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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

What advice will you give your daughter about sleeping with men?

40 replies

Nighbynight · 26/03/2009 17:39

What advice are you going to give your daughter about having sex with men?
Disclaimer: yes, it is a very narrow question, isnt it.

(-) Don't.
(a) Don?t, before marriage
(b) Only have sex when you are in a committed relationship
(c) Don't until you're 16.
(d) Don?t have sex for the wrong reasons
(e) Just don?t get pregnant
(f) You have the perfect right to go out and have casual sex with whoever you feel like, whenever you feel like, so just enjoy yourself.
(g) No advice at all, she is an independent person and can make up her own mind, and besides I don?t intend to give any advice to my son so why should I give advice to my daughter

Or something else?
I was just reflecting, that in the 80s, most middle class parents seemed to go with (b).

It would be nice if people could avoid pouring scorn on advice that they don?t agree with, so that people post what they really think instead of what looks safe, but maybe that?s asking too much?

OP posts:

lazybones · 27/03/2009 08:55

Plus I'm sure she meant I wasn't emotionally ready for a baby yet!

Original poster

Nighbynight · 27/03/2009 09:16

There are some really good points here.
I want to give my children meaningful advice, not just vague things that they won't understand until they've already made the mistakes! Though of course, no advice will stop them from making mistakes, at least you want them to be realistically prepared for the situations they are bound to come across.

I like your mother's advice, lazybones. It's something for the children to think about.

OP posts:

slug · 27/03/2009 10:09

Boys talk to each other.

Boys lie and exaggerate

Boys are just as capable as being vindictive as gorls are.

If you are prepared to deal with the consequences of the above then make sure you use protection and remember you have just as much right to pleasure as they have.

Original poster

Nighbynight · 27/03/2009 10:28

ooh so true, slug. I only found out what the boys really say, when I married ex h, and he told me

OP posts:

ForeverOptimistic · 27/03/2009 10:43

I don't have a daughter but if I did I would advise her that she should not have sex until she feels ready and trusts the person that she is intending to sleep with. I will tell her that if she feels embrassed to admit to having sex that this probably means that she isn't ready.

I will advise her to use protection and be aware that std's can lead to problems in later life.

The advice I will give ds is more or less the same. I will also advise him that women are not sexual objects and he shouldn't sleep with a woman unless he respects her. Show her respect don't have sex with her down a back alley, she is not an animal!

I will tell him to be 100% sure that the girl consents and to never put her under any pressure to sleep with him.

I will tell him to never ever sleep with an underage girl if in doubt don't do it. I will tell him to always use protection and think of the consequences, what if she gets pregant and doesn't want you to have any involvement in bringing up the child? don't take that risk.

musicposy · 29/03/2009 17:25

Well, I doubt anything I say will change much, because I think they have to mae mistakes for themselves

However -

My Mum never told me just how much pressure boys can put you under and always made it clear to me that nice girls didn't do it before marriage. The horrible result was that I dated a lovely guy for 2 years from 15 - 17 but never got anywhere near sleeping with him because he was so well trained not to pressure me. Once we split up I met a bloke who put me under so much pressure I ended up having sex with him when I didn't want to at all. I should have slept with the first guy. I should have said no to the second.

So I will say, if you really, utterly love someone and would both love to do it, do it. I will also tell her every trick in the book that I know boys use to get you into bed, so she can hopefully be stronger than I was if she actually means no. So I will say if you don't want to do it, never, ever be pushed into it.

Also, carry condoms even if you think you won't be having sex until you're 30. Because lots people who have sex for the first time didn't necessarily plan it beforehand

Also, that she can always talk to me about any of this stuff - I was her age once!
She's 13, so this converstion won't be far off!

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 29/03/2009 17:30

I will NOT be telling my daughters to have sex in a bed. Plenty of time for that when they have children and in bed whe the children are asleep is about the only safe place to have sex. As a teenager I happy shagged my way around parks, beaches, caravans, locked bathrooms at parties and the occasional bus shelter.
Why deny them the fun?

foxinsocks · 29/03/2009 17:39

haven't even thought about it tbh

probably that it might hurt the first time but it gets better err pretty quickly , use protection even if it's a get yer knickers off quick situation and please goodness no nasty little twats (probably not that bit but that's what I'll be thinking)

will say much the same to ds but leave out the possibly hurting bit

OrmIrian · 29/03/2009 17:40

Don't !

Actually I won't need to DH is going to follow her everywhere with a big stick to fight off hopeful swains for the next 20yrs.

Quattrocento · 29/03/2009 17:45

Well I'm going to concentrate on one key message:

"If you feel it is right to have sex, please use some protection".

I am going to repeat this message loud and long to both my children.

And hope it gets through.

ABetaDad · 29/03/2009 18:03

nickschick - that's good advice for boys.

I asked a nurse about it the the other day who had a 16 and a 18 year old son. I said the girls all seem so grown up now and I know they are having sexual relationships much earlier.

She said that all you can do is bring your sons up well, give them good values and hope that when they get to an adult situation a switch will trip in their head and they will make the right decisions.

I might add to that the following:

Never have sex with a girl who is drunk or on drugs;

2 Never have sex with a girl if she is even a tiny little bit unsure; and

Never ever before you or her are 16.

jancis · 15/04/2009 01:41

Hi there,

I need some advice. My daughter is 14 coming up to 15. She has been seeing some boy for a couple of months. I let him into my house and went out and left them on their own as I trusted my daughter.

I have seen 2 lovebites on my daughter. 1 on her neck and the other on her boob.

I am not very happy and have stopped her boyfriend from coming round.

Is this the right decision.?

Jancis

AdoAnnie · 15/04/2009 01:46

IT's staying awake with men that bothers me.

Tortington · 15/04/2009 02:05

i have hopefully creatd an environment at home where my daughter can come to talk to me about more delecate matters. I do have a DONT GET(or get anyone for the boys) PREGNANT vibe strongly permeating, however i talk about pride and feelings and commitment and relashionships and that there isn't a rush - there isn't a 'who can be quickest to lose their virginity' race - and most of her friends will not have done what the claim to.
but self respect is a biggee. and its open to interpretation - if she can sleep with 50 guys in 15 nights and maintain her own standard of self respect - then great!

she has been on the pill since she was 15, she wasn't then and isn't now (aged 16) sexually active as far as i know. her bf lives over 20 miles away which helps.

nooka · 15/04/2009 06:23

I think I will try and steer a course between my dh's views (very laisse fair) and my mothers (it's not fun and all boys are pretty much rapists).

I worry about my dd because at eight she is already very tall and looks a good couple of years older than she is, and she really likes to impress people and please them too. I think she may be very vulnerable. So I will be doing lots of the don't ever do anything you don't want to, most people boast who haven't actually done it, it's better with someone who cares for you, nothing wrong with a kiss and a cuddle, and you won't loose a good friend if you want to take it slowly. And lots and lots of be carefuls! Similar messages for my son, but I worry less about him doing things much too young, and more about him just being careless.

In truth I really hope that they hold off on sex until they are at university and I don't have to know about it/they are old enough to look out for themselves (mostly!)

Oh and as dd has just got very friendly wit the boy next door who is three years older than her and clearly very appealing in a more than friends type way I think I will be starting those conversations sooner rather than later!

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