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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

what would you do/feel

10 replies

DuffyMoon · 15/04/2009 09:16

posted this on chat yesterday - just wondered if there was any more advice/opinions

I posted a bit about this yesterday....

DD13 came home with "bruise" on her neck, she does not know how she got it hmm I have talked to her about it but she has denied all knowledge and doesnt want to talk about it. She made no attempt to hide it......She has friends who are boys but, she says, nothing more than this

Would you try and get her to tell you whats really going on or accept that this is a "bruise" and forget about it??

On another different but connected note - how DO you let go of your children and let them make there own way. I hate all this - I want them to be little again and to look to me for everything - sounds pathetic doesnt it. My stomach has been churning all day, if this is only the beginning - how will I cope? how did you (especially if you are the control freak type blush )

OP posts:

LotsofLovelyShoes · 15/04/2009 09:20

my Dd is 13 and I can feel her growing up and becoming a bit more distant.
I try and keep the channels of communication open and accept that she will have things she doesn't want to tell me. Although I try and make it comfortable for her to come to me if she does have a problem.

I can see DH and other siblings tease her a bit about boys (althoug don't think she has a boyfriend) and spots etc and that turns her against us all. So I try and make common ground between us and get interested in her clothes and make up and talk to her along those lines, take her seriously I suppose.

I am feeling my way a bit too with this one so will watch this with interest.

LotsofLovelyShoes · 15/04/2009 09:22

BTW I can be a bit of a control freak and wade in with two left feet but I am learning from daughter to bite my tongue and see what happens at times before making judgements and comments (got in to trouble making comments about her friends before who are loved one day and hated the next)!!!

DD is quite private and not one for talking about everything just like her dad so try and respect it I suppose.....

LotsofLovelyShoes · 15/04/2009 09:23

suppose just accept the bruise but you probably 'know' what it is!

Original poster

DuffyMoon · 15/04/2009 09:28

thanks for that - control freaks of the world unite I dont know whether to leave it now..... - I have let her know I have seen it and if it is more than a "bruise" I am not impressed.....am so tempted to keep questioning her though - but to what end? I keep thinking either:- if it was what I think it is then surely she would have made more of an attempt to hide it ....OR .....does she think so little of me she doesnt feel the need to hide it and doesnt care what I think

OP posts:

LotsofLovelyShoes · 15/04/2009 09:40

mmmm

just thinking that if you go in heavy on this one what would happen if she went further??

I would leave it at 'unimpressed mum' and move on. You both need to be able to talk to each other.

As I say I am new to this too so hope some more experienced advice comes along. However have heard others talk about keeping a balance between good mum and bad mum...

noddyholder · 15/04/2009 09:45

Agree unimpressed is the way to go.My ds is 14 and I miss the time we had before but also enjoy the freedom I have now and seeing him grow up.He is a PITA a lot but also lovely.He went to barcelona last week and we had a whale of a time without him I expected him to be sulky on his return but he was so happy to see us and really missed us.Keep the chat going even when she grunts and eye rolls at everything you say because it does sink in!

notsoclever · 15/04/2009 13:59

The first time this happened with my dd (I think when she was 14) I let her know I was not impressed, but didn't talk to her directly about it. iirc, we were out for a walk, and I gave her a choice of completing the longer walk with my dp, or returning to get the car with me, and discussing the marks on her neck. Guess which option she chose! She had tried to cover the marks with a scarf but it had blown off during the walk.

The second time I was much more direct. I asked directly how she had got them, I told her that her Dad thought it looked cheap, and that I didn't want to see them again. She agreed they looked cheap, so we then had a bit of a chat about saying "No!" and meaning it, if she didn't want a boy to do something.

It does feel like a tightrope act - trying to allow her to grow up, while still wanting to protect her, wanting to give her strict guidelines, yet wanting to trust her - and remembering what I was like at her age .

LotsofLovelyShoes · 15/04/2009 18:23

so Duffy Moon, how have you got on today??

morningsun · 16/04/2009 22:53

Common sense prevailing its unlikely to be a bruise~i hope not anyway
It seems young people really go in for love bites now when in our day they were to be avoided lol

mumonthenet · 16/04/2009 23:45

duffy, the advice here is good, let her know you are not impressed and then use it to remind her that she can say no, and she doesn't have to do everything all the others are doing. And then leave it. She won't there and then open up and tell you everything but she will be left with the idea that you don't approve but also, that you are on her side. She'll also know that you're not that shockable even though you might not approve.

Offer to take her and a few mates to the cinema/pizza place...then you'll have an opening to find out more about the friends/boys. Invite them over to your place?

It is frightening this stage but you can gently make comments to show her that you know and respect her growing up. Be prepared to let her have a little freedom...with limits/time to be home etc.

Praise her when she comes home on time, respects the limits and you will find that she will repeat this behaviour and you will be more relaxed.

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