my 11 yo comes in at 9 at the weekends!

I don't agree at all with the others who say you should be able to do what you want. It's just not that simple. My dh is 39 and if he said he was going to come home at 9 and wasn't home by 12.30 I'd be frantic. You can't stop people worrying, it's natural, they love you and care about you - no matter how irritating it is for you.

Moving out isn't that easy either, I couldn't afford it til I was 23!!

I think you have to negotiate with them, it's the only way.

My dream is that my children will leave home at 18 and I won't have to lie awake worrying why they aren't home at 3am.

Hassled · 18/12/2009 09:24

My oldest DCs are 22 and 20. DD (20) lives at home and when she goes out it's entirely up to her when she gets in - I go to bed. I think it's usually 2-3am. Occasionally she stays out all night, but always texts me to say that's what she's doing. If she was away at Uni (as DC1 is) I'd have no idea what she was up to, so I can't impose rules just because she's at home.

If you're absolutely sure they're not going to become more flexible, I think you need to do what you can to move out.

MissAnneElk · 18/12/2009 09:26

Sit down with them later and have a chat. Give them options a, b and c and ask them which they think you should choose. It's not unreasonable for you to want to stay out late, but I can understand why they would be annoyed to be woken in the middle of the night. A few times a year should be acceptable though.

The issue really is the barking dog.

Muzzle for the dog for Christmas?

upahill · 18/12/2009 09:45

Just re read your post. GROUNDED wtf??

Go into student digs. That is the answer.

upahill · 18/12/2009 09:47

Missanne.. So what you're saying it is ok for Lollipop to come home late a couple of times a YEAR!. She is over 20 not 15. Now is the time for her to be goingout late and having fun. Not watching the clock and behaving like Cinderella.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 18/12/2009 09:57

My son is 21 and living at home. It's still my house my rules - but my rules don't cover what time he has to be in. As long as he's quiet I don't care - well I care about him obviously but not what time he's in.

You seriously need a chat with them - they are being unreasonable. Otherwise, if you're going to be out late are there any mates whose floor you could kip on to keep the peace?

thelunar66 · 18/12/2009 09:58

upahill - I had a mother who expected me to home by 9.30pm and in bed by 10pm when I was a 19 year old. God the rows were awful, and so was the ridicule I had to take from my mates

I upped and left... just walked out with bank books and my clothes.

I hated my mother in those days... I don't think she'll ever know just how much.

LastTrainToLapland · 18/12/2009 10:07

Mmmm...hard one. I can see it from both points of view. On one hand, I do feel for you. This is the age when you should be able to let your hair down. Plus you sound like a sensible person and it's not like you'll be getting into any sort of trouble due to losing control when drunk. I lived with my mum till I was 24 (end of architectural course) and it was very grating. I too had a "curfew", though not as early as yours, and if I broke it by even 10 minutes I'd get it in the neck. I'd also get told off the next morning by my gran over the phone telling me to be considerate to my poor mum (she'd have been worrying over the phone to my gran, see!). It made going out so stressful, I was like Cinderella, forever checking the time!

BUT (and this is a big but) now that I'm a parent, I can see where my mum was coming from. It's very hard to relinquish control, and also very hard to stop worrying - it comes with the territory, I'm afraid. I think I'd be the same with my daughter if she stayed out late. In fact, she came back 20 minutes late from the park last week (my neighbour took her) and I nearly lost my mind! I was this close to rushing out to the park to get her myself

The only reasonable solution, without causing acrimony and hurt feelings, is for you to move out. Whether this is in the next month or the next year doesn't matter. Just keep that as a goal in your mind, and adjust with the current situation till you can afford a place of your own.

And do give your mum and grandad some slack, they're worrying because the y love you

upahill · 18/12/2009 10:08

Thelunar66. Yep I know that feeling. Although I talk to mum most days I still have feeings of resentment. I moved 60 miles away just because I'd had enough.

I hope lollipop isn't forced into a corner because what happened last night and the start of resentment building up.

LynetteScavo · 18/12/2009 10:22

Grounded? Are you being serious?

thelunar66 · 18/12/2009 10:29

OP - I think you need to seriously think about a student loan and a cheap house/flat share with another student. Do this before the resentment between you and your family members gets so unbearable it lingers for the rest of your lives.

MissAnneElk · 18/12/2009 10:35

upahill No, it was the OP who said she only stays out late a few times a year, so I'm saying this shouldn't be a problem for the rest of her family. Yes, I completely agree that now is the time for staying out late and having fun BUT if the dog is waking everyone up when she comes in, then I can see it would be annoying for the rest of the family who do seem to go to bed very early. If it were me I'd probably opt for the sleeping on the floor at a friend's house.

upahill · 18/12/2009 10:45

Sorry MissAnne I misunderstood you.

Original poster
LollipopViolet · 18/12/2009 14:16

LynetteScavo, probably should've added a wink or something to the end of that- I doubt I'd be grounded! It looks like I might be in the clear for this anyway, speaking to my granddad, we're all OK now, and he never told my mum! So hopefully she'll come in tonight and be none the wiser!

I really do need to move out soon though, I love all my family to bits, but think I need some space! Our arrangement is odd, my uncle is in a wheelchair so needs caring for, which falls to us, and my mum never married my dad (don't actually know him!) so it's just what I've always known.

My family are believers of early to bed, early to rise it seems!

OP posts:
brimfull · 18/12/2009 14:21

I don't even tell my soon to be 18yr old when to get in. I expect her to keep me informed so I don't worry
.

Seems to me the problem is the dog .

Would they have been ok if you could have let yourself in quietly and your granddad wouldn't have had to wait up for you?

LynetteScavo · 18/12/2009 16:10

Well, I think your family very are lucky to have you...you sound absolutely lovely and considerate.

I would have caused them all sorts of worry by rolling in at what ever time I pleased, several times a week at your age.

Don't move out just yet, just try to arrange to stay at a freinds over night if you want to stay out late again, and every one should be happy.

Tortington · 18/12/2009 16:14

i think your going out has more to do with the upset of the usual running of the house. so the dog barking waking people up at 12.45 - is not ideal - esp if they are old or working the next day.

mumeeee · 18/12/2009 23:15

D2 is 20. She's at university and living away during the term now ( started in September). When she's home we don't have a time she has to be in by. But we do expect her to text us if she's going if she decides to stay with a friend. My 17 year old doesn't go out much but we wouldn't expect her to be in by 9.
I wouldn't ground a 20 year old that is just silly.