My Pre-Teen Has No Friends

[JoeyM]

Please can someone help me? I really don't know what to do. I am a single mum of one child, a boy who is nearly 13, who appears to have no friends. No one ever calls him to get together after school or at the weekend, he's never invited to sleep overs or any social event and spends all his time with either me or his father. As far as I can see he's a really nice lad, as is remarked upon by lots of people (albeit adults!!). He does seem sad and lonely at times and has mentioned this, together with the fact that he would like close friends, but the rest of the time he seems okay. It's me who is completely anxiety ridden and worried sick about it and I could do with some advice as to whether this may be a permanent state or maybe just a passing phase.

He's always been reluctant to join clubs but has seemed pretty confident over the years. I really don't want his confidence to plummet. Through junior school he had friends but was never the one people would come and call on first to play out or go round; not so much a loner as his own person really.

Has anyone got any advice as to how I can encourage him and bolster his confidence, together with reassurances that this is just a phase? Many thanks.

JoeyM, DS2 is like this, you have pretty much described him to a 't', but he is a year older. Not much advice to give, as mine is still in this phase, I think your words 'not so much a loner as his own person really' is a pretty good description of my DS too. We just keep confirming to him that he is a lovely lad, and will find his 'niche' eventually, there have been several threads on here, including a couple I have started, which I have found reassuring and you are definitely not alone with this. Someone (can't remember who, sorry!) gave me some particularly comforting advice - that we all have our 'time', her husband was 'born middle-aged' and found things much easier socially and confidence-wise when he was older. I know how difficult it is though when your DS is how you describe, believe me, we could be talking about one and the same child!

Best Wishes.
xxx

Mummyflood, thank you so much for your message. It brought tears to my eyes! I can't tell you how reassuring it is to know he's not one on his own although, of course, I'm sorry about the worry it causes becuase I know exactly how that feels. I agree entirely that the best thing is to continue to make positive affirmations. His dad and I continually do this. However, I feel my desperate worry is palpable and this is something I've somehow got to get a grip of. He has a number of interests that I think very often don't reflect those of his peers; he's not that in to Xbox etc., he loves card tricks and is very musical. I do feel, in positive moments, that his time will come re: friends. Many thanks again for your words.
xx

If he's musical, is there a group he could join, a youth orchestra, etc.?

Oldest DD had a boy like your DS in her class who is now making quite a lot of money doing a magic act at children's parties.

I also think as long as he has interests he will be fine, just try to keep your own worries under control. Kids get better at appreciating each other as they get older.

Yes, I have suggested an orchestra but he seems to shy away from big groups. He currently has piano lessons and is in a small band at his music school.

Many thanks for your good advice. I feel somewhat calmer now!

JoeyM, you could be describing my ds too, although he's only 10. In lots of ways he's very different from his peers and has different interests (gardening, cooking, music) and relates much better to adults. It's heartbreaking when he's excluded from groups, social occasions etc, but I do think that, like you, I worry more than he does about it.

My ds has a sister who, although they fight at times, at least provides some social contact with someone of a similar age. Does your ds have cousins or do your/his dad's friends have children of a similar age/background? Would he be interested in something like a chess club as this tends to attract quieter and less mainstream boys?

Hello Overthehill, yes, my DS relates better to adults too and is quite grown up in many ways. I have a number of friends who have children of my DS's age but he has no interest in them really and whether this is to do with him or them I'm not sure. He does still have tentative contact with a couple of friends from primary school but he always has to initiate any contact; he doesn't tend to get called upon.

He has two cousins abroad who he loves to see but gets to see rarely and he has family an hour or so away with an older cousin and a much younger cousin. He does get to see them more often and gets on with them all very well.

I have suggested so many, many clubs to him, although he came to me last night and said he'd quite like to join rugby and squash clubs(I've leapt on these suggestions of course!)but then suddenly changed his mind about rugby - I do think it's a confidence thing as he feels he doesn't play well enough to join a club. Of course, I encourage him but he's pretty headstrong!

It is heartbreaking indeed and sometimes I struggle to keep that in check. I am of the frame of mind today, though, to try and let it ride. His time will definitely come. He's a lovely lad with loads of interests and with the ability to chat and communicate well with others. I cannot see that he will be left friendsless for the rest of his days. I like to think this is just for now. Is that how you feel?

I think you're absolutely right about your anxiety being palpable, and to recognise that it's a problem. I'd honestly spend some time going into why you feel so uncomfortable about how he is and try to separate your own 'needs' from his.

Not for a moment suggesting that it's not with his best interests at heart, but I think it's really important for children to feel unconditionally accepted and enjoyed as they are right now by the people who mean most to them, and he doesn't need to be feeling responsible for your discomfort.

I know that I was a bit sad as an early teenager; it was just where I was then. I'm notoriously sociable and happy now, and I don't think feeling 'wrong' in the eyes of my parents would have helped me, even if they were kindly and enthusiastically trying to think of helpful ways to put me 'right'.

Rather, I'd say, enjoy him, take a real interest in his interests, even if they seem a bit 'odd'. We all want to be loved and accepted for who we are, and helping him to have inner 'comfort' and confidence will be the best support you can give him. Hth.

I agree with every word of Saint's post, though I sometimes find it hard to put into action.

My ds has been going through a bit of a funny phase since the beggining of this term when the forms were shaken up so he & his old friends have kind of drifted, and he was really upset last weekend when he didn't get invited to a party that everyone else in the whole world got invited to.

Even though he was upset about that though, he was more bothered that I'm getting bothered about the general situation and said that he's happy doing stuff by hmself sometimes. I know I'm putting my own anxiety onto him, I, like Saint was a bit of a loner in early teenage years but more than made up for it later on.

Re. the rugby, what I'd suggest is that y ou have a word with the rugby coach, explain he's a bit shy about joining and ask him to approach your son direct to ask him to join. IME, coaches are always keen to get new players into the game especially as some give up, and your son may feel flattered at being invited, rather than you pushing him.

good luck!

Hello Saintmaybe, I completely agree with what you say - I do think children can feel responsibility for their parents' anxiety and that they need to be accepted as valid people at whatever stage of life they're at. And you are also right about putting time into determining where these feelings are coming from. I really do endeavour to do that and to feel okay with things as they are right now. Today I'm succeeding and on days like today I wonder how I manage to get myself into such an anxious state about things. Certainly logging into this site has helped. Hello too Mumblechum, I agree with your words also and know where you're coming from. Whilst I think we can realise our anxieties are coming from us, it's really sometimes very hard to lay them to one side. Good advice re: having a word with the rugby coach and explaining the situation. I am not a pushy mum, though, and whilst I do make suggestions as to things he may be interested in I'd like to think I'm not someone who would go against the feelings of my ds in order to satisfy my own feelings by pushing him into something he's opposed to doing. I accept that he has different interests and whilst these interests may sometimes keep him apart from his peers, they are interests which make him what he is and I am immensely proud of that: he's a very keen and talented photographer and we have talked about him joining a photographic club - finding one is proving the hard part! I so appreciate the advice I've found here and wonder how I've only found out about it now! I'm so glad I have.

Perhaps It's a bit late to respond to this, but I have the same issue with my 12 year old. He is an only child, and although he does have some friends at school, when he is home he never plays with any of them. He has tried, but it's always him who initiates the contact and he often gets a rejection. I don't understand it really, because in school his friends do actually come to him, but not outside school. He is in year 8 now, so has been in thsi school for quite a while.
At home he has some contact with children because I am a childminder, but of course my mindees are a lot younger than my son. They do think the world of him, though, so that's nice for him too.
My son likes to play alone, but he would love to play more with others too. We tried clubs, and he interacts fine with others when he is there, but again, never outside the club. He doesn't have very average interests, for instance isn't sporty, no interest in most pop music/celebrity stuff, , no x-box (but he loves PC/internet games), has no mobile phone, etc. But he doesn't have interests that are shared with others, mainly playing warhammer (tabletop game) but even there he has no friends outside the organized games.
On the risk of being a bad mum, this friendlessness of him also affects me, because he calls upon me to socialize with him whenever he is not at school. I mostly enjoy that, but need time for work, housekeeping and myself too!

I do believe he'll have more friends once he is older, but it seems like such a waste now - he would love to do things with other children, especially outside, and I so wish he could!

Tau,

I am fascinated at you saying your son takes up too much of your time making it difficult just to housework etc.

I am going completely loopy with not being able to get essential things in life done and thought it was because I was very disorganised etc. But it has dawned on me now that it is my 11 year old son. It is quite incredible how much time he takes.

When he is in the house, he talks & interrupts me non stop (if he isn't watching the bloody telly) and there is nothing I can do to stop him.

At meals I feel like I am being interrogated by the Gestapo as he babbles away at high speed and asking one question after another.

After giving him reasonable attention & time I politely suggest he eats his congealing meal. He takes no notice. I repeat this many times as I am now just about choking on my own food as he fires endless questions at me.

Then I start getting firm, and firmer, then slightly nasty, then more nasty. Nothing works.

Then I eventually in desperation have to shout at the top of my voice SHUT UP & DON'T TALK ANY MORE UNTIL YOU HAVE FINISHED YOUR FOOD.

That is the only thing that actually does stop him talking so much at meals and making me choke on my food.

Snag is, it only gets me a few seconds of quiet before he's off again.

Not wanting to get really vicious, I just give up[ in the end.

This pretty much describes everything really. By which I mean any disciplinary issue etc. He just applies massive negative pressure which is impossible to cope with - without getting really nasty and into vicious punishments etc.

And, believe me. I am no wimp. I have always been described as a strong character.

I have in the past been 'blessed' with the nickname of Attila the Hun for my 'strong character' traits & dominace.

Aaaargh ! What can I do about it.

OP ,you're not alone.
My ds now 17 and has very tiny social life which has only been in existence for a couple of years.
His 2 friends are both younger than him and they come over maybe one day ,once a month.
Tau - my son into PC/internet games .
Doesn't play warhammer ,but does play Dungeons and Dragons ( fantasy board game ,can now also be played on line ).
Big thing in ds social life is LARP ( live action role play ) and I'm mentioning in case appeals to your child.
Think if you like warhammer/D&D ,you like LARP .
Fantasy based ,different tribes and stuff ,complicated rules.
They get dressed up ( one my ds goes to has lots of stuff to borrow ) and act stuff out in woods .
There are different groups that hold regular days where they all go along and act out a story line ( I'm not describing this well ,it's more spontaneous than I'm making it sound ) in different parts of country,just google LARP.
Just a thought.

Thanks for the replies!
Aww, rocketone, I feel for you. My son isn't that bad, he is quite good at entertaining himself -I guess it's also my feelings of guilt that he is alone so much if I don't do things with him. But I don't always have the time, and I honestly cannot bring myself to play warhammer -it's far too complicated for me!
A friend of mine has a child like yours, who just talks and talks and talks -he is a lovely lad, but drives both his parents to despair!
Violetqueen -yes I know Dungeons and Dragons, of course I do -we have a beginners game and played that many times. I'd never heard of LARP -it certainly sounds like something my son would love! I googled it, and there is actually a group not that far from where we live. Not sure how easy it would be to get there though as we have no car.
Is it suitable for children as young as my son? He is pretty mature in the way he interacts with people, he is responsible, and certainly bright enough to understand complicated instructions, but his emotions aren't always that grown up yet.
Thanks for the tip though, I'll certainly look into it a bit more.

Hi ,not sure of age ,might be a bit young...
Although I think at the one my son goes to
www.spearheadlrp.co.uk/New_Site/html/index.html younger kids attend with parent.
The one my son goes to is very friendly and there's lots of requests for lifts ,pick ups from local station.Tho guess your son a bit young to be doing that unaccompanied.
With D&D online at least they talk to other players ,so is a tiny bit more sociable..
We had to install the " lesser " version ,as had trouble installing the gold standard one .( no I don't know what I'm talking about but that's the gist of it ).
Wonder if there are any D&D clubs/players near you ? My son got into it through after school club - would your son's school be willing to start one up ? Or local " youth club " ?
Good luck - I know how gut wrenching it all is.
( they could probably buy all the books from my sons school - long story )

Meant to say - try contacting your local LARP and asking if they know of any groups aimed at younger age group.
They do seem really friendly and helpful.
PS At son's primary school when I raised question of child having no friendships ,they told me " well the teachers like him and this is sign that he gets on well with adults.And as he'll spend more of his time as an adult than a child ,he'll be fine ."
And I was so desperate for reassurance that I was ( almost ) comforted.

My son is like this. He's never the first on anyone's list. He has friends, but not very close ones. The one he did have moved away from the area.

He's also 13 (year 8). It is getting better, slowly, and we did take him to a counsellor to help him with some other issues involving a bit of bullying from older boys.

He's probably going to be in the first rugby team this term, at least for some matches, and this will enormously boost his confidence.

I agree about 'growing into' your real age. My son will probably be wonderfully popular in his thirties. He just hasn't been a natural young boy.

Very interested in reading this string. My DD, 13, year 9 so young for her year, is very similar.
She's yearning for a group of soul mates and although she gets on well with people at school, she never seems to get invited to anything and seems to be loosing confidence in asking people over as she can't see why they'd want to come.
A girl she likes did ask her to go to the cinema, but then when it came to it the girl made some excuse.
Odd really, she seems to have fallen between the cracks of the groups at school after always having loads of friends at primary school.
She is quite mature, and does seem to have quirky interests - not excessively interested in boys and fashion, but more so than before.
Just trying to think of things I can do to boost her a little - last night she was really down...

school can be such a hard time it's the only time you're forced to spend all your time with people the same age. After school when you're at Uni / work it's much easier to make friends of different ages, you meet people with similar interests rather than those as old as you. Makes it much easier to makie friends I think

my dd1 sounds very like yours kiffey where we live they move to middle school for year 5-8. dd1 is in year 7 and hasn't really found many friends since she moved up two years ago. She ahs tried, but everyone already seemed to be in gorups of friends and she's found it hard to get into a group. Her tutor said at parents evening this week that dd1 is very mature for her age and we think this is not helping her make friends with her peers.

We've encouraged groups at school (drama, sports, choir, ict) and she's joined Guides which she's loving. It's the centenary year for guides this year so loads of activities going on