Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

Original poster

Help me to cope..... please

24 replies

DuffyMoon · 13/04/2009 19:38

Dd13.... Very secretive, moody, wont tell me anything. I try to chat to her - but of course the more mono-syllabic she is the more i end up questioning her and then i am told to leave her alone and no-one elses mother is like this I understand this is natural but there is stuff I feel i need to know eg boyfriends.. I noticed on her neck a mark that she swears is a bruise
i am trying to take comfort that if it was what it looks like she would have attempted to cover it up - she wears scarfs a lot so would have been quite easy. She has boys who are friends - do i treat them differently to her girlfriends ? No going upstairs etc.

She seems so prickly and offhand and pissed off - am i being naive to expect anything dfferent? I want to be able to reach a compromise - her to be more open so i can trust her and the knock on of that is the more i can trust her the more freedom i can give her..... I mentioned this to her and the reply was a roll of eyes and 'whatever' i dont want it to be like this and would like to know how to cope with it.... I suffer anxiety and this is affecting me and i dont want it to. I am terrible at opening up so know where she gets it from but cant bear it for her.... How do i learn to let go and not go mad in the meantime

OP posts:

MaureenMLove · 13/04/2009 19:45

Aw, big to you, first of all. Having a 13 year old dd is a minefield, isn't it? I have one myself.

You need to catch her, in one of her rare good moods and just have a chat. I find, the best conversations I have with DD are in the car! Mainly because there is no escape , but also because the trip in the car is usually for her, like clothes shopping or something!

We usually start off with something quite simple and it just snowballs from there and I end up getting all the juicey gossip from school and friends etc.

BCNS · 13/04/2009 20:03

we tend to do all our talking when i'm cooking dinner.. like MML say it starts simple and snowballs and the gossip is great

ds1 had a mark on his neck not long ago.. I made a point of him catchoing me looking.. he said it was a bruise.. I laughed at him and said cold teaspoons and toothpaste don't work.. if you ever need to know.. and btw they get called slag tags ed at him.

as for opposite sex friends.. they are more than welcome anywhere in the house.. I tend to do laundry on these days " just popping in for washing!"

it's hard but it is all part of letting go a bit so they can learn to be adults

Original poster

DuffyMoon · 13/04/2009 20:18

thanks for the replies - the 'whatever' conversation above took place in the car..... I must admit i do use the car a lot for ' those' chats.... What can you do if they wont talk or tell you to leave them alone ....

I am worried i am scared of letting go - i want to run everything for her, tell her what to do so i can protect her i suppose. As well i have no confidence in my parenting ability so live in constant fear that my crapness will mean she will turn into a heroin addict and it will all be my fault

OP posts:

MaureenMLove · 13/04/2009 20:26

I think you just have to make it clear to them, that you are there, if they really need you. There's really not any more that you can do.

You do need to start letting go a bit though. If she thinks you are holding her back or objecting to everything she does, she will rebel, which may make the situation even worse.

Are you happy with her choice of friends? You can't stop her seeing them of course, but if you are confident that her friends are nice girls/boys, then you are half way there.

mumonthenet · 13/04/2009 20:35

Not sure if this will help but worth a try (though still may not get her to open up on everything) is to talk to her about something that interests her.

i.e. it may be the most boring, dreary, subject - some music, a hobby, a fashion, a website.....literally ANYTHING. But pretend to be interested...ask her about it....etc.

It's not a cure-all but at least it keeps some communication going. Then maybe you will get some gossip which will help you read between the lines

BCNS · 13/04/2009 20:45

totally totally agree with whats been said here.

It's really scary letting go.. and that's okay you've protected them for so long now.

as MML says just make sure she knows your there when needed... and they do need you still quite a lot.

Original poster

DuffyMoon · 13/04/2009 20:58

How do i let go??? And how do i learn to live with the fear it will all go tits up if i do

Thank you for the replies

OP posts:

MaureenMLove · 13/04/2009 21:07

I think you just have to trust. Remember, I'm no further foward in the teenager stakes than you, so I'm living it with you.

Have you always had a relationship where you don't talk? Do you have issues with your past, that are stopping you from trusting/letting go?

SuziSeis · 13/04/2009 21:13

poor you duffy i feel for you and have had an awful time with my dd now 14 and lovely! there is hope!

My advise to you would be 'bite the bullet'

have the courage to BRAVE the yucky cringy conversations that you dread - she will loathe it too but it just might pen things up a bit

i do a bit of putting myself down ' at your age i was....' etc to encourage them to not feel intimidated or got at

i decided to regain control when it started slipping - I was feeling dd was in control of me and that was wrong

YOU are the parent

your house

your rules

I think respect is of paramount importance at these times with teens - show her you are still boss - albeit kindly

she will think you are too embarrassed to ask her stuff - dont let her be right

SuziSeis · 13/04/2009 21:14

advice

Shandyleer · 13/04/2009 21:15

Oh Duffy, teenage children are so tricky aren't they? My now 14yr old daughter had a phase like the one your daughter is going through about a year ago. I tried talking to her in every way imaginable but just got similar responses as you. In the end, I sat down and wrote her a really long letter, telling her how much I loved her, but part of my job as a loving parent, was too look out for her and her interests, guide her in what I thought was the right way, try to take an active interest in her life without being nosy. She didn't respond immediately - the letter disappeared into the depths of her room for a couple of weeks. Then, one day she asked me if I would take her shopping - and we started talking about the letter, and it went on from there really. I know she still has the letter and I like to think she re-reads it from time to time.

Its a bit easier for me with her I think because she has an older brother who has broken through some of the barriers for her, but whenever I find myself being over-protective, or not letting go I think of my own brother. He's in his 30's, still living at home with, and off, my Mum, never had a proper job or girlfriend or life really. And that's all down to the way my Mum, gran and aunty smothered him I think. None of us want that for our children - we want them to have happy fulfilled lives, but we can only do that by backing off. It won't go all wrong if she knows that she has a mother who loves, cares for and is there for her - you will be playing a vital role in shaping a well rounded and responsible individual.

I expect I sound like a real know-it-all, sorry if I do. I'm just muddling through too really, its just I have this strong belief that we have to let them go or they'll end up like my brother. Since my eldest is only 15 and a half, I don't know if I'm playing it right or wrong yet, only time will tell. Just make sure she knows you love her and keep the communication channels open and good luck.

BCNS · 13/04/2009 21:15

teens along with loved ones are like holding sand. The tighter you grip the more you'll loose.. if you cup gently you'll hold a lot more

part of our job as parents is to prepare our babies to be free and good members of society and to live their lives as they see fit.. and to just be there for them.

but it is horrid. I am also there with you.. ds1 pushes for more responsability.. I give a bit.. he asks for more.. i give a little bit more.. at the end of the day.. I hope that I have shown him right from wrong, and that i'm there if he makes mistakes.

tbh it's a slim chance that it will all go awfully tits up. you have to trust them and you have to trust youself, (and sometimes pat youself on the back on a good job jobbed)

SuziSeis · 13/04/2009 21:18

god teens are hard aren't they?

but lovely too!

BCNS · 13/04/2009 21:22

@suzi.. they are fab.. and interesting and amaizing, watching them grow into the adults they'll become. I mean.. wow our babies are getting all grown up.
and what they don't know.. as they are bumbling along trying to get things right and not knowing what the hell they are doing... so are we

( remind me of this when next I rant about DS )

SuziSeis · 13/04/2009 21:23

when things are good i love having teens

ds (16) is just fab - bloody annoying but great

fruitshootsnweaveseasterbasket · 13/04/2009 21:24

I find out alot about what is going on with my DC's from their messages on facebook and MSN!

SuziSeis · 13/04/2009 21:24

dd (14) fabb (ish)

ds (12) will be fab i am sure

BCNS · 13/04/2009 21:27

ds(14) fab 90% of the time.. awful 10%

ds2 and dd aren't yet teens

MaureenMLove · 13/04/2009 21:33

I refuse to be friends with DD on Facebook (and tbh I'd rather she wasn't on it, but that's a letting go thing!)

She and I have some of the same friends though, so I send her parental messages through them!

SuziSeis · 13/04/2009 21:37

my eldest is 16.5 and it is a breath of fresh air

emerging from a fog into the light!

MaureenMLove · 13/04/2009 21:45

SuziSeis · 13/04/2009 22:09

you will get there Maureen!

hazlac · 20/04/2009 19:15

i have 2 16yr old ss's and 1 16 yr old dd,and a 12 yr sd, my dd is monosylabic most of the time, out most evenings and weekends, and spends as little time with us all as possible!How ever we do go to the movies together and go out for coffee and cake's i try to keep all conversation light hearted and she knows she can come to me about anything and on the odd accassion when things are going on with her she does keep me in the loop. My 2 ss sit with us in the evenings, are happy to chat to us about their day and very rarely want to stay away! I think for girls they want their independance sooner rather than later,my sd is already champing at the bit to be doing the same as her older s/sister, the boys still want to be mothered (does that ever stop?).keeping channels open at all times, try not to acuse or question, these are the best bits of advise I was given, and it seems to work.Best of luck

curlygirl4 · 24/04/2009 13:35

it's so scary hen we have are children we can't wait to teach them all about everything and spend hours talking with them and then all of a sudden we don't seem to be able to talk without a fight.
My stepdaughter and l are closer now that she is 19 and has started to realize that the whole world wasn't against her,she moved out just over a year ago.
We have 4 girls ranging from 19, 18, 13 and 10 years, and a son of 19.

Flip