17 yr old son is forcing me to choose

[sjona]

My teenage son is horrid to all that are in my house including myself, but blames all around him.
he loathes my new partner who i am pregnant too we have been together for 2 yrs + and this is getting worse day by day.
They both hate each other my partner who does not live with us because of my son wants me to kick him out.....
i am desperately breaking my heart how did my son end up hating so much.
he is isolated and finds it hard to solialise, he is rude, not verbally but with his presence and his looks to anyone who comes to the house.
He is making my life very difficult my daughter wants me to kick him out.
Help.

Oh dear, you are stuck in the middle aren't you?

I must say that I am deeply disturbed at you partner's attitude. Surely, surely he must realise that this is a difficult developmental stage, which is being exacerbated by circumstances (Not involved dad, new baby on the way, changing roles in family)

To be honest your partner is repeating his father's mistakes, and it is no wonder that he is resentful and angry.

yes agreed i think, but i cant get it through to my partner.
he thinks my son has got his own way etc etc and now is relishing in it

To those who are just expecting sjona's partner to shut up and put up with this, it is incredibly difficult to be a step-parent to someone who is as hostile as this. I love my dsd dearly, but there are points when I put my foot down and say enough is enough, I am not putting up with your unreasonable behaviour and these are the consequences. It's the same for any child isn't it?

We don't have nearly enough detail about what is actually going on here, what sort of things sjona's ds is actually doing or saying to make a judgement about whether her dp is being unreasonable/unrealistic or not.

And if you read sjona's OP it's his sister that wants her mum to kick him out too.

It's clearly a difficult situation for everyone, but I'm not sure that sjona's partner is the bad guy here.

by "his father" I meant your son's father OBV.

yes my daughter is also fed up with my son he is actually quite mean to all in the house at the moment, my partner hardly visits now so that is just now and then but on a daily basis he is just rude to us all and quite unreasonable, my daughter is total opposite and he was very rude to her this morning calling her a cow as she nicely knocked his door to make sure he was up for college. she didnt deserve that. it not just with my partner now its on a daily basis with me, my 15 daughter and my 6 yr old son. but he says its all us.

my partner says that i can not let a whole house be miserable and in tears because of just 1 person.

Sufermum I am sure sjonas partner isn't the bad guy here but he has to be the bigger guy and the adult. It must be incredible difficult to be a step-parent to an angry teen but it sounds like sjonas partner is making things worse and not supporting her.

OTOH maybe the answer is to kick her son out and that he does need this wake up call but from what she has said her partner would relish this almost and that doesn't sound healthy to me either.

my daughter, partner says kick him out etc etc..... hmmm where too, lack of family his father cant be arsed and i would never forgive my self.
someone suggested i pack his things and say that it needs to change and untill it does not to unpack his things so he can see the reality of what will happen, i agree somewhat but am struggling to go through with it i want him to feel loved and part of the house but he is making it really difficult.
i can see my partners view he sees me crying and upset when my son has been so mean for no reason... so i am stuck

The thing is that kicking him out isn't actually going to help get to the bottom of things. I think when people say that it's possibly just out of frustration about knowing what else to do to change things. Is your dp unsupportive or is he just at the end of his tether?

Your ds sounds like he's really angry and this will only really resolve itself if you can get to the bottom of why he's so angry.
Have you any idea why he is?

I know that I bear the brunt of a lot of dsd's anger when it isn't about me at all. She's said as much to me. I know she finds it really difficult that dd (her half-sibling) has her mum and dad living together, and gets to be with her dad all the time - whereas she has to split herself between the two homes. I think her siblings at her mum's end find it difficult that dsd has lots of contact/involvement with her Dad and none of theirs bother. She's been asked not to go on about our holidays or things that she does with us as her other siblings get jealous. Do you think there is anything like that going on?

no idea tbh he has said in the past that he hates my partner apart from that....
gonna have a chat with him tomorrow morning so will pop on after and see if i get anywhere with him tonite ty for all your replies ... wish me luck

It sounds to me as if your son is being allowed to rule the roost and as long as he gets his way, he's never going to change. He's being indulged a bit here, which is a large part of the problem.

I think perhaps you have to accept that he's going to be difficult if your partner moves in, but your partner is right - he has a right to be a constant presence in the life of his child, and it isn't up to your son to decide whether or not he gets to live there or not. Right now, everyone else's needs are coming below your son's. Its wonderful that as a mother you think of him first, but you have two, soon to be three, children, and they all have the right to be loved and cared for in equal measure.

If your son doesn't want to live with your partner, then he should move out. And if he doesn't want to do that, then he needs to learn to be respectful. And that goes for your partner as well

Your partner needs to get a grip. He's not entitled to 'respect' from your son if he means 'submissiveness and gratitude' which it sounds like he does. He also needs to remember that he's the adult here and so he's got to behave better than a teenage boy and stop behaving as though it's a competition (ie he has to 'win' by defeating your son and forcing him to behave like a subordinate).
As to your son, kicking him out is a very bad idea unless he's actually violent, because it will reinforce his feeling that no one wants him, that the new baby is a replacement for him, and that you are prioritizing your partner over him. You can, however, tell your son that he needs to be polite in order to have (for instance) his washing done, money lent to him, or lifts given him.
It might be some consolation to consider that lots of teenage boys (and indeed girls) whose parents are still married to each other are just as vile, rude, selfish and self-pitying. It honestly is a bit of a stage that a lot of them go through.

normally I would say I'd always put my son before a man. However you do seem to be permitting him to ruin everyone's lives. He needs to be told politely and firmly that while you love him you will not tolerate his rudeness. Your partner also needs to be told that you will not kick the boy out for being rude and he needs to act like a man not a boy.

Presumably your son has friends round sometimes? How would he like it if you were as rude to them as he is to your partner? Your partner may not be helping matters by demanding respect but you do need to show your son that he can't just get away with being rude to everyone. What did you do when he was rude to his sister - tell him off, remove something he values or let it go? If he's rude to your partner anything your partner gave him should be taken away until he learns to behave better.

Really hard on you when you are pregnant but you have to try and talk to your son and let him know that you hate his behaviour.

OP - as SGB has said, even teenagers from a 'traditional' family can be obnoxious and self-pitying. My Brother was exactly the same. Rude, self-obsessed, constantly angry, everything was everyone else's fault, massive sense of entitlement I could go on...
He's 24 now, and still lives with my parents. Still has no job. Still lives off them in short, although he is improving a little bit now.
Mainly this is because they have LET him be like this, and treat them like doormats and their house as a hotel.
It must be difficult, and I'm not saying put your partner before your son, or that your son has to be all submissive to your partner. But you can't let your son rule your life and your household. There's nothing wrong with expecting him to be civil at least.

Yes sorry you are having this inflicted upon you from both the men in your life.
Can you sit them both down together and tell them you love them both very much and ask them if they love you and if so, from now on you will not tolerate this behaviour from either of them.
It will be up to them to find a way of getting on when you around or there will be consequenses. Computer money etc. for sons behaviour.
They sound spoilt and you have 'given in' to them each and think that the other has 'won' just like bloody toddlers.
So tell them that and you will treating them like toddlers.
You need them to step up to supporting you now.

Is there a turf thing going on? DS thinks he has rights to the home as the 'man of the house'? But doesn't really fit the shoes yet, IYSWIM. Either that or he has some sort of depression or personality disorder. I would plug away at the family doctor angle. Your DP needs to assert himself here and be the grown up in this situation, show he's not afraid of DS in a non-confrontational way. He needs to edge his way into the house and be there for the baby. DS needs consistent consequences for unacceptable behaviour from you, with DP backing you up. Do not issue ultimatums -- they teach nothing and get you nowhere unless you're prepared to follow through.

Exactly same thing happened to a good friend of mine. Friend was single mum for yrs with DS.

Met DP, DP ended up moving in, friend got pregnant, DS hated partner, DP 'lorded' it over DS. Resentment grew between the two of them, DS blamed DP for everything that went wrong/missing etc, DP complained that DS was controlling friend and making everyone unhappy, DS refused to speak to or do anything when DP asked.

Eventually, it all came to a head, DS moved out (with no warning when friend and DP were out shopping one day) to live with his GP's, who were more than happy to take DS on, friend was devastated, totally in bits, begged DS to move back home, DS refused.

Friend eventually realised that DP was a total cocklodger control freak and an arse, with serious mental health issues, and their relationship broke down. Friend is now single mother to a toddler, while her DS still refuses to move back home.

Friend says her relationship with her DS has changed since he moved out and the way he did it. She now regrets listening to the DP. She wishes her DS was home and everything was back to the way it was before DP came along, but she says it is gone, forever now.

DS is angry that friend never listened to him, that DP was controlling and devious. DS says he feels friend chose to be with DP over what her DS wanted. That made him feel unwanted and pushed out.

All this makes me wonder what yr DS says his problem with your DP actually is. Do you think your DP is being as fair as possible?

I would hate another family to go through what my friend has been through. She fell apart when her DS left home. She is still not over it now. She cannot talk about it without tears in her eyes. It all came to a head almost 2 years ago now, but she is still ripped apart by it, because she says she lost her DS for the sake of her DP.