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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Tough love starts today!

17 replies

LoisGriffin · 11/03/2009 10:27

Am at my wit's end with DD 17.
After weeks of trekking to all kinds of 'healers' doctors, specialists, therapists, hypnotists in an attempt to help her with her 'issues' and her rejecting each one because no magic wand could be waved to help her with her anxiety, extremely mild OCD and whatever else she is using to justify her withdrawal from school (basically) and me treating her like an invalid - today I am doing nothing!
No checking in on her as she stagnates in her bedroom asleep all day and awake all night.
No more "I'm off to the shops can I get you anything?"
Wish me luck!

(Hope this is the right thing...

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 11/03/2009 10:52

good luck - we are doing the same thing with our dd (17) as well - im bloody fed-up with walking on egg shells, being 'understanding' etc, we have decided that actually, 'tough love' is the way to go

last night i told that i was very unimpressed that she felt old enough to have sex but was not grown-up enough to use the dish-washer, put her dirty clothes in the basket etc.

i know just how you feel today - lets stand together!!!

poshwellies · 11/03/2009 11:05

I had anxiety at 17.

I ended up having a nervous breakdown and being on ad's for a good for years later (and countless therapy for my 'issues')

Yeah ,good luck to you

jesuswhatnext · 11/03/2009 11:11

poshwellies - it seems to me that the op knows her dd very well and is pretty certain that she is putting on her 'anxiety' issues etc to justify dropping out of school and generally being a pain in the bum teenager. no mother would ignore a childs genuine cry for help, but sometimes we have to realise that we are being manipulated by our children.

jesuswhatnext · 11/03/2009 11:12

btw posh - i'm very sorry that you didn't get the help and support you needed back then.

poshwellies · 11/03/2009 11:27

I can understand that some teens will use any excuse to get out of doing what they don't want to do ie school or college.

But if your daughter has got anxiety issues is not as cut and dry just to say right 'tough love' from now on in.My mother was pretty harsh with me when my anxiety started .She was of the 'pull your socks up' brigade-but my anxiety was crippling me,to outsiders I could of appeared as manipulating or being sulky.

I lost my job because of it (at 17) and was barely functioning at home ,it may of looked like I was shirking my chores to my mother or being a lazy arsed teen.She certainly told me to snap out of it countless times-didn't work.I was just unable to function normally.

I did have help-I was referred to a mental health team and had therapy along with a mental health worker ,placed onto medication and slowly got better and was able to become functioning teenager.

Lois,if you daughter does have full on anxiety, I recommend her reading some of Claire Weekes's books (or Dorothy Rowe).

Good luck.

Original poster
LoisGriffin · 11/03/2009 12:51

Thanks and I'm sorry to hear you had such a difficult time.
Believe me I am NOT unsympathetic to anxiety (have suffered from it myself) and hence my efforts to find her help.
My thinking is that if she is rejecting all help offered then the only way is for her to try to overcome it herself in a way she can handle.
I am certainly not the 'snap out of it type'.
I am merely trying something else as all other efforts have failed.

And well said jesuswhatnext!
Good luck to you too.

OP posts:
optimisticmumma · 11/03/2009 22:56

Good luck, Lois, I wondered where you were...hope this works for you both.

Original poster
LoisGriffin · 11/03/2009 23:55

Day one was successful.
Every time she asked for something I said something along the lines of "bugger off...!"

Then we went to the movies together

OP posts:
ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 16/03/2009 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Leenie · 16/03/2009 19:54

louisgriffin, it may well just be typical teenage awful behaviour, but please please like poshwellies says, it could be more ! look deeply for signs, a year ago my DD (17) was behaving slackly, living in a pigsty of a room and not really doing anything, i kept nagging assming it was just her being a horrid teen, a year later we are in a right mess, i have written a thread today cos i am at my wits end, and all i keep asking myself is why did i not see it all coming, i'm her mum for christ sake, how could i not have known she was cutting herself and contemplatng killing herself, i thought we were so close, we used to watch movies, play scrabble, nintendo or whatever together, go shopping lunch on saturdays,share make up, all the mum and daughter things, yet i never bloody knew, how mad is that ??? , posh wellies or anyone else, if you read my thread maybe you could give me some advise please..x

optimisticmumma · 17/03/2009 22:17

Sorry you are sounding so distressed.Hang on in there, Leenie, I'm thinking of you....
How is it going Lois?

NotAnOtter · 17/03/2009 22:19

lois hope it is going well

Its a tough call but YOU know your dd better than anyone

tough - love worked for us after YEARS of treading on eggshells got us no where!

Original poster
LoisGriffin · 20/03/2009 14:16

Yes well it WAS going well.
DD seemed to be thinking positively, she's booked her driving theory test and was up and abut a lot more than she has been.

THEN... she cricked her neck and has taken to her bed again. This, btw, is the worst pain anyone has ever had. No painkillers will help . There is nothing anyone can do...
With all my good intentions (and success) she has found a way to get herself back to a place where I again have to 'care' for her.
But seeing as she won't accept my help, I can't.

I'm hoping this is just a blip.

Thanks for your message Leenie, I read your thread and I'm so sorry that you and your family are having such a difficult time.
I've had all the self harming when DD was a younger teenager. We are through that now although I think she is trying different ways of drawing attention to the pain of growing up. Don't mean to sound callous there.

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 20/03/2009 14:58

you don't sound callous! just a bit desperate!

we have been doing the 'tough love' all week, today dd has (i hope!) taken herself off to the clinc to be fitted with a depo implant - i'm very much in two minds over this, the health implications worry mem but so do the implications of becoming pregant

with regards your dd, i think i would try being fairly brisk, talk about the driving test positivley and about how she will pay for it if she misses it!

good luck

jesuswhatnext · 20/03/2009 15:00

sorry, spelling is a bit beyond me today

cory · 20/03/2009 15:10

have you thought about anything like a rehabilitation clinic, where she might spend several weeks or even months getting back on track?

Original poster
LoisGriffin · 20/03/2009 18:59

Only in my most desperate times cory...
Mental health practitioners (friends rather than those we've seen) have uniformly and separately said she's not that bad.
And I don't really want to reinforce the illness identity any more than she could handle - if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
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