Gay DS - some advice please

[beenheretoolong]

Old-timer here, but name changed for this because I'd hate DH to connect it to me.

Usual caveat about not outing me etc etc

DS1 is 15, and told DH and I that he was gay about 6 months ago. I'd suspected for a while, and I was proud of him for being able to tell us. DH has said all the right things to DS and to me, and DS is completely happy and confident with who he is.

DS is good at sports and music, and was very popular before he came out - house captain etc - and everyone at school has accepted his sexuality completely, so it's been a very smooth transition for him.

I need to say here that DH is a great husband and dad. We've been married for over 20 years and there's nothing I'd change about him. He's been hands on since day one, and loves doing things with both DSs.

DH works (heavy engineering) and plays (ex semi professional footballer, currently in a middle-aged rock band) in a very macho environment. I work in the "meeja" with its proportionally higher number of gay people. We have gay friends and have been to three civil ceremonies, so he's definitely not homophobic.

While on the surface, he completely accepts DS's sexual orientation and hasn't changed at all in how he behaves towards DS, I feel like he's finding it harder than he's letting on.

For example, DS was on a date last week, and DH just sort of ignored it - he asked where he was going and when he'd be back, but only asked him about the film when he came home - not about the boy. He's also not told his parents. I almost feel like he's thinking it's just a phase.

I don't know how to help DH, because he'd never in a million years admit to feeling like this.

I'm feeling a bit teary and PMT at the moment about the additional hurdles DS will face just because of his sexual orientation. I've already had one particularly religious friend going cool on me. The current thread about the homosexual teacher is also upsetting me.

Please don't slag off DH - he's a genuinely great dad and husband. I just want to know if there's anything I can do or say to "help" DH, or if he just needs more time to come to terms with it. (DH said that he had absolutely no idea, and it was a bolt from the blue.)

Thanks, and sorry for the long post.

PS I'm two thirds of a bottle of red down, so may be unnaturally emotional about this!

I think you are perhaps over-thinking because of the wine. It sounds like you are both doing a fantastic job actually. Of course you will both have your worries at times, but you'll get there. You seem like a very loving family.

FGS though, hide that stupid thread!

Didn't want to read and not post. It sounds like you're both handling this brilliantly - maybe your DH does just need a bit of extra time with this? I'm guessing maybe you had an inkling already, but he didn't. Just takes a bit of time and adjustment. I'm sure you'll all be fine

sounds to me like you are handling it all just fine, and it's bound to take a little while for your Dh to figure it out if he had no idea. I suspect my ds2 is gay too, so (if) he tells me I won't be surprised at all. You ahve probably seen me on THAT thread and that is why I have promoted tolerance and self acceptance in my 2 boys. You sound like a lovely mum, your ds must be very proud of you

Just ignore Daftpunk if she comes on here

Your dh just needs time to come to terms with it , definitely if he wasn't expecting it.
Have you talked to ds about it?

Maybe your dh and ds need to talk more about it together to help him.

Also has your dh told anyone in his 'macho' world?

Maybe it would help if he spoke to a friend about it.

You're all so nice! I've just missed Stacey on X-Factor because you made me cry, so I had to run to the toilet.

I think you're right - too much wine for me, and not enough time for DH.

Don't think DH has told any of his colleagues (but don't know if any of them even know their colleagues' wives names - it really is an odd male environment. He's been there 10 years, and I've only met one person, and that was by accident!)

His friends know, but only because I'm friends with their wives. Not sure if he's discussed it with any of them. We had children young, so most of the other men are still at the baby or toddler stage. There's probably been an "Things OK at home, mate?" "Yeah, fine" conversation, but probably not a heart-to-heart.

As far as DS is concerned, we are both totally "cool" about it. (I overheard him on the phone!)

Thanks all for your support and kind words. I will hide the DP thread - good idea.

Give DH time, he is a good dad and is accepting all this in his own way, he is supporting your son the best he can and given time things will be ok. he will tell who he needs to tell when he is ready, he just needs the space to accept things, things will be fine, you are obviously a close family