Help!!

[J4Y]

Hi, we have two young boys 9 and 6 years old and have just taken in our 13 (soon to be 14) year old nephew. As you can imagine our lives have changed dramatically. He has, in the past, been given infinite freedom and allowed to go to bed whenever he feels like, which, as well as other factors, has not done hime any favours i.e. in trouble a lot at school, brushes with the law etc. He is now my responsibilty and would be grateful for a little advice.

Firstly, bedtime, we have always had fairly strict bedtimes for the kids (only schooldays) we put the 6 year old to bed at 7:30 and the 9 year old to bed at 8:00. Since living with us my nephew has been going to bed at about 9:00, at our request, and reading for a while. We think this is an acceptable time as I get up very early and myself and my wife want some alone time before we go to bed.
I am worried this may be too early and he may resent us for sending him to bed early, especially after being able to go whenever he felt. What is the average time for a 13 year old to go to bed?

Secondly, although my nephew travels on the bus and tram to get to school everyday, I am not sure if he is mature enough to be allowed the freedom to travel wherever he feels in his free time. I don't want him being one of those kids who just hang around the arndale/mall intimidating everybody!

It feels like our lives have been fast forwarded 4 years, but it's worth it to see him happy and his school work and behaviour improve as well as it has!

Thanks for any advice, Jay.

I went to bed at 9 at that age

I agree with you regarding the travel issue - travelling independantly to school is different to wandering about town with a gaggle at the weekend/evening

My kids went to bed at about 9pm as 13/14 year olds I think it's an acceptable time for a school night. theyw ere allowed a bit more grace at weekends and during holidays.

Mine were allowed to venture into the nearest town on teh bus but only tended to go if they were going to the cinema/shoping with mates/bowling.

Far from resenting you he might actually quite enjoy having some boundaries set for him, I know my two liked boundaries (they are now 17 and 19 and we've had chats about the same subject recently, they say it made them feel like someone cared enough about them to say 'no')

Hi, our 14 yr old goes up to his room at 9 but is allowed to watch tv or read till 10pm. At weekends, everything shifts back an hour. I think what you're doing with your nephew is perfectly reasonable.

Re. the going out alone at weekends, almost 14 is about right ime, if he's reasonably mature by that stage in terms of keeping his phone switched on, coming back at an agreed time etc.

I think if he is accepting going to bed at 9 without a fuss then stick with it! If he has come from a background with no boundaries, as someone else has said, he may be relishing being told what to do for a while and secretly quite liking it.

My 13yr old goes to bed about 10 but he is our third and we have got used to having no time without teens around, but certainly with our eldest we were a lot stricter.

They do start going out on their own around 14ish, but we always monitored where they were, with mobile phones, picking them up etc until they got to over 16 really. Tried not to give them the option of just 'hanging around' but it is quite difficult to keep that up when faced with peer pressure.

Sounds like you are doing a pretty good job so far. Good luck!

Like you, I have two younger kids and a 13 (soon to be 14 year old) DS, who goes up to bed at 9-ish but reads until 9.30/9.45. (I think this is actually earlier then most of his mates.)

(On Wednesdays he stays up and watches The Apprentice with us!)

I think as kids become teens you just have to accept they will be around more in the evening - the upside of course is they are more independent in the day.

At the weekends he sometimes goes into the city on the bus and meets up with his friends. He always takes his phone. I think they do 'hang around' (possibly wearing hoodies!) -but that's what teens do a lot of the time- mooch!

We try and strike a balance between organised activities (he has a couple of regular sports he plays) and the slouchy downtime teenagers seem to need.

He goes to a couple of youth clubs in the evenings which ensure a good mix of mates and supervision.

Despite the fact that we know he and his friends are a nice bunch, a group of teens together are always going to raise some suspicious eyebrows.

He always tells us his plans, so I cut him a bit of slack and give him his independence - and (so far!) it hasn't come back to bite us.

If he is happy to go to bed at 9 then that is fine. I have 3 girls now aged 21,19 and 17. At 14 they were going to bed at around 9.30 0n school nights. They were starting to do more with their friends. Things like going into town shopping or going to the cinema. We had rules that they had to tell us where they were going and who they were going with, We also set a time for them to be home by. This varied according to what they were doing.

Bed Time - for a 13 year old, up to bedroom at 9pm - lights out at 10 on school days. Weekends/holidays - can be a little later.
Freedom to travel - My DSs were allowed to go to town/cinema at 13 by themselves, but only in day time and only when we knew exactly where they were going and who they were going with.
No hanging around the streets in the evening - they can go to youth clubs etc but then return. They can't hang around.

Think he's old enough for you to sit down with him and discuss the ground rules. In his bedroom at 9 doesn't sound unreasonable if he will accept that.

If he has been in trouble with the police then he is going to need more supervision outside school so it's reasonable for you to keep track of where he is. When he shows you he is more reliable then you may want to relax this a bit. I have let mine out to wander round with friends/ have a coffee - in daylight and knowing that any report of bad behaviour and they would be grounded. But organised youth groups, sporting activities and the like are worth organising if he shows any interest.

Very brave of you to take him on, hope it works out.

Hi, thanks for all the replies, I really didn't expect so many!

He does seem to respond well to a little authority and is happy going to bed at 9:00 and reading for a while.

My wife asked today, "have you noticed the black circles around his eyes are fading?" So the earlier nights must be doing him good!!

We are trying to treat him exactlty as we treat our own two, but don't want him thinking we are being too strict and turning round and saying "you aint my dad/mum" etc.

Thanks and any more advice will be greatly appreciated

DS2 is 14 and goes to bed at 9.30. He needs his sleep, and if he's later than this then he does suffer.

But DS1 has always been different and is a bit of a night owl. He is good about getting up though, and even though he is 17 he is usually up relatively early at the weekend, when he has the choice to sleep in.

My point is that all children are different and require different amounts of sleep.

It sounds like your nephew is someone who needs their sleep, as he isn't making a fuss about the bedtime. But you may need to cut him a bit of slack when things have settled down and as he gets older.

It sounds like he is very lucky to have you to care for him!