When teenagers fall out...

[winnie1]

My daughter and her best friend (of several years)have fallen out and their seems to be no resolution. My daughter is heartbroken although seems to be coping better now (a few weeks on) than at the beginning. Being a teenager is horrible at the best of times. How do others cope with their childrens disappointments? Also, I am so upset and angry for her and am at a loss to know what more I can do... although I know realistically I can do nothing... I certainly will not interfere... part of the problem is I hate seeing my daughter so hurt and upset. She's still my baby and it's so frustrating that one simply can't make everything better for them! Any advice greatly appreciated.

Winnie
I had this with my dd (15 today!) for months, coming to a head a couple of months ago - heartbreaking, isn't it? I think so much is invested in a 'best friend' of several years standing.

DD was being dropped when her best friend moved a short distance away and started walking home from school with someone seen as funnier, livelier, more interesting, more fashionable than dd: best friend could find no time for dd at all. Was going to go on holiday with new friend, doing everyhting with her. Worst came when on a Saturday dd had arranged for b/f to come round to have a heart to heart (all carefully planned, mother at work, father and brothers our for afternoon) when b/f rang up at the last moment to say that she had too much homework to do and couldn't come. DD devastated and rang me at work in tears: I raced home and took her out for the afternoon. On Sunday she rang up b/f again to see if they could talk, and was told that she was going running with the other girl, and DD could go too if she wanted. Said no, and did not talk again all day.

I actually did speak to b/f's mother, who felt it was a flash in the pan. And it has turned out that way in the end.

One thing dd did was to write a letter to b/f which she kept until it was pretty tattered before handing it over, basically saying what she really liked and valued about her, and explaining how unhappy she felt. Big courage to do this I think, as I could see all sorts of possible outcomes. But the actual outcome is they are back together again, although I think dd is beginning to be more independent which is probably good, and making other friends too - not easy when you are shy.

Was the split something your dd started, or the other girl? Much sympathy, this is a really horrid thing to happen.

Happy Birthday to your DD, Copper!

winnie, I am sorry, it is so distressing when this kind of thing happens and there is nothing you can do about it. Copper's message shows that it needn't be final, and as her DD has obviously grown from the experience that's really cheering, but of course it depends what it's all about and it sounds from the tone of your message that there is more to your DD's problem?

My kids had more of this kind of thing when they were younger - eg where a threesome just doesn't work (and it often doesn't) - I can't remember any major falling outs since primary school. (But then maybe mine have fallen out with and upset others...I wouldn't hear about that, would I?)

No advice to offer, sorry, but I hope that either they can resolve the unresolvable or that your DD can find another (better?) friend.

winnie1 and copper You both have my sypathies. My daughters have had this done to them (17+18 now) around that age. Friends just grow apart. They develop different interests and yes b/f goes to where "grass is greener" ie flashy clothes etc.
All I can say to you both is that your dd's will find other b/f that will be better than the first.I can assure you both on that score. But what happens in the meantime is the problem. I would encourage more activities like cinema, swimming, youth club whatever is near you. Not for them to find friends (as they will come along naturally)but to help ease the boredom and heartbreak of losing their b/f.

If it is any consolation my 3rd daughter, she is 13 has had this problem too and TBH getting very annoyed. My friend and I have them the same age so automatically they became b/f since they were toddlers. They even went to same high school so they could be together. 12 months ago b/f did what copper described found someone else. My dd was devasted and I took my own advice and encouraged her to go out to cinema etc. She then found another b/f at school and they have been very close for about 9 months.Now the other girl is bored with her other mate and wants my dd all to herself again. I only found out this morning and am annoyed as my dd has gone off with ex mate and left her new mate on her own. I will be having serious discussion with my dd tonight. It is not on IMO as dd knows how it feels to feel rejected and lonely.

Sorry about the rant but I get fed up with all the bickering that teenage girls do. It must be the hormones raging.

Wrote a long reply that has just been wiped!!!!!! Urghhhh. Now its time to go... but will reply... thanks for all your thoughts... happy birthday Coppers dd!!

Thanks for all the birthday wishes! Can't believe two things - three things.

1. how quickly 15 years have gone 2 she was ever that small (baby, toddler, etc) 3 I used to live quite happily without her 16 yrs ago.

Winnie, I hope your daughter is beginning to feel a bit better

Copper, thanks for asking. Finally have the chance to reply. And I completely understand where you are coming from with your three points. I was recently looking through a box of dd’s things from when she was little and it was bizarre. It’s full of doll like dresses and matinee jackets and it is hard to believe she was ever that small! Ds tried on a pair of red t-bar sandals that dd wore on her first day at school and they fit ds (who is only 2.5)!
However, your posts gave me some hope regarding the present situation and although I know it from my own experience at school it is good to know dd is not alone. How differently these things seem with age and perspective. I remember being a teenager and falling out with a friend and believing the world would come to an end. (Interestingly I have met my own ex b/f in recent years and we picked up exactly where we’d left off before the antagonism and although we don’t see each other very often we have a really good relationship now and our falling out has never been mentioned!) It is also good to know that these situations do ‘work themselves out’ in the short term too. It is simply horrid to watch dd going through it. I know that feeling of rushing home following a distressing phone call to deal with a dd who is emotionally in pieces. It is interesting Copper that you mentioned that your dd is now more independent and making other friends. Dd is doing this too. In fact dd seems to be coping much better now and dh and I have noticed quite a change in her. She doesn’t understand why ex b/f refuses to want to talk to her and sort it out. Although yesterday they seem to have exchanged more than a ‘hello’ (which is a start).

Janh, you are very perceptive to notice that there is more to dd’s problem: the more being me and my guilt. I have allowed and encouraged ex b/f to stay over regularly, eat with us several times a week, come out with us on days out and even attend extended family gatherings with us. She became quite a fixture in our house and is therefore missed by ds as well as dd and by me. I wonder if I should not have been quite so accommodating. If I hadn’t been would dd have been quite so hurt by ex b/f rejection? However, this is just me, and lots of dd’s friends stay over and eat with us and come out with us, ex b/f just did it on a very regular basis. Without going into details, I recognised something in dd’s friend that I experienced when I was a teenager and I know the godsend having a sanctuary can be. So I feel guilty for providing that sanctuary because I feel that I have left both girls down. And even though I know it’s not my place to I now worry about ex b/f, and I know there is nothing I can realistically do. (We were one of the few constants in her life.) And whilst the disagreement was about b/f being jealous of dd’s other friends (and I can see both points of view here) imho dd has dealt with it in a much more mature manner (she initially tried to talk to b/f about it) but ex b/f has simply shut down and refused to speak to dd for weeks.

Doormat, did you talk to your dd about her treatment of new mate following the appearance of old mate? I completely understand why you were annoyed.

Dh, my Mum and I have been encouraging more activities as suggested because you are so right: the absence of b/f leaves a huge gaping hole in their lives at a time when too much time is simply too much time to dwell. I did suggest the idea of dd writing a letter to ex b/f but dd has said she will think about it but is very afraid of the possible outcomes.
I am so glad I never have to be a teenager again … although it is the most amazing thing to watch; the flowering of a child into the adult they are going to be…

Winnie,
it sounds as though your dd's ex b/f is likely to be the loser in this, as your whole family provided such a welcome for her. I don't think you should feel guilty at all. Has somehting happened in b/f's life that she feels a need to withdraw from all of you? Or did she expect dd to give way and abandon all other friends, and when that did not happen has found herself painted into a corner?

Well, they've made up (as you predicted). Things are not quite back to normal (they aren't seeing quite so much of each other and they are both spreading their wings a bit) dare I say it but it does actually seem to have done them both a little good.

Copper, in answer to your question I think b/f is simply a hormonal teenager (who has never been taught to express her feelings - unlike dd who expresses hers vocally! - and like many young people of her age everything is huge). I know she has been surprised that dd didn't just tell her to 'go away' and that has helped.
Thanks again

Winnie just read this thread and its good to hear that it has been partially resolved. You mustnt feel guilty, it must have been a very good thing for both girls that you were so welcoming. I hope and try to be like that with my kids friends (eldest is 11) but its not alway easy or possible. I can see that it is a loss for you too when the bf is not around, must be like when parents say they miss their grown up children's exes..

Hey, Winnie, this is good news - sounds as though they've both grown up a little bit in the process. Really pleased that things have sorted out.