multiple ear piercings - is this worth making a fuss about

[jt64]

hello lovely mumsnet people. this is my first post so apologies if my language is wrong.

we seem to be in a constant tussle with dd1 (14) over ear piercing. the first hole in the lobe was aged 8 when we felt she was old enough to make a decision and we agreed to another at 12.

we declined a 3rd but at 13 she did it anyway, took it out on request then reinserted it. this one has stayed (I know, I know).

we have always been absolutely adamant that anything at the top of the ear wasnt going to be acceptable but just before christmas, I noticed it in her ear, insisted it was removed and grounded her.

it's quite difficult because she has long hair but this week i noticed that her best friend now had top of ear piercings so asked dd to show me. lo and behold, 2 in one ear and 1 in the other. she removed these without argument.

this morning, I went into her room to give her a cheque for a school trip, asked to look and they had been put back in. the holes must have been there for some time for her to do this. i have now taken back the cheque but I am not sure where to go from here.

is it that I am an old fuddy duddy and this is the least of my problems. I think top of ear is 'common' and I apologise to those of you who have made considered choices to have multiple piercings.

or is that this demonstrates the contempt with which she holds us, it's a loss of trust and declining to send her on the trip is a reasonable.

thank you so much for your advice

I think it's her way of rebelling and exerting her independence - and to be honest, I think you're doing pretty well with her if this is the extent she's rebelling!

The fact that you don't like it is part of what makes it tempting to her, but I think the fact that her friend(s) have it done is a bigger reason. Girls (and boys) that age like to fit in with their group of friends.

Personally, I'd say, "Well, I don't like it and you know that, but they're your ears so I'm not going to keep on about it". You may have to say it's not ok for school, depending on their rules.

By the way, I have a son of 15 but no girls, and luckily he hasn't wanted any piercings so far so I don't have specific experience of how I'd react if he did this. But generally, I don't mind a bit of rebellion if its not actually unsafe.

the actual piercings are not the problem imo. the fact that sh is doing them, despite knowing thatyou absolutely refuse to allow them is the issue.
not sure what advice to offer. but my sympathies

It sounds like it has turned into a power struggle over something rather silly.

What is your problem with the piercings? Multiple piercings don't carry any more health problems than single piercings.

Are you worried about school's opinion? What the neighbours think?

Banning things like this just seems to encourage rebellion imo. Better to let her face consequences herself. (if there are no consequences, then why is it a problem to you?)

I have several piercings and love them and had multiple piercings in my teens. For me, the consequences are...I may have issues in job interviews and occasionally with other mums at the school gate who have prejudices. But I've done ok for myself with the piercings in, had a good career before becoming a sahm, have nearly finished a masters degree in business and can always take them out or put more subtle jewellery in should the situation call for it. I've also found them quite a benefit for being memorable when engaging in more creative occupations and activities

I really think it makes more sense to talk and explain worries and reassure one another than to put down unenforceable rules which breed resentment on both sides.

Sorry, I sounded a little harsh there. I just feel that by setting up a conflict over something small, it makes your relationship more adversarial at a time when you really should be building trust because bigger issues are probably around the corner.

Yeah, if she's doing them herself or in unsanitary conditions, that is more of a worry. A minor infection is easy to deal with. Hepatitis isn't.

But I think the 'health risk' is a red herring. The OP said she doesn't like it because it's 'common' - that's pretty hard to argue with because it's basically a matter of personal taste. Does that mean you're ashamed to be seen with her if she has it done?

The problem is, by sticking up a barrier and just saying 'You mustn't do this', she is more likely to go 'underground' and have it done in crap conditions. Far better for you both to talk about the situation and for you to explain what concerns you about it.

But I think just saying 'it's common' isn't going to cut it with her. You know you've got a weak argument when it comes down to 'Because I say so' and I think that's where this is leading.

See, I remember in my teens, I had a friend whose mother hated piercings. They fought over everything, but my friend went out and got her ears pierced one day and the mother gave her hell over mutilating herself. That friend went on to keep everything secret from her mother, ended up involved with drugs and a whole lot of other things.

My grandmother (who looked after me) wasn't keen on multiple piercings and explained that she didn't like how they looked, but she let me go and get them, acknowledging that it was my body and I had to look after them and deal with the response I might get to them. I really trusted her and we talked about everything. I wouldn't have dreamt about going behind her back on anything because we could always talk. Not because she let me get my own way all the time, but because if she put her foot down, I knew she had a really good reason for it. I'm still incredibly close to her and take her advice with my own kids.

Your relationship with your dd is different, yet again, but on things like this, I always remember that friend of mine fighting with her mother and just think 'was it worth it?'

I would say that you should pick your battles, not every small difference of opinion or desire to look different from how you tell her she is allowed to look is representative of a greater contempt. She is not you, she will have some of the same values and opinions as you, but she will also have different ones and will be flexing those. When will she be allowed to flex these or have some control over them? All of a sudden when she's 18 maybe? Do you think it's healthy to go from one to the other? Or maybe it would be better to have guidance through these things? Talking through consequences with someone more experienced, even if they then do not take the advice. Like Carmen says, if you're not part of the decision making process then you may be blocked out of it completely and that could have bad consequences.

I think teenage years are about redefining the parent/child relationship for adulthood, which will last much longer.

Okay, that was a bit going on for a simple ear piercing question! LOL!

thank you all. the difficulty is that I do think that this is symptomatic of a wider issue but maybe it is mine rather than hers. it's not about wanting to control her life. your posts suggest that my concern is to be in control of everything but I gues the issue is that our views are of so little value to her that she feels able to disregard them. I understand that she needs to develop her own view. carmenssndiego you speak of how you took advice from your grandmother but she wouldnt ask for ours. please dont say that something I have done has brought us to this point because I dont believe that is the case. we have never had 'the talk' because she doesnt want to hear it. appealingly to her better judgement or consideration of my feelings is a waste of time. I am sorry, this sounds really bleak but that is how I am feeling right now.

but you are right, my problems are small, school is good, she has nice friends. I dont want to be her friend but I do want appreciation that I have value as a human being.

you are right I am overreacting. it's friday and I'm tired.

And with regard to parental signatures. i thought this was the law too. it's good practice but not legally required. she's 14 but unless you know the difference in the look between 14 and 16, you could choose not to ask

A very sensible/cool friend of mine has a navel piercing (and I suspect piercing(s?) somewhat lower down). She was a rebellious sort herself.

She recommended the same route to a teenager relative who was having the same difficulty with her parents and was threatening facial piercings .

The important thing is that you get the cool piercings as a teen, but you don't risk being rejected at job interviews when you are 23, because they are invisible under your interview outfit.

Multi earpiercing are just not going to cut it for many jobs later on unfortunately, and that's not just for barristers.

I think it depends what you mean by multiple ear piercings though. I personally have 7 in my ears but they can all be removed: I keep a small gold stud in the top one and have one pair on the lobes if I need to tone it down. Piercings will heal and no-one has commented on mine (except my mother to say she wasn't a fan of my ears being full of metal to start but now acknowledges I wear them 'classily' - in her presence at least!).

I think you need to define some new rules - maybe ears are okay but facial piercing definitely not on and will result in sanctions? Belly button is fine as long as midriff is never on show?

Don't over react to multiple piercings, my parents wouldn't let me get a second piercing done but I went ahead and got it done anyway - again and again and again!

Normally only wear a couple in each ear lobe and a small hoop in the top of one ear.

Because of how I wear my hair, no one knows that I have a "common" piercing in the top of my ear.

Just need to persuade dh that my much longed for tattoo isn't tacky