Would it be awful if I didn't tell DH that DS1s teacher phoned (long, sorry)

[sunnydelight]

DS1 (16) is basically a good kid. A bit hormonal sometimes recently, but polite and generally well behaved and I can't quite believe we've got this far with so little grief. Anyway, he came shopping with me over the weekend and we were chatting. I asked him about school and he admitted he had been in a bit of trouble recently for "attitude". We've spoken before about the "whatever" attitude and the fact that it's not acceptable at 16 to let contempt show on your face no matter how you feel about the teacher (following a recent p/t meeting!), but he's never been in trouble before.

Anyway, just after the kids got in from school today the phone rang and it was DS1's history/geography teacher. He's a fairly young guy who DS1 likes (he does sport with them sometimes), and he told me that he sent DS1 out of class today because on asking him to move seats - there was some mucking around going on - DS1 turned around and said "are you serious?". Now I can just imagine the tone of voice, and it probably wasn't very respectful. The teacher was nice and said he knows DS1 is a good kid, but he needs to understand that in the classroom he can't talk to a teacher like that, and apparantly there have been a couple of similar incidents recently. So, I spoke to DS1 about it. He started off fairly defensive and couldn't see the problem - I think that because he perceived the teacher as "cool" he thought he could talk to him like one of his mates - but eventually headmitted it wasn't the right thing to do. The teacher said that he would keep him in at lunchtime tomorrow and talk to him, and DS1 has agreed that he will apologise. Now - if I tell DH I know he'll have a rant. DS1 has just got a new laptop (his old one was stolen following a break in and he's waited 4 months for it to be replaced) and I know DH will take the laptop away if I tell him DS1 is in trouble at school. I feel I've dealt with it, and tbh could really do without the fall out. DH and I usually present a pretty united parenting front, but in this case I kind of think it's not necessary to let him know what's happened unless it happens again. What do you reckon?

I'd be tempted not to tell however I would as I would be livid had I not been told. Taking the laptop away would be extreme as he's already been punished by the school anyway.

I think on one hand your DH has a right to know esp if things go further wrong and then it will be 'why didn't I know about this before' which may leave your jaw slack and response weak unless you pre plan how you will answer this.

I think the key may be to tell but to get dh to agree that DS has already apologised and the teacher and you are happy with the apology. That if DH takes the laptop away and rants he will be undermining your authority. (that point is the most important IMO) So ask him to resist taking 'control' and to speak with DS that he is aware of what has happened, that he would lose his laptop etc if his attitude does not improve pronto.

gotta go wipe a bottom so sorry if that seems rushed/bossy.

You need to give him the chance to redeem himself, improving his attitude, taking the detention and apologising sounds enough.
Save the heavy guns for any further, more serious infringements later down the line.
He's been a good lad up until this point, and it's a very minor issue.
Ask yourself what positive contribution your husband could make.

That's my take on it Goblinchild, I don't think DH can make a positive contribution at this stage. On the other hand he probably does have a right to know as foxy says, and herculus has a point as I too wouldn't be happy not to be told.

At the moment I'm taking the coward's way out as DH was up at 5am for a flight to Melbourne and he's not due home for another couple of hours (iat's evening here). I don't think it will be right time for a discussion about DS1's behaviour so I've got a day's grace. Gotta go and do bedtime for little ones, thanks for your input.

I would work on a "need to know" basis. Does your dh need to know? Does he want to know? Maybe you're doing him a favour by sparing him?

You've handled the situation, the teacher is doing the right thing too.

You could mention in passing to ds that on this occasion you won't tell his father, but if it happens again....

It doesn't sound like it's such a big deal, save Dad's big guns for when you really need them.

I'd be rather uncomfortable about keeping this kind of secret from my dh - he is just as much the child's parent as you are.

Think foxy has the right approach. Get the solution all sewn up before you speak to dh and explain that he was away etc. etc. so it is all dealt with, no need for further action. And maybe have an assertive but not aggressive chat with dh about reaction to any future problems...?

Well DS1 had a chat to the teacher today and apologised, and the teacher was happy with that and made his expectations of future behaviour clear so it all seems sorted. DH and I have been kind of passing each other all week as he's been busy, so I think I'll mention it at the weekend in a fairly casual way as part of "how the kids have been all week" rather than making a big deal of it so that way I'm not holding out on him but it's too far down the line to make a big deal of it. I think it's called sitting on the fence

I think it's called knowing your men well!