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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Anyone else got a teen who doesn't socialise?

41 replies

tomal · 08/05/2009 22:18

Feeling quite sad tonight. DS1 is 18 tomorrow and will only be celebrating with us. He has friends in school, but his social life has completely tailed off over the last year as he has become more and more anxious about going out anywhere with friends.
I've tried to persuade him to have counselling, but he is refusing. He doesn't seem particularly depressed, just a bit sad that his life is so boring.
He is hoping to go to uni in September, and I'm just not sure that he is going to cope.

OP posts:

Jonesville · 08/09/2009 09:59

AnyFucker, This is why I'm so worried.

I'm wondering whether to take her out of school altogether until we can get her a place somewhere else, but she also says she doesn't want her education to suffer. There's only one local school (the nearest to us by postcode)that she wants to go to, and has said that she would rather stay where she is 'on her own' and get a good education than go to a school with lower achievement and more friends. So my fear is that she might not get a place in her school of choice (it's oversubscribed) - I can't persuade her to put more than one option down.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2009 16:21

sorry took so long to reply, have been out for day

just listen to her, put one option and explain the reasons why

I wouldn't take her out until you have a place though (unless she insists), it will make things even worse if she falls behind with work and this may heap more stress on her

oh good luck (and have a little hug-ette, tis horrible for you and her)

Jonesville · 08/09/2009 16:36

Have spoken to the school and they have no spaces so we will have to appeal on refusal. Am going to go for it, and take it from there.

The good thing (at the moment) is that she doesn't want her education to suffer and seems to be doing well in spite of.

The bullying seems to have stopped (for now) but picking up the pieces isn't proving easy.

Thanks for the support - it's a lifeline right now x

AnyFucker · 08/09/2009 16:40

lt us know how she goes

claricebeansmum · 08/09/2009 16:47

Such a relief to read these posts. DS (13) has absolutely no friends and any potential friendships at school seem to bite the dust before they get going. It feels very sad to me but he doesn't seem that bothered. Reading all your posts at least makes me feel he's not alone.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2009 16:48

*let

lily2309 · 10/10/2009 22:15

Hi tomal
reading your post and the others prompted me to write. My son ( now 21) was exactly the same. I always thought he had no friends at school yet whenever I went in with him to parents evening there were always boys coming over to him and chatting. I also was very worried why he found it so hard to socialise. He eventually went to uni and made friends but still was not madly social. I think one of the reasons was that he really did not enjoy drinking and to go out to a pub with mates and be the only one sober is not the most fun time !! He has now finished uni and still stays in a lot of the time, so really I think one has to accept that they are all different and the more we as parents worry then the more anxious they will feel. Just be encouraging and supportive and have faith in his ability to make his own way in life.

veryconfusedandupset · 11/10/2009 19:35

I've got one too - DS 18 and in his first week at uni at the moment. I think he has struggled to make friends since he was about 8, he always has a few but finds socialising difficult. He is another one who doesn't like alcohol ( or coffee) and this maybe puts a bit of a damper on things. He has met a few new people this week - seems to have made two friends, which is not too bad but has found freshers week very difficult - doesn't understand all the staying up late, noise, partying and drinking. I worry about him like mad too

Claritta · 30/10/2009 16:41

I have a similar situation - DS1 is 16 and just started sixth form. I have always worried about his ability to make friends but as long as he had a couple I hoped it would be ok. I hoped when he joined sixth form his social life would improve but its actually got worse and his few friends seem to have moved on from him. Like your son he is bored and wants something more but doesnt get invited to any parties and unfortunately his younger brother has a great social life. I wonder what the best strategy is for this - is it to leave well alone and just make sure they feel loved and secure at home or is it better to guide them with some strategies - i know my DS1 can appear overbearing and does talk over people, not a great listener. I am just a bit concerned that if he knows we are worried then he will get a complex about his lack of popularity. Or is it best to bite the bullet and have a straight conversation with them?

Manxie1971 · 22/08/2014 23:14

My son is 16 years old will not socialize at all he refused to make friends,in school always kept himself to himself he would spend his lunch time just walking round in circles. He did have some friends at school but just refused to hang around with them he would go to town with two friends once a month after school but would only be out for an hour. But not he has left school he won't go outside the house he has been on school holidays for 5 weeks now and the only time he went out was to pick his exam results up. He just seems to be a very lonely kid even if I say let's go out for a drive with the dog he still says no. He won't join clubs or anything he lacks in communication. Does anyone have any ideas as to how to get him out there to meet people.

thebluehen · 23/08/2014 07:14

My 16 yr old ds sits in his room on the PC all day talking to his friends. His friends sometimes come to him, but he never wants to go out, anywhere!

It's like he's frightened of the real world. I suppose it's good, he is socialising in this way, at least.

I'm hoping sixth form will help.

Karsyn · 24/08/2014 02:35

When I was a teenager, I hated socializing. I still hate socializing as an adult. I like one-on-one short interactinos with people I like, in the daytime - like, having a 30 min coffee with someone. I do not like to be out at night. I do not like drinking, dancing, clubbing, any of that. I prefer to be home, and I like my own company.

But! My life isn't boring. At least not to me. I read lots of great books, I make things, I take intersteing classes, I exercise, I folllow my interests, I spend time with my pets. I also never feel lonely.

Some people just aren't people people, and that's OK!!

CuttedUpPear · 24/08/2014 05:38

I haven't read the whole thread-but I will do- but I just wanted to say that my DS also has no social life whatsoever.
He is 17.

bonnie34 · 21/01/2017 00:40

Hello Tomal, your thread has really struck a cord with me as my 18 year old only student DS has just texted from Uni to say his house share for next year has fallen through. He is very shy and says he has not made any friends yet at all, and that he takes years to make friends although, miraculously, he had a group of 4 set up to share a house with. It was my worst fear that the house share would fall apart and I am devastated and unable to sleep, so have come downstairs to seek ideas and consolation from Mumsnet. I am so upset for him. It is a while since your post, but I wondered how your son was now? We have persuaded our DS to try counselling but have not heard yet if he has started, and I worry he will not go after all. Everyone in his corridor seem to go out clubbing all the time, and he seems to be withdrawing more and more. He seems to be dealing with it well by meditating and skyping his old friends ( he has a few good friends from school). But the house falling through has really upset him.

Sueddh5 · 28/07/2017 10:36

Hi don't know what to do, have a 14 yr old daughter, who has a couple of friends at school, but although they text each other constantly outside of school, they don't seem to want to meet up. My daughter has asked but now is reluctant because she's been knocked back so many times. (last year they were constantly together) the other two go out together.
She has no idea if she's done something wrong, as the rest of the time they're talking on their phones. I would like to see her out and about, but don't feel i can interfere!

datkins · 28/07/2017 12:34

i'm 17 in the same situation and i be honest a lot of us do want to go out and have a good time with friends but after countless days of hanging around the town centre with you're mates and kicking bottles about it kinda loses it's appeal after you leave secondary school but that is growing up i guess & everybody is gearing to leave for uni so i don't think it is unusual at this age hence why i'm loitering about on mother forums :p

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