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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DH really upset DD

20 replies

gill89 · 25/04/2009 23:23

DD and I went shopping today and we bought hera lovely dress for a family-do.
She was really pleased with it.

Got home and put it on for DH who looked but said nothing then looked again and said "Your bum looks big in that"

DD's face fell. She kept looking at her bum, he was laughing and i was telling her not to listen; he was jsut joking.

Sh ewent up to get changed, I shouted her back down and she was sobbing!

Big cuddle from me and light-hearted apology from dh.

She has now gone off the dress.

Should we start all over with a new outfit or rebuild her confidence to like this one agin???

MEN!!!

OP posts:

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 25/04/2009 23:27

What a stupid arse your DH is.
He needs to give her a heartfelt apology not a lighthearted one.
I would try to rebuild her confidence in the original outfit, if you suggest changing it you might confirm her suspicions that your DH was right.

kitkatqueen · 25/04/2009 23:30

Agree with Ladyglencorapalliser.

On all 3 counts!!!!!

Today must be the day of the stupid man judging by other posts!!!!!

Your dp needs to be the one top rectify this one tho i think. He popped the baloon, he needs to fix it...

Original poster

gill89 · 25/04/2009 23:30

he ahs aplogised again; but not sure how effetively.

you're right about otfit.

perhps i could ask SIL to praise outfit up at the family-do

OP posts:

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 25/04/2009 23:31

What an absolutely shitty thing for him to do. Is he in the habit of bullying his own DD? Is he having issues with the fact that she's growing up?
I think you need to give him a serious bollocking for what he said, it;s the sort of thing that can do genuine long-term damage to a girl. The most benign explanation I can think of is that he is a clueless, socially-inept twat who regularly says insulting things because he doesn't engage his brain before opening his mouth, and that's behaviour he needs to work on stopping, even if his friends and family are used to it. But it seems far more likely to me that he's got a bullying streak; many, many bullies say really vicious critical things in a happy tone of voice and claim to be joking.

rasputin · 25/04/2009 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cadelaide · 25/04/2009 23:33

Apparently Dawn French's Dad told her she was beautiful every single day, and how confident is she?

Worth thinking about.

Original poster

gill89 · 25/04/2009 23:34

he isn't a bully

he didn't even look at her bum. i think he thought it was a witty comment to make and expected her to laugh.

BUT he may ahve an issue with her growing up!

OP posts:

dustbuster · 25/04/2009 23:37

In order to make your poor old DD feel better, could you start a big tease of your DH? E.g. if he has a bit of a beer belly, you could say 'Oh darling, your tum looks big in that' everytime he walks into the room, and wink at your DD?

Good points from rasputin and Cadelaide. There is an awful bit in that French Women Don't Get Fat book where she gets off the boat after a year away in America (it was the 1960s) and the first thing her dad says to her is "You look like a sack of potatoes'. How horrible.

mollymawk · 25/04/2009 23:38

I think the key thing is for him not just to apologise but to make absloutely clear that it was a joke and he did not mean it at all, does not really think it etc.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 25/04/2009 23:40

Ok well even if he thought it was a witty comment, he owes her a major apology.

TheCrackFox · 25/04/2009 23:41

Has he always had an amazing sense of humour?

He is going to have to grovel, big style, with your DD.

Ponders · 25/04/2009 23:46

Does she know about Arabella Weir in the Fast Show?

Yes he was utterly tactless but he won't have realised how much it would upset her, poor lass. (And the point of the AW thing is that it didn't look big!)

Can't find a link on youtube but there must be one out there. Make him find one, so she gets the joke, & then make him grovel so she knows he didn't mean it.

Men

KingCanuteIAm · 25/04/2009 23:49

I agree with mollymawk, he needs to make it clear it was a joke and an ill-thought out one at that and appologise. He then needs to leave it (IMO) as there is a danger of making a (fairly) small thing into a big thing. Once he has appolgised he needs to concentrate on building her up, just those little things that mean so much from a dad "I like your hair like that" "You handled that really well" "I am really impressed with your effort at school/club/anything else he can think of" If he goes over the top he could make things worse, I agree that something small every day is the way to build up confidence - as per the Dawn French example.

If you ask her aunt to big up the dress she needs to be clever about it, teenagers are good at smelling rats and she will not be impressed by (apparent) false compliments.

It was a stupid thing to say but I still remember every small stupid thing my dad said to me. I know, now, that he was just attempting to be light hearted and "connect" with me, I could have lived with that as a child if he had also told me he loved me and that he was proud of me, but he didn't meaning the only thing I had was the silly negatives. Your dh needs to replace the silly negative with heartfelt positives IYSWIM.

Original poster

gill89 · 26/04/2009 08:30

thanks for all of this.

I think the 'comment' doesn't need mentioning agin, as KingC said.

He needs to work on the positives now.

and i have decided not to mention it to SIL; just in case dd is suspicious.

thanks again

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 26/04/2009 08:35

Kick him in the bollocks from me!

I'm 44 and a comment like that would test my equanimity. As a teenager I'd have been devestated.

suwoo · 26/04/2009 08:47

That has really upset me actually, your poor DD. If my DH said something like that to our DD I'd kick him in the bollocks.

Its off the cuff comments like that, that play havoc with young girls self esteem. IMO you both have some work to do to to build her back up again.

Original poster

gill89 · 26/04/2009 21:06

things have got better and worse!

yesteday DH couldn't really recognise the severity of his big gob.

today i have made him see the gravity of it all.

so now i have 2 sad people intaed of 1.

dd ahs cheered up somewhat tho'.

OP posts:

suwoo · 26/04/2009 21:44

Well thats good news. I think taking the piss out of him for a while will do DD good, but maybe make a 'no sarcasm' rule for the long term.

ajandjjmum · 27/04/2009 09:48

gill
My dh would be likely to make the same comment - dd adores him and can be 'one of the lads', and he would just think he was extending the joke.
My dh is absolutely not a bully, nor stupid, just not perfect!!!
Dd does have a lovely shaped bum - and as I say to her, it's done J-lo no harm!

KingCanuteIAm · 27/04/2009 11:06

Well it will do your dh no harm to feel a bit bad - it will, hopefully, knock it into him so he thinks before he speaks next time! I have heard it said that talking to teenage girls is a bit like trying to steal steaks from lions, you are never quite sure what will cause offence and what will be taken in good humour - especially for Dads!

I am glad dd is feeling happier. As I said before, she does need to know he was wrong, but she also needs to know he was just joking so that she does not get to hung up on it! Otherwise you may end up with a teenager who over-reacts to any jokey comment, no matter how clear a joke it is (I know - I did that too, I actually still blush at the memory of some of the jokes I stropped over!

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