10 year old and his brother (6)

[trulymadlydeeply]

I have a DS (10), a DD (8) and a second DS (6). My eldest DS is vile to his younger brother, and I'm now at my wit's end.

I know it's "normal" for siblings to disagree and to fight and to generally not get on, having been one of 3 DDs myself. But to me DS1s behaviour is tantamount to bullying; and I can't stand the constant crying and whinging of DS2; nor the fact that he's always the one who's picked on and left isolated when they play as a 3. If DS1 was being continually picked on and assaulted by a 15 year old, I'd wade in and defend him. But he can't seem to make the connection.

I know he winds up DS1, so it's not all one sided, but it seems to be to be a bit of a Lord of the Flies situation, and I have no idea how to mediate it.

If I continually tell off DS1, which is what I seem to end up doing most often, he picks on DS2 more because he's a Mummy's Boy and feels that I'm not being fair always taking DS2's side.

Has anyone successfully negotiated this horrible state of affairs? I feel as if I'm going round in circles and although DS1 can be absolutely delightful when he's by himself, there are aspects of his behaviour that I just cannot condone, nor like.

HELP .....

I only have to two kids but for a long while we thought our DD (eldest) was the one making her little brother's life hell until we caught him provoking her to within an inch of her life then quietly telling her "I'm gonna tell mum now!". Are you absolutely sure it's all DS1 and that DS2 isn't playing the situation to his advantage?

I'm quite conscious of that, but the twice I've quietly watched, DS1 has deliberately provoked and then followed up the intial provocation with a smack.

Having said that, DS2 admitted yesterday that he'd blamed DS1 for something just to get him into trouble, so I know that each is as bad as the other.

But what do you do when one hits and smacks and kicks another - even if provoked? I am trying to teach them all that physical violence is not the right reaction - and I feel like throwing them all into the garden and shutting the door until they've negotiated a way forward at times; but feel the 6 year old is a bit too young to be put in that position!!

Very troubled by it all. There are mitigating circumstances - it's been a stressful year where our business has failed and the family has been split up in order for DH and I to earn money (alternately being at home with the kids). We have now both found jobs, so are moving to UAE over the summer, so that's a further upheaval. So I'm sure these are huge contributory factors.

But I just wish they could negotiate some kind of reasonably peaceful relationship. It's not on to treat someone like that just because you don't particularly like them.

Hi. I have the same gaps and genders as you although mine are now 16,14,12. I think the 4 year gap between 2 boys is difficult particularly if they are chalk and cheese as ours are. I think if this has started/worsened this year then you have hit the nail on the head with your difficult circumstances comment. However, of course you can't let DS1 'get away' with his behaviour. I'm sure you have done this already and I really don't think there is an easy answer but you need to talk to DS1 on his own when all is calm, take him out for a hot choc or something and ask him to tell you what is going on. Acknowledge that it has been difficult recently and ask how he feels about 'stuff'. You may find you have an anxious and unhappy chap on your hands who is expressing it via his bro!! We have had to talk to our eldest constantly about getting on with siblings and not necessarily having a sibling that they understand. We also have had to do the disappointed thing and the 'you upset me because you're both my darling children' thing too. Maybe acknowledge to him that he doesn't have to like his bro at the moment but he is not entitled to hit/goad him. Having said all that it will get better as they get older. Mine have found ways now of getting on together.
Not sure if this will help, but good luck.You sound like an amazing couple who have come through a very difficult time.

!