I need Custy's tough advice asap [sad]

[stickyj]

Just wondered if Custy was around, need to talk

good post shesells, made me cry

I agree with every word you said

it is never too late, stickyj, even if you have to withdraw for a while for the sake of the rest of the family/your livelihood/your sanity

throw him out if you have to, make him take the consequences, nothing else is working is it?

he will come back to you one day, when he finds his maturity, it may take a very long time, but if you give up on him completely you leave him no route to find you again

stop listening to your unhelpful "friends" and do what you feel is right

Liked shesells post too...

It is tough stickyj, and I guess that for many parents of teenagers there are times when what our kids choose do to compromises us so much that we do feel like giving up on them. My dd2 violated our trust and my dp (not her father) found it very, very difficult to forgive her. It caused such a tension between me and dp, and it made me even more angry with dd.

I also had some friends that I stopped sharing with because their judgmental attitude wasn't helpful to me, and dd was starting to be labeled as a "wild child".

It can rip us apart as mothers: the pain of seeing our child "ruining" their life; feeling we have failed as a parent in not instilling better values; hating their behaviour yet loving the person we know is within them.

None of us know how it will turn out, for ourselves or for you and your son - yet there are so many hopeful examples of people who have turned their lives around.

You need to keep hold of the things that make you strong, then perhaps use some of that strength to help your son. Good luck.

The peson who told me he's bad is the mum who's son is now £4ooo in debt because he trusted a guy that my son and him were hanging round with. Now if my friend had been shafted to that extent by someone I knew, Iwould walk away. Not my son, according to him his friend was stupid, and didn't have to take out the credit thingys. His mum is in despair trying to sort out all the cahs stuff and she knows full well her son is supid, but he was too trusting nd my son just went alng with it. He had a phone off him, sold the handset and now refuses to pay the monthly credit thing wich he romised to pay off to his friend. I have known this woman since the kids wre four and she's disgusted with my son. He's sent threatening texts,abusive phone calls and facebok stuff (which she's got on file!) and threatened to go round and shut her up from talking about him. I had to go round and sit with her, she was terrified and is now off work with stress. Her 12 yr old daughter is scared to go out and has lifts to school now. They are a nice famly and my son has been involved (although he cleverly says he didn't have anything to do wit it, no-one made this kid do it) and I'm ashamed of him.

Of course I want him to chage, but read my Jollymum posts. This has been going on for yars, he hasn't got better. Just older and more scary. The other three kids have been pushedon the back burner a bit, 'cos the wole world revolves around him and what the next problem is going to be.

I don't want to give up on him, but he's an adult now and has to take the consequences of his actions. Every day he wasn't here, I got sadder and sadder and the others all suffered, but they need me too.

This morning, he came downstairs and said "What's up?". Like he doesn't listen to me or know. He just doesn't get it! I told him last night that I wanted him ut, I wasn't hapy with the way he as living his life and screwing up everyone elses and he just said "Don't you think I want a place of my own too?"

I don't want to intefere with his girlfriend but her ex was a physco, last night he broke her door down 'cos she had a friend there (male). Her baby was upstairs. He was into drugs, gambling and was a wide boy con merchant. ound familiar? No-one deserves that twice.

Oh stickyj you are having it tough.

What do you you want to do?

What will work for you?

Look back at custardo's posts - perhaps you should get him to leave now (don't give him the luxury of waiting to find a place - make it tough for him).

Live your own life and be strong for yourself and your other kids.

You have to step away from all the drama stickyj

It is his drama. Don't get dragged in, it will end in (your) tears.

I haven't read your other threads, but it sounds to me you are at the end of the line with your son with regard to him physically living with you. I would help him find somewhere else to live.

Then make it clear you are available for emotional support and advice but nothing financial and certainly not physically helping him clear up the messes he makes.

I don't know what to do, that's just it. Tell him I love him and kick himout? Last time I found out about the coke (he was taking it, selling E's and colecting cash for a scumbag dealer) I didn't speak to him for days. I then blew up, big time and told him it was his last chance. Tell me everything ad we could start from scratch. Agreed that I realy didn't like him or his way of life but still loved him. Time and time again, he screws up and the bit that worries me is he just doesn't care!!! He seems to have no mral compass and that disgusts me. Custy, give me a clue? Thanks everyone for the input, keep it coming.

If your friend has stuff on file and saved on the pc of him threatening her she should go to the police.

Prison is very different now to how you think it would be, if it goes that far. Your son would be encouraged to study and would be given counselling.

Even if it only ends in community service it will show him that his actions have consequences. Plus listening to your friend describe what went in court may help bring it home to him just how bad things have gotten.

wrt his gf. She is an adult. She needs to make her own mistakes. If people have warned her and she hasn't listened that is her fault not yours. Step back from that and stop blaming yourself.

My friends brother came from a good middle class family and had a good upbringing. Sometimes things wrong and there is no one to blame.

I need to say something awful. I think I'm too drained to care any more. I want him to go to prison and be sad, lonely and scared. I want him to come out different, caring about people and making amends for what he's done.I want him to know what it's like to be hrt and I feel so bad saying it, but I can on here 'cos that's MN. I'm so angry at him I could kill him. I want my fried to "shop" him but the police would just give him a warning and he wouldn't give a stuff. I'm scaed that this dad will come around to my house and cause a scene and that my son will get decked. Maybe he should bt what should my DH do? |get involved or let him take a few slaps etc? I would want to get in the midlle 'cos that's what mums are supposed to do, stop anyone hurting your kids.

No if this dad comes around threatening call the police. No one has the right to behave that way, regardless of what has happened.

Have you talked your son? Sat him down and really talked? Not shouted or laid blame but talked?

Explain to him how much it hurts you to see him this way. How much his behavior upsets you. How you want so much more for him and his gf.

Do it somewhere public like Rhubarb suggested so that he listens rather than making a scene.

After that pack his bags and ask him to leave. You have already said he has had his last chance. Tell him you love him and that you will always be there for him, but untill he changes his behaviors he can't live in the family home.

I thnk the dad has a right to come around. His son is now £4000 in debt and my son has caused part of that debt. Talk - god, i've talkd myslf up my own arse. We've had meetings with hs Dad and s/mum, all of us agreeing how to proceed etc etc until we're blue in the face. I could sit there and talk but he really won't accept that his behaviour is immature, selfish and totally wrong.He thinks he is infallible and can't get urt, he' such a "hard man"

Is there a time when talking has to stop and you just give up? I'm wasting so much time talking and tnking about him. I should be working, clearing up and planning lessons. I can't concentrate. He's gone to the gym with his mate this morning. ome life, eh?!

who pays for the gym membership?

His Dad. It was his birthday present in March, along with some nice clothes. His Dad has always iven him lts, mostly I think to make up for the fact that he leftwhen he was 12 weeks old He's so like my son, they clash. According to him (and see if you think this is lgcal) he didn't leave is son, he left me. Oh and for my best friend too!

so he gets to live the good life, while creating chaos all around him?

no wonder you are at the end of your tether

has his dad always spoiled him, even in spite of some very behaviour from the boy?

In a way, but his Dad's got money so he just does what they do. He doesn't get n with his s/mum (long story) but has great hols with them! I refused to take him with us last year on hol to a caravan site and he was shocked at first then OK. BUT we had a quiet time with the two youngest. I have problems with all of them fightng and shouting and although I'm volatile, I'm sure that the tension over the years has caused the othrs to play up too.

Does your son have anything of value? i.e. gaming equipment, tvs, hi fis in his room?

Could you let this other father take them to sell and help repay some of the debt?

Nope, only clthes. Rented portable tv, old hifi that was ours. Had decks, sold them. Had god knows how many phones, sold them.He owes me loads, £1900 over 3/4 years. Wrote off his £1000 debt when he got a job with a frind of mine, lasted about 4 weeks. He couldn't keep up with the work load and just got pally with the boss (ie me and Justin are drnkng after work etc). I bought him a £25 folifax so he could get straight and look professional. When he left the job, he left t here and when I bring it up he just tells me to shut up, it was ages ago.

So this boy got £4k into debt because of your son?

Bollocks!

I'll bet his parents are going "Oh poor 'ittle wittle you! Did that nasty 'owwible boy frighten you? Did he take away all your money?" Fuck that! They can't see their son is stupid and would rather blame yours.

Your son is right about that, no-one forced this lad to get involved. He's a big boy too presumably, big enough to make his own decisions and take the consequences of it. And you say there was a third boy involved - is the dad going to deck him too?

If your "friend" is that pissed off, tell her to call the police. If her dh comes round, call the police for her. Don't stand by and let your son get decked for their boy's stupidity.

As for the gf. Do you know why she's sticking around your son? Because of you. You are providing her with things, probably money too and whilst you are doing that, she's not going to dump your son is she? Why would she burn her bridges like that? Plus - what if she really does love him? What if he loves her and her baby? What right do you have to get involved with that?

You say he's a big boy and you want him to take the consequences of his decisions, yet there you are, bailing out his girlfriend and letting him walk all over you.

I'm not such how much advice I can give you because I'm not sure if you'll take any of it.

kick him out

Fck, i just wrote loads and it's lost. I am not bailing the gf out, I don't know and she is self sufficient with a well off mum who gets her stuff. She doesn't need my son. I am keeping out of it in case they stay together.

The debt boys parents are ot saying that at all. They are furous with him and he's been kicked out to stay with his dad. They have grounded him, he's not allowed out and evey peny he gets is to ay back his debts, which wil take him years. They are furious with my son hat he just usd him, dumped him as a friend and is now threatening to "do him" for spreading gossip,which he's not.He was doing realy well at work and just went off the rails with my son and this older guy, who lost his job recently through fiddling. He got the debt boy somehow to get dvd players etc on HP and then clmly walked across oas he was once into them heavily (my son's admission).

I thought Rhub said not to kick him out or am I wrong?

Packs his bags for him, put them outside the front door, change the locks if you have to, tell him you love him but he is not welcome in your house until he can prove to be a mature responsible adult (ie get a job, stop taking drugs)

You are letting him take the piss and walk all over you. its time to stop.

I suppose I need to know that if he leaves will I spend my life waiting for a pone call to identify him, 'cos he's got a big mouth and I know some heavy people are afer him? Don't know why, suspect wo it is but have no proof. Gy he was haning around with, well known to the police, running for him, I managed to get put back into jail as he was ut on bail at the time. Police watched him and cauht hm seling. He's out now and two weeks ago clipped the back of the car my son was passenger in, trying to get him to stop.
I'm scared he's going to get knifed. and how will that make me feel if I've kicked him out?

Als o, when I tell him to leave he asks why. He says hedidn't get debt boy to sign but he should have stoped him if he was a frind. He says the drugs are in the past and he's trying to get a job but he doesn't do a thing in the house whilst he's here. He's picked little bro up from school a couple of times but that's it.He asks for proof as to why he's getting kicked out but he's too clever for me and I always seem to back down.

Your making excuse now, you are not protecting him by letting him live with you and walk all over you, quite the opposite in fact, he knows you are a soft touch. He will grow up pretty quickly when he has to start fending for himself, you have to make him leave, it is the only way he will change

I haven't said either way.

My friend worried everyday when her brother was on the streets and doing drugs.

She would start to really panick if she didn't hear from for days. She asked people she knew inc me if we ever saw him and he asked us for money would we buy him food instead.

She never let him into her home though because she knew what would happen if she did.

He has now admitted that if they didn't do that to him he would just have continued stealing from them.

Sometimes you need to be tough, it won't be easy but for your sons sake things cannot carry on this way. If people are after him they will find him regardless of where is living.

Though I doubt very much that he is in that much trouble. Silly teenagers prang each others cars. Gangsters do not.