boyfriend here for 1st time

[tallulah]

My parents were very strict, especially over anything sexual. There were 2 rules in our house- I was never allowed to be alone in the house (any house) with a boy, and No Boys in Bedrooms- ever. (Even DH 2 weeks before the wedding!)

The situation has never arisen with DD because she has never brought anyone home- until today. She's 17 & spends most weekends at his house. I haven't asked what the sleeping arrangements are there because I don't want to know. (He's also 17 & lives with mum & brothers).

He's here today for the first time & they are both in her room watching TV- with the door shut. DH has gone to work, having checked with them that actually boyf is staying over. I am concerned, but in 2 minds. DH laughed & called me by my mum's name, reminding me that I "wasn't" going to be like her... BUT, the bit of me that is my parents daughter is not at all happy with the situation & less happy with what is coming later.... Presumably I'm going to have to go up there & "suggest" we sort the beds out... We have a selection of spare beds, one of which is in DS1's room (but the mattress is in DDs room), so it should be easy enough, but I DON'T LIKE THIS!!!

To make matters worse, I like to be in bed & hopefully asleep, before 10.30 pm. DD doesn't usually go to bed until after midnight, AND her room is next to mine & the dividing wall is made of paper (or might as well be). Even her turning her light off wakes me up because it's right by my ear. I suppose this could actually be a good thing?

Any ideas please anyone?

If you try to put them in separate beds they'll just sneak in together, later.

Sorry to be blunt: I presume she's on birth control?! I'd get the "Do you need anything for bed?" conversation over with, if it was me.

You poor love! I dread this happening. Do you know/suspect if they are sleeping together. Is your daughter on the pill? What about a compromise? Rather than messing about with matresses if you think that they are going to be running around the house at 3 in the morning, go in and offer a sleeping bag so that b/f can sleep on the floor in her room? This way they can choose and if the walls are so thin they probably won't get up to anything other than lots of cuddles.
My Mum was totally against it as well and is still quite convinced that I was a virgin when I married!!

OK these are just my thoughts because you asked ... but this is not my advice or any criticism. Do you know if they are having a sexual relationship ? If so, do you know what contraception, if any, they are using ? I think that's the most important thing - presumably you wouldn't wish for her to be pregnant at 17, or to contract an STD which could make her infertile later in life. (my friend works in an std clinic and sees teenagers all the time and their ignorance and carelessness over their bodies and health is terrifying) Why don't you want to know whether or not they share a bed at his house ? If you don't want them to share a bed at your house, then tell them straight. It's your house, and your dd's wellbeing (physical, emotional, etc) is your responsibility too. Are you worried she will be p---ed off with you ? Maybe so, but she'll know that you care. It's a difficult situation for you, I think especially without dh there to support your decision. Good luck.

Ashamed to say I've no idea. She rarely talks to me & is not here more often than here. DH normally deals with this sort of thing.

On the one hand I'm terrified of turning out like my mother (who accused me of sleeping around when I was- a very naive- 14 years old). On the other hand, now I can see where she was coming from (apart from the aforementioned incident). I'm a bit stuck & completely unprepared.

I suppose it's just the embarrassment factor on both our parts. Would have been easier if I'd spoken to her beforehand but I hadn't realised he was staying... Now I sound pathetic! Yes it's my house & should be my rules.. what ARE my rules?! Would help if me & DH were a united front of course, but as usual we aren't. He's never here when I need him either.

A difficult situation Tallulah. On my 17th birthday my bf came back to mine after celebrating my birthday. My mum got out of bed, stood at the top of the stairs, and asked bf in front of me, if he wanted the spare room or to sleep with me! He was so embarrassed he looked like a beetroot, but he spent the night with me, and after that that was where he always stayed. I was on the pill though, and my mum was aware of that. It was totally out of character for her in a way, because of her upbringing, but in hindsight I think very sensible of her, as she knew we were having a sexual relationship.

Absolutely no help to you I know, but your question reminded me of that time. I am dreading when my oldest gets to that age (she's 11) so I am going to listen in and pick up some tips!

tallulah - how did it go ?

Hope it all went without any embarrassing or awkward moments.

You could now sit your DD down for a chat, say something along the lines of "OK, X has stayed the night here now, let's work out a few ground rules..." and have a think of that you'd really like. You could then move on to the "I don't want to pry into your private life but if you are sleeping together, are you taking proper precautions" chat - the really awkward one! Can you get some leaflets about STDs and contraception to give her if you don't feel up to talking about it through embarrassment?

I don't think I'm going to be up to doing this with my DSs when they are old enough but I'm hoping that will be DHs job since they're boys.

Tallulah - I never talked to my Mum about anything like this, but when I got engaged at 16 (ah, first love..... sigh) she approached me about birth control! I WAS MORTIFIED.....BUT... so glad I could then talk to my Mum about it. She made an appointment at the Doctors and I went on the Pill. After that it was very easy to be open and honest about everything.

My Dad wasn't so understanding though!! But I moved in with my boyfriend when I was 18 and the flat only had a double bed in it. He didn't comment coz I think by then he realised it was none of his business.

She is 17 years old and the odds are they are probably sexually active, but if you don't want it 'going on' under your roof then tell her. I know that if my Mum had asked I would've respected her wishes even through my hellish rebellion years!!

Talk to her..... it will probably do you both good.

Ticky one!
I wasn't allowed to share a room with my bf when that age. However, we just used to have sex downstairs and then I'd go up to bed! This meant it was impossible to talk to my parents as I was breaking their rules.

With our boys (11,9,9)DH and I have already talked to them about sex and it is a very open subject. Eldest(nearly 12)came in from playing out the other day and told us about a girl who wanted to kiss him. He said he had wanted to kiss her, but not with tongues!! I believe he is so open because we have been. We talked to him about how he felt and how to handle the girl. We took him seriously and saved our giggles 'till he had gone to bed!
Tallulah, I really think you should try to talk to your daughter. She may be feeling pressured to have sex or may not even be having sex!! I know that I would have loved to have been able to talk to my mum at that vunerable time without feeling I was being judged or letting her down in some way.
Good luck and let us know how you got on.

Not a nice situation to be in! It's horrible because you have to face that your daughter is a sexual being - something that is never going to be that easy. I suppose you decided some plan of action or other - hope it turned out OK.

My dd is only 18 months (long time to go!) but I hope that I will be as understanding as my mum was. I was allowed to have serious boyfriends to stay the night / weekend and she took me to the docs to get the pill when I told her I wanted to sleep with the first proper boyfriend. However, I sometimes wish she had cautioned me a bit when we had that first conversation. It may be too late for your daughter, as you suspect she might already be having sex, but I felt that I was a bit too young / immature when I lost my virginity. I suspect that if my mother had told me this and forbidden it, I would have gone ahead and done it anyway in the contrary nature of teenagers (she probably knew this) but all the same... Mothers can never get it right, can we?

I asked her where he was sleeping- she said "on the floor in my room?" I said, no, think again, & he stayed in the lounge & she went to her room. Straw poll at work today & everyone else said the same. Phew.

We all also agreed- at work- that we'd all actually rather not know... It's a tricky situation all round. Heyho, having met this boy I don't think he'd be the one doing the pressuring! He knows his place!

I need to talk to DH first, now he's actually here. Thanks for all your help. I just felt completely at sea the other night with the suddenness of it.

Unfortunately I DID do all the talking to the children about anything & everything when they were tiny, answered all their questions how you're supposed to, discussed periods when DD was about 10.. wanted to be an approachable mother like mine isn't. BUT, even after all that, DD started her periods at 13, told no-one & was "improvising" towels out of toilet roll & sellotape! I'd got stocks ready for her, which I'd told her about. My mum tackled her about it when we found out & she said she was "too embarrassed" to speak to me, or to any of her friends. Weird? Hence long history of not talking.

beetroot- me & DH having sex??? Don't remember that..

tallulah--

I stumbled on this thread by accident and, though it has no immediate relevance to me, I felt moved and sad that you'd tried so hard to be an approachable mum, yet didn't get a dd who wanted to approach you. I had just the kind of mum you did (dad was the same type too); in fact, I was forbidden to live/travel with dh before we were married, even though I was in my later 20's. I've promised myself to be more liberal and approachable with dd than my parents were with me. But I'll be less idealistic now that I've heard your cautionary tale.

By the way I think you handled it brilliantly--quickly, simply and with the witty retort 'think again!' Bravo.

just a suggestion dd is over 16, if shes mature enough to let you talk to her about her methods of cantaception surely shes mature enough to have bf stay over without being watched?