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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

dd2 ran away and is refusing to come home what would you do???

19 replies

kentmumtj · 12/05/2009 07:44

Bit of a long story here so i will keep to the main points only.

dd's behaviour has been worrying for the past 2 years and we didnt know why. She disclosed last year that her biological father sexually abused her. Her life has spiralled since then. She is incredibly vulnerbale, needy, insecure and IMO needs to be surrounded by people that genuinely love and care for her.

Her behaviour has deteriorated since.
She truants daily and hangs around with undesirable people who themselves are always in trouble. Plus she was diagnosed with quite severe dyslexia 6 months ago which explains other problems she has had at skool for many years.

She is very easily influenced and will sadly do anything she is asked to do. We have alw\ys been fair and reasonable with her whilst still having consistent boundaries in place.

We discovered indecent images on the interent of her and managed to get them removed. Again this shows her vulnerablity. She seems to latch onto people that have similar or other issues.

Eg an older boyfriend whom we welcomed into our house and spoke to regulary to maintian as good a relationship as possible with him and keeping a close eye on our daughter. He comes from a family known to social services as his mother is an alcoholic and he suffered neglect as a child. He also disclosed to us theat the lodger living in his house sexually abused him for years and he is concerned this is now happeneing to his younger brother.

It has come to light that our dd has been lying to us and sleeping around this lads house, his mother was very blase about the fact my dd is only 15 and seems to be encouraging it. Sexually explicit phots of my daughter were found on her b/f phone by my edest dd whom deleted about 20 of them. The b/f is very controlling and they constantly argue.

We grounded my dd for one week after discovering all of the lies and deciet. She decided she didnt want to be grounded and didnt return home. Police called etc.

Eventually found her 2 days later through the b/f drunkern mother blurting it out at a fun day to my eldest dd who happened to be ther.

To my utter horror my dd had gone to my sister flat.

Everyone must now be thinking thats fine but sadly this is the worst place she could have possibliy gone to.
My sis has been a drug user for 22 years, she has mental health problems, is a very unstable character, goes into depressive states, sufferes terrible paranoia and is an emotional unstable and damaged person. I have no contact with her at all and havent done for quite a while due to the manner in which she conducts her life and the discovery of my eldest dd telling me the awful things she had been telling her which really affected her emotionally. things so bad as well. She has a son who has awful problems and has been receiving counselling and therapy since he was 4/5 he is 9 now. his School suspend him regulary due to his violence etc etc.

My sis frequently texts my dad (she could not text me as i changed my number so i diditkeep geting lots of abuse)right up to my dd going to her house saying she is going to commit suicide and we are all to blame for her problems etc etc.

Sadly she is a person who is extremly mucked up and in need of loads of help which may not make any diference after all this time anyway.

My sis has already started with the mind games/poisoning on my dd and now my dd is refusing to talk to me refusing to come home. My dd is so vulnerbale and has self harmed and threatened to commit suicide in the past, she is emoitionally already a wreck and im so concerned about her being in such a emotionally abusive unstable enviroment mixing with so many undesirable people.

There is sooo much more to this story but thats the nuts and bolts of it.

What on earth can i do????

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 12/05/2009 07:54

Time for the professionals I think- mumsnet can offer a sympathetic ear, but you needs CAMHS or social services on this one, not a bunch of Internet sprites my love! Good luck and sorry for your trouble.

kentmumtj · 12/05/2009 08:01

social services, police, and ive been trying for CANHS for nearly a year but did manage to her to see 2 different counsellors but she would not engage

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kentmumtj · 12/05/2009 08:01

sorry meant to say ss and police are already involved

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AnyFucker · 12/05/2009 08:10

good lord, I don't know where to start

what do SS say? Do they think she is safe at your sister's?

I get the feeling from your post that your options ae rapidly running out and despite your best efforts she is determined to follow this path of self-destruction

I too feel no-one on MN can give you practical advice, it has gone too far for that

do you have other dc? I really think you have to continue asking for help from outside agencies, protect yourself and any other dc and kinda wait it out

some teenagers nearly destroy themselves but many come back eventually

I suspect at the moment she hates the very idea of her family (not blaming you) and pushing the situation is not likely to help, I dunno

custardo may come along with some practical suggestions, this is beyond me

good luck to you x

Tortington · 12/05/2009 16:21

you need to get her home, so phone the police - you know where she is - get her home

i'm sorry to be all working class about it - but can you DH do the alpha male bit and warn the BF

i know my dh would have broken his fucking legs.

my dd would be grounded, no puters, no phones, and only allowed places with me.

i would try and get her some voluntary work soemwhere to help pass the time.

maybe encourage her to stay there with the promise that you will pay her £20 pw - if you can afford it.

in the very final scenario - i would move far far away

sarah293 · 12/05/2009 16:48

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Tortington · 12/05/2009 19:39

actually she is your esponsability until she is 18 she either comes home or you put her into care - she can't do what she likes.

Tortington · 12/05/2009 19:40

and a crb check isn't enough to become the legal guardian of a minor - thats just shit

Ewe · 12/05/2009 19:48

I ran away from home and refused to return on two occasions. On the first, the police found me and escorted me home and on the second my Dad just came to the place I was, picked me up and physically carried me home despite me kicking and screaming.

My parents then also took me down to my Grandparents, in the middle of bloody nowhere, for two weeks to talk and sort things out. We didn't have the complicating factors you do, I was just a nasty hormonal little cow but I couldn't go anywhere as the nearest house was a good 20 miles away so I stayed and eventually we spoke and things gradually started to get better.

I also started to have counselling which helped no end.

I can't believe the police can't do anything. Has she stolen anything from you for example? Could you get her arrested if you can't get them to pick her up and return her home?

Tortington · 12/05/2009 19:54

ut you can have her brought home

sarah293 · 12/05/2009 20:10

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morningsun · 12/05/2009 22:29

kentmum~what a nightmare for you.
When is she 16?
What have the school suggested re truanting?
Do social services say she is allowed to live with your sister?
Surely,there must be a cpn/psychiatrist/police officer who you can talk this through with who will persuade her to return home,tell her she must return home?
You need one competent person to take charge of this situation and try to persuade her to go home.
How often do you see her atm?

Tortington · 13/05/2009 07:10

yes i remember that post riven, in law i have parental responability. if one of my children ran away to someone elses house and they didn't have parental responsability, i would have them charged with kidnap.

the police and social services were wrong in your case riven. they have procedures to appeal

i would have gone to the papers

my local mp

councillor

you can make a 14 yo go home unless the home isn't fit to go home to.

becuase they are 14

so either i have responsability

or i dont

theres no fuzzy bit in the middle where they get to chose

in law

there isn't

and social services and the police

need to uphold the law

i am teribly sorry that in your case things obviously didn't go right

but that doesn't mean - that your case is the way that things are done

either you have responsability as a parent - or you devolve that responsability - in law
to social services.

there isn't a shade of rey where a 14 yo can chose to do what they want.

sorry - there just isn't

sarah293 · 13/05/2009 07:57

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StewieGriffinsMom · 13/05/2009 08:12

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kentmumtj · 13/05/2009 10:43

hi all

thanks for all comments i will try and answer some of them

i do have 3 other dc one older 2 younger. This couldnt have happened at a worst time eldest dd doing a levels this week and my youngest dd doing her SATS
as for my dd we are talking about she is meant to be doing her GCSE's

ok police say she is not in immeidate danger which i can agree with but is at risk of suffering significant harm if what i have told them is true so its SS that need to deal with it.

SS are telling me that the police need to deal with it especially in terms of my dd being involved with the b/f sexually and the explicit photos and the risk at his house.

Yes i have reported what her b/f told me, his family are already know to SS with quite a long history.

Police have told me to go and get her and bring her home ive asked them for support in this and they tell me there is nothing they can do and that i should just go around the house.
I said i am concerned that if i do this my sis will be extremly volatile and abusive and i do not want my dd experiencing this nor her ds police agreed as i could find myself arrested if there was a breach of the peace. When i put it back to them as to what they think i should do they couldnt give me an answer. So i told them i want to know if she is safe right now as i dont know where she is and she may be at the b/f home. They were not happy but had to go and find where she was speak with her again and report back to me. They wanted to know if i was going to do this everyday and i said i couldnt answer that but if i ever felt worried that she may be in an unsafe place then yes i will call them again and again. weve had long conversations and they asked ME what should be done about the b/f. Again i put it back to them and asked whether they felt an offence had been commited they said yes so i asked why they were asking me what they should do, i explained that i wasnt a police officer and cant tell them what to do if an offence has been commited against a 15 year old and she could potentially be at risk.

SS have not visited my dd. Ive had many many conversations with them. They have tried speaking to my sis on the phone and have told me she is being very un co operative and unhelpful and that she is going to make it as difficult as possible to keep her living with her. I am wondering if my sis is thinking she could gain financially but i will not provide and money as she has a home and family here that meets all of her needs and if theres ever any problem we do the best thing by our children.

SS are not able to tell me whether they think she is at risk of significant harm at my sis or not. They wont commit to saying much to me (i remember now why i wouldnt work for the local authority)

Police and SS have told me to get an injunction against my sis and her b/f and this feels completly out of my league.

School are useless. Police went to see my sis and told her she has to send my dd to school I also text my dd eplaning she must go to school and her eldest sis will bring her uniform in. However my sis decided she wasnt going to let her go in.....arghhh!!!....so frustrating
My sis did go to the school with my dd and told them she wouldnt be staying as she had no uniform school rang me and told me this i told them the uniform is in school and asked them whether they felt that was a good enough excuse for her not to be there. Eventually they called my sis and told her she had to come in. However she was not in yday or today.

SS have pointed out that i hold PR and have infomred my sis of this and that she can not make any decisions for her nor should she have kept her at her home without informing her parents........sadly it all seems to be falling on deaf ears.

SS were meant to ring me back yday but they still havent bothered. This i do not feel is good enough. I mean crikey im a Social Worker myself

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tattifer · 13/05/2009 11:19

kentmumj - you need to carry on doing what you have been doing and remember if your daughter comes back just let her - no questions, no cross examinations, no recriminations - just let her come back. Be there for her without judging.

good luck to both you and yours

sarah293 · 13/05/2009 16:39

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kentmumtj · 15/05/2009 07:10

yes tis very sad i know ........ im just giving her space at the moment and waiting to see how things work out.
SS have her down as being extremley vulnerbale to sexual explotation and that i should put firm boundaries around her stuff that being a social worker myself i already know and do but in the end make no difference.

hopefully she wont isolate herself away from the family that loves her but if she does there is little we can do about it.

i do think it is such a difficult area i mean in terms of law parents are responsible for their kids until they are 18, in terms of child protection this would also apply to under 18's yet if police and ss deem them able to make their own decisions from 14/15 why have 18 as the bench mark. it does make me cross

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