DS is 14 and I don't know how to handle this teenage stuff

[josla]

Hi all, I am so in need of advice. DS is 14, I had him when I was 18, met DH when DS was 3 and he's always been close but calls him real name, not dad. Always been open about the situation, we see his biological father's parents (the 'other' grandparents) regularly - although less so now he's older. Me and DH have 18 month old girl and another baby on the way, I'm 7 months pregnant. We both work full time, in really good careers, I've just taken maternity leave early as I'm feeling pretty tired this time round. DS is probably just being a normal teen but I just don't know what I'm doing... he has quite a few run ins with DH and DH has had to back off as he can't keep his temper. So I am being the main parent of DS, as when I lose my temper he won't lash out physically at me! And also I think deep down he absolutely knows I love him no matter what, but I think he is more insecure about DH. Anyway, what I wanted advice on was what I should do when he lies to me, or gets into trouble at school, or when he doesn't do his jobs around the house, things like this that I am sure every teenager does. At the moment, I set a punishment and it turns into a really big thing rather than that being the end of it. So, for example, he wore his trainers to school when I've told him he must wear his school shoes. So the punishment could be I don't allow him to go skating with his friends this evening. But this will be a huge battle and it doesn't seem to have any effect because with each thing that happens he just does it again or he just does something else I've told him he mustn't do. So every day is a telling off - it feels like it's all the time, that I never have anything good to say - and I am so aware of this, and look for things to praise him for and say thank you and i love you - it just sounds so hollow, especially when he just grunts and leaves the room. I am feeling pretty low. He's such a clever and lovely boy but I never see this part of him any more, and DH is especially negative, I feel like i am constantly defending him to DH. I want to go to a Relate for parents or other counselling service but I would have to drag them both. Been reading books - Help my teenager is an alien, and others, anyone have any other advice for me?

My ds is nearly 13 and we are getting some of the behaviour you describe. I am learning (slowly) to 'pick my battles' and let some things which are not that important slip past. For example, if he chooses to wear trainers to school, I would let him face whatever punishment the school hand out so that he fights them directly on that one. I insist on basic manners and a few chores at home and try to ignore the smaller stuff. It is tough for boys growing up, and he may be feeling threatened by the new arrival and more upheaval. My ds has a friend with 2 much younger siblings and he spends a lot of time with us as he feels 'pushed out' by the little ones - he can't play his normal PS3 games when they're around for eg and has to be quiet when they're in bed - he also feels his parents spend less time with him and more looking after and playing with the younger ones. Could this be part of the problem for your ds? Good Luck with finding a way forward.

I know, I really fret about him being pushed out by the toddler and the soon-to-be new baby, I always give him time after school, and then lifts and sleepovers, if he's been well behaved. Half of me thinks 'pick your battles' and wants to leave the small stuff but the other half of me thinks I shouldn't let him get away with disobeying me at all, when everything I ask I think is reasonable. Should I turn a blind eye to things that I think he should not question?

My son is 14 and we have been going through this rebellious phase for 2 years now and it is not I'm afraid to say getting any easier. We have got to to the stage where we have to take a calmer attitude to things as it was getting so stressful and affecting our relationship as a couple.

If it was something like not wearing the right shoes to school I might have had the same attitude as you 18 months back but my son has done far worse things than this so I wouldn't stop him going out for something like this as they all do it and it is not anything serious if you put it into perspective.

If you are down on them for everything you are the one that suffers in the end as it is so stressful.

If my son is not working at school or not doing his homework on a regular basis then I do go absolutely mad as I am not willing to compromise on anything do with his education. If I wasn't on his back constantly about homework and revision he would do absolutely nothing.

Things like not keeping his bedroom tidy, I don't stress about it any more.

In my experience they gradually push the boundaries more and more and this is normal. As parents I think we have to develop better coping strategies (or end up on prozac!)

Difficult one, isn't it? There's always the tried and tested 'it's just a phase, this too shall pass....!' I am assured they come out the other side as decent human beings! Maybe someone else will come along and offer more useful advice.

I don't have much to add other than I absolutely agree about picking battles. I certainly wouldn't punish him for wearing trainers to the school. Any breach of the uniform code is for the school to deal with, not me.

Agree also that feeling insecure about the younger half siblings is probably a big factor. My ds is 15 and an only and even gets grumpy when I tell him what I've been doing with the twin babies I look after one morning a week for Barnardo's. They can be SUPER sensitive.

This last week, he's been a right grump but is coming out of it partly because I've learned to empathise where possible. For example, he came home moaning the other day that 3 teachers had had a go at him, all for pretty minor stuff like not tucking shirt in, sitting with his friend in registration etc. By agreeing with him that these are really trivial reasons to be told off, are peripheral to his education etc I got him on side, then we had a chat about how, when you're dealing with a 64 year old woodwork teacher who's griping about something minor, the best thing to do is try to see things from that teacher's point of view - probably pig sick of work, desperate to retire, feeling pretty uninspired about everything, and maybe understanding that when he gets annoyed about some joint not being quite 45 degrees or whatever, he needs to be cut some slack, and not given the rolled eye, tutting, answering back treatment.

We also talked about (vis a vis the woodwork which he loathes but he has to take 12 GCSEs), it may not seem like he's learning anything useful, but even if he never puts up a shelf in his life, he's learning important life skills of tolerance, understanding things from someone else's point of view, keeping his temper, etc etc.

Treat him as an adult who has to learn to fail sometimes by himself, in a nutshell.

bump for you

can only say what has been said already really. Have concrete important house rules. one being if he's in a mood he calms down then you'll talk when he's human again. But also that there is time in the day for him to have 1-1 with you if he needs/wants it.

And pick your battles for your own sanity.

DS1 is 14 and has a little brother who's very much hard work and a little sister who is from my second marriage.

try not to sweat about the shoes or if like my ds1 refuses to take a coat to school.. either it will pass or the school will sort it out. If he's wearing expensive trainers to school.. I would just tell him I won't be replacing them, as he has school shoes. I now give ds1 the money that I would spend on school shoes and let him get what he wants. If the school complain he'll have to work to replace them.

He needs to learn from his mistakes and grow into the adult he'll be.. all whilst having hormones to boot.

HTH