Constant texting when she is supposed to be working

[redtabby]

Hi

My stepdaughter (who lives with us) is 16 and in her first year of A level studies. She is at a private school, I pay a great deal for her to be there, and she is capable of doing very well, her GCSE results were excellent. The plan is for her to get into a good university, she wnats to do marine biology or oragnic chemistry.

My DH went to parents' evening this week and was very disappointed to hear she is not doing well at all in her studies, less than average, which is well below her capability. There were lots of tears from her when this was discussed with her by us later, and she complained that the teachers were not explaining things well enough and not helping her understand the work. I was also concrened that she seems to be having hours and hours of homework every single evening, having no time for anything else, even soending time with the family or finishing her dinner properly. She also seems tired all the time and said she has so much homework and revision that she is not getting enough time to sleep. I was thinking of speaking to the school about this.

DH was also all set to phone the school to ask why the teachers were not teaching properly, and why such an unresasonable amount of homework, keeping her up after midnight every night, when this morning I received the mobile phone bill. The kids' bills are itemised on my bill.

DSD has send nigh on 700 texts (costing a total of £60!), nearly all to the same number, in the last month. The texting goes on all day and up to after 2 in the morning some days. Peak texting time seems to be when she is in her room in the evening supposedly doing her homework and revision. Texts are being sent every two or three minutes all eveing at times. She clearly is not attending to her work, she cannot be concentrating on maths, chemistry and biology when she is sending a text every couple of minutes!

I just phoned DH, he is furious and there is bound to be a major showdown this evening. He is particularly aggrieved that we were all set to believe that the school or teachers were at fault, totally beliveing DSD, when it is clear that in fact she is not paying attention to her work, and there is probably some romance going on which is taking all her attention. He thinks we should remove her phone in the evenings, take away the computer in her room, ban facebook, everything. What do other people feel would be reasonable measures (apart from getting her to pay back the cost out of her pocket money, I also feel really annoyed that she has basically free rein to make calls and send texts and I just pay for it all, she has really abused this trust). I also have been paying an extra chemistry and maths tutor to come in, because she said she was struggling with those subjects. I wonder now whether it is just that she is not paying attention.

She is normally a responsible and sensible girl, and I did not think she had any secrets from us, she always seems so open. This has come as a big shock! (Maybe I am naive, not having any previous experience of teenagers!)

We have a long way to go until we get to this stage but my gut feeling is that if this ever happened to us then yes the phone would go, we would check what homework there is and check when it is done and only then have access to FB, and limit the time on it so she goes to bed at a reasonable hour.

Well, how about she has half an hour when she gets in from school to just chill, then take the phone off her, put her in a room with no computerto do h/w and IF it's done properly, let her have her phone/fb/msn back till say 10/10.30 when it gets taken away again till the next day?

Great minds, Five!

Agree with you about chill time Mumble.

I think you and your DH need to calm down and have a discussion together before speaking to your DSD.

She has sent an average of 22 ish texts per day. That is quite a lot of texts to me but to a teenager it's not.

If she were my DD I'd have a chat to her about sixth form being a bit of a step up from GCSEs in terms of workload. I'd ask her to make up her own schedule of study time per week - or fortnight as they may have a fortnightly timetable at school. I'd make sure she scheduled in some time off into that too. She needs to separate study and leisure time.

I couldn't remove my DDs laptop from her because she really does use it for her schoolwork.

Oh - and sort out another mobile phone deal - you are being over charged

Well as someone who left school with crap results due to concentrating more on my boyfriend than schoolwork, you are quite right to be concerned that her (online) social life is distracting her.

I suggest that whatever you do, you and DH have it planned in advance and present a united front. It would be too easy for one of you to go off on one tonight and impose sactions that may be too harsh in the long run.

So what to do? Certainly I'd make her pay for the texts so far and really there is no reason why she's need her phone whilst revising.

WRT the internet I'd suggest that she should be revising from her own books so perhaps have the computer in a family room so if she needs to look something up online she can come downstairs to get the info or print it off.

You need to be reasonable though, so why not agree a length of time that she can have her phone and computer each evening, with the proviso that they are handed over to you at a set time to stop the late night messaging?

Hope you get it sorted.

Thnaks so much for the very quick replies! I know 22 texts on average a day is not all that much, but it is the pattern that I am particularly worried about, the fact that when we think she is studying and concentrating on her homework (or sleeping!) she's actually having a conversation with someone (presumably a boy) at the same time, which is having an obvious effect on her work!

I think that we will definitely take her phone off her when she goes into her room to do her homework. Taking away the computer/internet may be a bit harder as I know she uses it for legitimate work-related stuff, but if we at least ban Facebook during homework time that might do it?

(Yes I am shocked at what I have been charged by Orange, but the thing is that she has 75 free texts a month in her bundle, and up till now she's never gone over that, so they were always included! I am now inclined to limit her to 75 a month rather than buy a different bundle!)

The outcome of the parent's evening may well be a wakeup call if she is keen to get to a good university.

I think you ned to sit down with her and include her in finding a solution.Talk to her about what would be a realistic amount of time to set aside each week/evening to work, and don't allow her access to phone/facebook during that time.

There's no reason why she shouldn't be able to find a balance between the demands of her studies and her social life.

Re the £60 on texts - well she abused your trust, so she can't go on having unlimited credit. So limit it!

Tidybush, my last message crossed with yours.

Yes I agree that DH and I should plan and be united, and I don't want to be too harsh, but taking away the phone in the evening is the definite first step. Her computer is a laptop so we could remove it from her room for a set time as well. I think we may well do that.

Another complicating factor is that her sister (aged 14 and in final year of GCSEs) obvioiusly has the same privileges (unlimited phone and internet access) as her at the moment, do we take them away as well, or it would seem unfair? DSD2 is doing very well indeed at school and there are no concerns about her. She goes to bed and to sleep at a reasonable time, does not seem tired, and is making proper time for leisure and extracurriculer activities. Should she also pay the price for DSD1's behaviour?

Yep you need a new phone deal!

I don't think that's an outrageous amount of texting. If you agree with her that when she is studying she shouldn't be using her phone, and keep the phone charger downstairs in the kitchen so she can't be texting all night, then the problem should be self-limiting.

If she's in Lower 6th (16, going on 17)she's a young adult, and the approach needs to be her taking responsibility for her own actions. So IMO banning anything/tkaing the phone away would be inappropriate and infantilising.

I certainly wouldn't punish your dd2 if she's done nothing wrong.

I don't know the answer to your older sd - but I can't see any reason for her younger sister to share the sanctions - why on earth should she?

Is the school doing anything to address her underachievment?

She is in lower 6th and is 16 and a half. I agree that she is a young adult, which is why I am quite shocked by her abusing my trust like this, especially when she knows perfectly well I get fully itemised phone bills AND that I check them (that is to do with my having to sort out my own work and home calls for billing purposes, not to do with checking on the kids, by the way. It would just have been impossible for me to miss the pages and pages of the same nuumber coming up hundreds of time in her account!)

I do really think that texts every couple of minutes for hour after hour when we are sitting in the lounge thinking "poor DSD, what a huge amount of hoemwork she has", IS outrageous. Maybe I am hopelessly out of touch, but I cannot see how she can concentrate on anything like that.

I think I agree that DSD2 should not be affected in the same way (although she'll no doubt get a warning from DH too!)

We were going to phone the school to discuss the underachievment but I think the answer is at home not at school. This is a girl who has always done very well, been diligent and hard working. She is is a new school for sixth form, however, so they don't really know her yet.

Sorry I think my post came across slightly wrong there. 22 texts a day doesn't seem like a huge amount (when you're young and in love). But yes the pattern is a big problem.

Maybe talk with the school about how much work they think she needs to put in. Work out with DSD how she plans to do it.

But 22 texts a day isn't texts every couple of minutes for hour after hour, is it? It's maybe 7 an hour for 3 hours - and if some of them are at 2 in the morning then that's not even as often as that. Or am I missing something? I'm sure my dd sometimes texts like this while doing homework. It only takes 30 seconds to send a text - 22 is only 11 minutes worth of texting - 22 minutes if she gets and reads replies.

Please tell dp not to warn her younger sister as well - she will understandably resent it if she's done nothing wrong!

DS1 started texting late at night. We told him calmly and reasonably why it was not on and we now make him leave his phone in the kitchen when he goes to bed.
He knows that if the bill shows any texts after he is supposed to be asleep ( on a school night) we will take the phone away.

It is not a drama. Just explain the rules to her and agree a consequence if she breaks it.Make sure she understands that ^she6 does the school work in order to get the results and uni she wants. If she screws that she is the one who will pay the price.

Kids/teenagers often don't intend to text into the night - they just get caught up with what they are doing. How many of us MN when we really know we should be doing something else?

But if I were you I would think about the fact that you are especially angry about the fact that you pay school fees.
I pay school fees. My choice - not my sons. he never asked to go private so he has no greater responsibility to me over homework than if he went to a state school.

She is pretty much an adult. Resist the urge to try and micro manage her. She knows she is underperforming so ask her whether she would like you to remove her phone/any other distraction or if there's anything else she would like you to do to help her get back on track. Tell her good exam results are for her benefit and it makes no odds to you ultimately, although clearly you would like to see her do well.

Help her grow up and take repsonsiblity. Do not allow her to languish in childhood, blaming others for her failure.

"Do not allow her to languish in childhood, blaming others for her failure."

you say that as if it is a bad thing.....

That is so true Swedes
Dh and I are constantly having to remind each other about alowing DS1 to fuck up. He is going to make mistakes and the urge to shelter children from the consequences of their stupid stuff is huge - the habit of their younger years.
But we know that he has to make that connection in his head about being in charge of his own life before he leaves home.

I don't want a young man leaving my home feelingthat if he screws up it is someone elses fault or that some mysterious fairy is responsible for washing his knickers and organising a clean shirt - or paying the phone bill when he exceeds his tariff...

I really do appreciate all the comments. DH and I have now had a long discussion. I put all these points to him. He is now, having calmed down, of the opinion that we should give her a warning but not take away anything at this stage. She knows we will see what texts she sends and when. She also knows that she has to get good school results to get the kind of results she is hoping for. She is the one who will suffer if she does not.

I really do think that texting when you are supposed to be concentrating on work (especially hard subjects like maths and chemistry, which she admits she is finding challenging) is very counterproductive. If she was doing fine, I would not say anything. But she is not doing fine.

I am not focusing on the school fees issue, but it is undoubtedly a struggle to keep both of them in private schools (however the only alternative would be their going back to live with their mother in a another country, which we really don't want) and have tutors and all, and it is a pity for it to be wasted. Their mother has made the huge sacrifice of giving them up to let them come and live with us to get a better education. We make the sacrifice of paying big fees and airline tickets (but of course get the great pleasure of having them live with us). I don't think it is too much to expect that she at least tries her best, whatever that may be.

Are you not in this country then?

Sorry - how insular of me. Are you not in the UK, then?

I hesitate to say this - but do please remember that you and her mother chose to make what you see as sacrifices - you sd didn't. It seems to me that there is no reason why she should work extra hard because of this. She should work hard if she wants particular results - but any sacrifices you have made - financial or otherwise - should not be part of the equation. IMHO.

Does she message on MSN as well? From my experience of two DSs who have gone through this stage, homework is generally punctuated by frequent messaging as well as texting (except when exams were near when they decamped to the dining room to be away from the computer).

I would imagine that she could be finding her work more challenging than last year, and that she is procrastinating partly because she hasn't developed the study skills to tackle it. From what I remember GCSEs are much much easier than A levels - I really did not have to do much studying to get good GCSE results. And I definitely lacked discipline to get down to the harder work when I did my A levels.

I think you need to talk to her and try to get her to come up with ways to help herself get less distracted from her homework. If you prompt her she might even end up agreeing that she would benefit from leaving her phone downstairs for a couple of hours. And maybe she could talk to her teachers or get a book out of the library to work out ways of organising her work better, break down tasks to make them more manageable, etc.