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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

feellike i am losing my dd....sad :(

19 replies

pineapplecube · 10/10/2009 00:34

I feel sad lately about my 19 year old dd. She is my only dd, have 2 ds's as well who are younger. She stays at her boyfriends house (he lives with parents he is 18) about 5 nights a week. She eats there alot also and I don't get to see much of her with her college/work etc.

She never seems to have time to spend with me. All my friends dds seem to go out/shopping with them etc. We discussed going to see a film before it came out that we both love but she went with a friend...not a close one a girl she is not even that keen on but none of her other friends wanted to see it.

The other day she came in for 10 mins and then was panicking to go again as the bf's mom had done her tea. She is so secretive and never wants to tell me anything her friends tell me more.

More than once I have bumped into the boyfriends mom and she will start tellin me somethin about them and I don't know anything about it.

I feel left out and sad and I just don't get it. She does send me txts tellin me she loves me etc but I think it is just guilt.

I just feel sad if I mention it to her she gets huffy and says I am nagging.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Tortington · 10/10/2009 01:40

no advice really - just to day that i know how you feel - and that i thin thats the way of the world.

when she and her BF split up - as the odds suggest - she will need you

if she has a baby - she will want you

invite the bf roudn for tea

RobynLou · 10/10/2009 01:45

I was you dd 10 years ago...then I grew through that phase and now am married to a man my mum loves, have a daughter who gives her so much joy and talk to her most days on the phone, see her once every 3ish weeks (she lives over an hour away)
like the terrible twos this is a phase which she will grow through, don't demand her time, be there when she needs you - set her free and she'll come back to you

sparkle09 · 10/10/2009 01:57

im quite a way behind you with a DS 5yo and DD2yo but i am almost a mother to my DSIS19yo and im finding it really hard to let go of sis!

as she has boyfriends and is drinking and i really hate it,

i also try to imagine how i would be with DD2yo and i just think the more you pester and push them the more they rebel against what you say. just set her free, just make sure she knows truly that you are there always for her and that you love her deeply,

by doing that i think you cant do much wrong and she will always come to you because you are her MUM! xxxxxx

mumeeee · 10/10/2009 12:47

I know how you feel. I've got 3 DDs DD1 22,DD2 19 and DD3 17.
DD1 is married and living in London now. DD2 went off to uni in September and DD3 is at college but often goes out with her friends. she does still talk to us and does not stay out late. But DD2 used to spend a lot of time in her romm or out with friends when she was at home. II now speak to her about once a week on the phone and we also comminicate by text and emai. I do spend time with all of them at times. But it is normal for a 19 year old not to spend time with thier Mums. Your DD is growing up like mine are,and although it is sad we need to let go and let them get on with their lifes.

fruitspooksbatsintheeaves · 10/10/2009 12:50

my dd is 16 and is becoming a bit distant too. However I have Facebook and have found it useful to keep up with what she is feeling or if anything is up and then I can talk to her about it.

CuppaTeaJanice · 10/10/2009 13:05

Is her boyfriend allowed to stay at your house? If not, that's prob the reason she stays at his place so much. Being in an 'adult' relationship is still new and exciting for her compared to the familiarity of home with you and your sons.

Once the excitement has waned a bit, she'll want to spend time with you again. Just make sure your door's always open to her and her friends.

I think we all need a bit of space as our relationship with our parents changes from adult/child to adult/adult.

phoenix09 · 10/10/2009 13:43

Sounds alot like my daughter. She is very immersed in her social life but I do get asked to accompany her on shopping trips when she wants me to buy her some new clothes. Never wants to accept my invite to do lunch so at the risk of feeling like some sad and lonely mother - I have tried to immerse myself in other things and get new interests. It's scary how you can lose sight of the things you want to do when you have a family. You may even enjoy this new found freedom.

Nothing stopping you from inviting them round for dinner (ask him) if you don't think it will upset your daughter.

There is such thing as 'too much of a good thing' so maybe the novelty will wear off and she will be able to 'share' herself around a little more. My daughter puts 110% into every new relationship then seems to burn out and it fizzles off I'm sure they will learn from this.

Hope it gets better for you pineapplecube (love the name by the way).

cory · 10/10/2009 16:25

It is hard, but it is the way of life. When I was that age I had already moved to the other end of the country and was preparing to move abroad. Contact with my parents (whom I love dearly) was through a weekly telephone call and visits in the holidays. We are still close, but the truth is, I am grown up, I was already grown up at 19 and had my own life to live. In my case, this happened naturally because I went to uni, but probably would have happened anyway.

dollyparting · 13/10/2009 07:43

My dd is a little younger than yours but we have noticed over the summer how much she was growing away from us. All part of the natural way of things, and to be expected, but I am reluctant just to let things go in case when she does need some support or comfort, she finds it difficult to share with us.

So my dh and I have embarked on "operation dd's name". We were conscious that often when dd was in the house we would be busy with other things - most of which were just activities of life. So now whenever she is around we make a big effort to engage properly with her. If she is eating later than we are then one of us makes time to sit down with her and chat while she's having dinner. We deliberately think of activities she might like to do e.g. going for a picnic, stopping for ice-cream etc, and when she is watching One Tree Hill or the 200th re-run of Friends, then I will watch with her.

It is not as dd-centric as it sounds - she is out a lot and we have plenty of time to ourselves, but it does feel like it is making a difference, and it feels like we are doing something positive.

GetOrfMoiLand · 13/10/2009 08:27

Dolly that sounds like a good idea. Will be a good idea to implement Project DD in my house. Me and DP work long hours, so time when we are all at home seems to be taken up with chores and other committments.

My dd is younger than the OP's (13) however I have notice small things that make me think that she is 'breaking away'. We are still very close however I think that her closeness with me is starting to be replaced with that of her friends. For instance we were going to plan to watch Julia & Julia, however at the last minute she said it was a bit sad and a mothers film, and would rather go to the cinema with her friends.

I think the severing of the umbilical cord is painfully done with a very blunt serrated knife.

2rebecca · 21/10/2009 09:38

I think it's good when teenagers do this and am pleased to see my 2 becoming independant.
At 18 I moved away to college and although back in holidays never really moved back to my parents' house emotionally. from the time I moved out I didn't really think of it as my home any longer. Thankfully my mum had her own friends and social life and my dad and her job and my younger sibs so wasn't trying to drag me out on trips or make me tell her personal stuff.
You sound a bit lonely and as though you need more friends rather than trying to get closer to your daughter when she is trying to break away.

snowaddict · 25/10/2009 22:12

pineapplecube. I feel for you. I'm going through the same thing with my 18 year old dd. Its so hard - she's been my focus for the last 18 years. How can you just switch off your mothering instinct. I hate this. Its so hard.

Shes an only one and has just gone off to uni. not too far away - so I thought I could visit her for an hour every other week and go for dinner with her. I thought it was going ok until this weekend.

she has not returned any of my calls. and has ignored my texts all weekend.

I have just rang someone I know she will be with and could hear her in background and she would not come to the phone.

I have always been there for her -whatever the problem. I'm there.

I've no answers just feel for you. Hugs.

mumeeee · 26/10/2009 21:56

snowaddict I know how you feel. But visiting her every other weekend might have got a bit to much for her. When young people go off to uni, they want to start being independent and although they love their Mothers, will not want them to be texting them all the time. DD2 19 went to uni in September. But it is to far for us to visit every other week. She has come home today for a few days ( has a reading week so does not have to go into uni). She has spent the evening with us and is now watching a DVD with her younger sister. She says she likes getting letters from home and does usually answer my calls or texts. But I try not to phne more than once a week. Of course I'm still her Mother and love her very much but she needs to have a life of her own.

Danthe4th · 29/10/2009 11:28

She will come back, that was me many years ago.

Feelingsensitive · 30/10/2009 20:27

My DD is only 4 and I dread this. Ridiculous as it sounds but I know I will miss her so much. It really keeps me going when she is driving me mad! You need to look at this as a new chapter in your life and time to pursue other things. It will prepare you for when your DS's leave as well. It's also the foundations for your relationship with your adult daughter rather than your child daughter. I think most people (including myself) had several years of detachment from their parents from about this age and then became closer again when we were older. I know I used to see my mum maybe 4-5 times a year and perhaps one call a week from 18-26 years old. Not saying how it is for everyone but it was for me. Since getting married and having DCs we are much closer. I also returned home when I was in need at 19.

eggshapedbanana · 31/10/2009 01:36

I have just found this thread and am sitting here with tears in my eyes. My dd is only 13 but she is moving away from me so fast it hurts. I have had a big argument with her tonight because the only time she has spent with me over the week is when she has wanted me to buy her things, other than that she is out from the moment she wakes up until last thing at night and even when she is in she is on MSN to her friends. I feel that I am completely not needed and only wanted when I have my purse open, I don't spoil her and am talking about the fact that she needed new pjs, not that I was buying her frivolities. I spoke to her tonight as we had another bust up about her being out all day and she insists that she still wants to spend time with me, but in fact doesn't make any effort to. I work in a school so am on holiday at the same time as my dcs and did say to her tonight that I am going to make more of my own friends and take up interests of my own as I understand that she doesn't need me any more. Sorry that I have repeated most of what has already been said, but my heart is breaking and I am finding it difficult.

catinthehat2 · 31/10/2009 02:31

Not going to show this thread to DH as he would be even sadder than I am reading it. It is almost unbearable in places.

cory · 02/11/2009 08:00

I can understand that it's unbearably sad to feel that you are losing connection with your 13yo, but when it comes to a young adult of 18 or 19, I think you do have to accept that this is their time of life for adventure and independence. The reason I am still so close to my parents at the age of 45 is that they accepted this and were happy for me. Their attitude made this a happy and exciting time for me; if I had had to waste it feeling guilty, I might have found that difficult to forgive afterwards when all the hard things in life hit me. I know it's hard, but smiling through tears is one of those things parents have to do. And most children who are waved off with a smile at 19 come back with big hugs at 25- so it pays off.

CyberCinders · 02/11/2009 08:19

my dd aged 18 has moved in with her boyfriend

and yes i miss her heaps

But we had an amazing day out on saturday

and Im finding it very hard not to mother her when i see her

and luckily i see her most days

maybe as my friend said .
you need to be there when they do turn to you

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