who's right here, me or dh?

[mimsum]

have just had blazing row with dh because I didn't instantly back him up in a dispute with ds1. I was aware something was up when ds1 came haring into the kitchen followed by an angry dh, calling him a little shit and banning him from xbox for a week (he's only just got it back after another infraction, but that's another story ..) Anyway, my first reaction, especially as it's ds2's birthday, was to de-escalate things and try to separate the warring parties. DH was furious that I didn't immediately take his side, telling me I had to choose which side I was on. It transpires that ds1 had pushed dh away when dh was telling him off, dh took this as a physical attack and exploded.

We do have very different parenting styles, he's much more hardline and authoritarian, and imo doesn't know when to back off. When he's in full flow, frankly if i were a 12 year old boy, i'd feel like pushing him too ... however I don't tolerate pushing and have told ds1 he will be punished

How do you handle it when both parents have such different ideas on how to deal with things?

Pushing is forbidden in our house and I am hardline authoritarian too as is DW.

We back each other up and what I would suggest is you talk to DS1 on his own. Tell him his Xbox is confiscated and that pushing DH is unacceptable. That backs up DH. However, what you alo need to do is work out what the flash point is. The problem is that DS1 is on the cusp of becoming a man himself and is challenging DH. That may be the overarching problem here.

DH needs to accept DS1 is becoming a man and DS1 needs to accept DH is still the dominant male and you are the dominant female in the family. It takes a bit of rejigging and you can facilitate that by talking to both DH and DS1 separately.

I never undermine DH in front of the DCs - I'll take him out of the room and have the hissing "FFS, are you INSANE?" conversation, but I'll never do that in the midst of a dispute with a DC. But I won't necessarily back him up either if I think he has misjudged something or overreacted.

Your DS shouldn't have pushed him, your DH shouldn't be so shouty and aggressive that a 12 year old feels the need to push him. Like most things, it's not black and white - I think your DH is being a bit nuts to say that you have to take sides. And a 12 year old pushing an angry father is not really a physical attack.

Relationships between fathers and sons do change when the sons reach puberty - do they have shared interests? Would a bit more quality time together help?

TBH I wouldn't have immediately backed my dh up if he followed my ds in calling him "a little shit".

Your ds is 12, your dh is the adult but by what you have wrote he doesn't sound like the adult here.

Good luck xx

you don't hace to "take sides"- this isn;'t a battle between youand your children.

you need to discuss between you how you are going to discipline your children and stick to it. that means you may both have to make compromises in how you feel things need to be dealt with.

it IS important to be a united front, but at the same time i would NOT back dp up if i felt he was being overly harsh or unreasonable and i certainly wouldn't tolerate him calling any of the children a "little shit"- totally unacceptable.

you have to accept that sometimes kids ahve very poor impulse control, and when upset/tired/hungry/cross can find it hard not to lash out

i am not saying that makes it ok, but unless he regularly lashes out/pushes then it isn't deserving of a huge punishment, simpyl a reminder that pushing is not acceptable.

I don't undemine DH and he doesn't undermine me in front of the DCs. We sit down and talk about it and usually come to some sort of comprimise. We naver take sides.

Your DH is unreasonable on several counts:

He clearly lost his temper while dealing with DS, descended to the level of getting in DS's face (hence the shove), then had a running battle involving name-calling and throwing his weight around (confiscating the toy) with DS while DS walked away from him into the house. Insisting that you choose between DS and him means he doesn't have the emotional maturity to handle this sort of confrontation -- and he shouldn't start things with the DS that he can't control or finish.

You reacted on the spot to a situation you didn't know was coming by trying to be fair and just. This is what a reasonable adult might do, and imo, your DH is being a complete twat. But the two of you have to get together and discuss how discipline will be handled. He has got it wrong. He is taking things personally, not doing it with an aim of teaching or modelling behaviour but instead doing the knee jerk reaction thing as each incident comes up.

I recommend How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, if your DH is amenable to persuasion at all. Try to persuade him that he must take the long view, must have a big picture and a game plan to go along with it. He will end up feeling much more in control and things will go more smoothly if he can sign on to the idea of having an overall plan and not go day to day in reaction mode.

I am now divorced from a man who thought it was his way or the highway in most matters. My oldest DD no longer speaks to her father because he thought he knew better than anyone else and took the in-your-face path and attacked her physically one day when she was a young teen, over something stupid that he had a bee in his bonnet about. It was the last of many altercations of the sort you described. He wouldn't change, wouldn't listen, kept the same caveman approach, and lost the war even though he won a few battles. Sadly, this grown man will not make any attempt to speak to his own DD either; he is not mature enough to take the first step. He operates on the level of an angry child, preferring to blame me for the way things have turned out instead of examining his role in the disastrous relationship.

I think the husband needs to grow up and lead by example

cannot believe he asked you to take sides! how old is he?

Automatically backing him up when you have no idea whats going on is dangerous. You rightly waited until you understood the whole story before acting.
On the pushing note, if your son feels physically threatened (eg by someone standing in their personal space), surely you want to teach your child to remove themselves from that situation so that things can cool down and the child can feel safe. Lightly shoving someone out the way and removing yourself from a situation you feel threatened in, is the right thing to do.
From the sound of it, dh lost his temper, your son wanted out.

• it depends on the intent of the push as to if it was bad or not, a gentle push out the way if dh was blocking the door is one thing, and angry shove due to temper is unacceptable and violent.