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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

1 2

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

I know DS (15) and his gf are having sex but I have every right to say I don't want them sleeping together, don't I?

36 replies

PurpleLostPrincess · 02/07/2009 17:00

I fell pg with DS when I was 16 years old and he knows the circumstances around it (I was a good christian girl who ended up getting pg). My parents thought they were open with me but actually I couldn't talk to them at all, esp my mum, because her reactions to stuff were hurrendous!!! So as a result, I have tried to make sure that DS and I have good communication etc and so far so good (I'm not under any illusions that this will always be the case lol!). He told me when he had his first kiss, he told me when he lost his virginity (last year) and we've been very open about condoms etc and encouraged him to try and make sure its only with a special girl, not to two-time etc and STD's/pg etc without preaching or lecturing. He's had a gf for nearly 4 months and she's a lovely girl with problems of her own but nonetheless she is a great influence on him and he keeps telling me 'she's the one mum!!' >.

Anyway, we've had her at the house quite a bit lately and got to know her. Her mum is always at her bf's house so I often get begged to give her a lift home as her house is the other side of town and the busses don't run after a certain time. I'm happy to provide lifts etc but last weekend I was in pain (af!) and didn't want to go out in the evening. Turned out she would have been in the house on her own so we invited her to stay over provided her mum was OK with it and that they stayed in separate beds. They did stay in separate beds (I stayed up to make sure and checked through the night lol!).

Anyway, we've invited her to come on holiday with us in August - its in a static caravan and we all enjoy each others company (I've heard this is strange for teenagers!?). I know they'll probably find opportunities to have sex and as long as they are discreet and use protection I don't see the point in trying to stop them. By the way, he is 15 and she is 16. Anyway, DH thinks they should be allowed to sleep in the same bed but I'm saying NO WAY, NEVER!!!! I just don't think it's right for them to sleep together or for us to encourage it, whether they're having sex or not, I think they're too young...

I'd really value your opinions - I'm not going to change my mind on this but do like to hear what other people think just to add a bit of perspective...

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

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2shoes · 03/07/2009 23:27

I have a teen(well 2 but dd is different as sn) ds is 17 and tbh I accept that he will, in my house
as long as girlie is over 16 I have to ...(run and hide)

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PurpleLostPrincess · 03/07/2009 23:35

Thank you everybody - yes I guess I left out the fact that I have two other DC's - DD1 is 10 and DD2 is 1.10 (not that she has a clue what is going on!). So much of it is about what goes on around DD1 at her age...

What I'm trying to say is that MY views as a christian are quite old fashioned and having learnt 'the hard way', yes I don't believe in sex before marriage. We're all entitled to our opinions after all. However, I accept that my son hasn't chosen to live his life according to MY beliefs, which is right, he has to decide what HE believes in and why etc for himself, not because of me. Oh I'm getting myself all in a tizzle now, I can't explain what I mean. Part of why I started this thread was to try and get it straight in my head - sometimes explaining it to strangers and verbalising it can straighten it out but maybe not lol!

I'm just trying to keep it real I guess... He will move out in the next couple of years and what he chooses to do in his home is his choice but while he's under my roof and esp while he is under 16/18, I think I should get a say in sleeping arrangements. I remember being a teenager and using either my bed or my bf's parents house but never while they were in the house too!! I guess I'll tackle whether or not they sleep together while visiting in a few years when its relevant...

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imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy · 06/07/2009 12:48

i asoultely think you are not being unreasonable to impose a sleeping together ban. Especially as you have younger children to consider. If he is mature enough to have a sexual relationship, he will hopefully be mature enough not to want to impose that on you and quite frankly, how more embarrsing could it be? Having sex while your mum is next door - nup, you are doing the right thing.

I don't think your ideals are old fashioned. I am not married, but in a long term relationship (17 years) My main regret in life is not waiting for "the one".

Saying that, tis normal to want to sow ones wild oats as a youngster. I don't think he has turned his back on your beliefs in any way, i just think he is at that age where he has to find out for himself what his bounderies are - it will take him a good few years to fathom that one out!

I think it speaks volumes about your parenting that he feels he can be open with you about this. you should feel very proud about that.

yeah, they are going to do it, yeah, it might be behind the beach huts or whatever, but thats preferable to with mum and dad in the next room with the TV blaring to blot out any "sound effects"

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TitsalinaBumsquash · 06/07/2009 12:57

I don't think your being unreasonable at all.

Your son is 15 and lives under your roof, so imo he should live by your rules, you sound like a fab mum who he can talk to and isn't afraid to tell you things, i hope i will be like that with my boys when they are older.

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barbara73069 · 07/07/2009 19:35

I really think you have to do what you are comfortable with. My daughter has been with her bf since she was 13 and she's 16 now. I let him sleep here in her bed pretty much whenever they want since they are in a long term committed relationship. I always wanted my kids to understand that sex can be wonderful in a loving long term relationship and as long as they don't flaunt it at my house I'm fine with them sleeping together. But it's your house and you have to be comfortable with whatever you decide. Good luck, Barb

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nappyaddict · 16/07/2009 17:36

AGal..... How how old were DS and his GF when you first allowed them to sleep together in your house?

My mum let me when I was about 15/16. Saying that I got pregnant at 17 so maybe it wasn't the best idea.

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Mamazon · 16/07/2009 17:41

I think that if your happy to acknowledge if not encourage their sex life then i think it would be a little hypocritical to then forbid them sharing a bed.

whilst i understand its ikydome (i know thats not really a word but couldn't think of a better one) surely its better that they are having the sex you already know about in a safe and secure environment than out in a field or bus shelter or whatever?

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ohbabygivemeonemorechance · 17/07/2009 10:39

I think it's just a bit young.
Also depends on the geography of the house~my ds,18has moved down a floor from the rest of us and that is better~he and his gf half live together in there and it is fine

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aGalChangedHerName · 18/07/2009 23:01

Nappyaddict ds was almost 16 and his gf was 15. I wasn't really happy about it but given that they were already 'doing it'....

She did (after discussion with me then her mum) have yje contraceptive implant so the PG thing isn't an issue.

I absolutely would not want them doing it behind a beach hut,sorry but that makes me Now ds1 is nearly 18 and it seems like much less of a big deal iykwim?

I would rather bring up a child who can seek advice and talk to me than not.

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nappyaddict · 19/07/2009 13:46

I think that's the approach my mum took with me. She knew I was doing it anyway and would rather I was doing it in my bed than up an alley/in the woods/in the park/in a car/in a field/at house parties etc like many of my friends were.

Did you discuss it with gf's parents before you allowed her to stay over?

I got pregnant whilst taking the pill (correctly) and I still get paranoid now that I'm going to get pregnant again on it. I am thinking of going on the injection because it is supposedly more reliable but I think it has a lot of side effects. I considered the implant but I know a few people who have got pregnant on that aswell.

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aGalChangedHerName · 19/07/2009 15:20

Hmm she has felt fine health wise with the implant and no hint of a pg thank god!! I know the pg worry does cross their minds.

Her mum and i talked before we let them stay ove at each others houses. They have been together for 3 years (in April this year) and are going on holiday in August so it's a serious thing iykwim?

He does know tho that if he and his gf finish he won't be allowed to have another girl to stay unless it's a 1 year + serious relationship.