help! other parents of teens, how to resolve this?

[veryangrymum]

My 16 yo ds is a lovely lad but completely lazy. Not unusual but it's causing massive issues. Friday he missed a class at college, he has had a written warning re: poor attendance and is aware he must have 100% attendance until next progress meeting march 4th. This is the 2nd time he has missed a class during this period. His excuse was that his mate gave him a lift but en route had to pick up girlfriend so they arrived late and he didn't go to class. I think he just chose not to go.
I was furious and said he should stay home Friday but I knew he had already made plan to stay over at mates watching rugby so I relented and let him go, he only ran into house for 3 mins to pick up bag and I wasn't prepared to fight it out. However I talked to him on phone and reminded him we would talk next day, Saturday and not to make any plans. So he returned home late Saturday afternoon, disappeared into shower, emerged in a shirt and I reminded him that after dinner we would have a discussion. He complained that he had plans to meet a mate and I told him that he'd have to cancel them. Just before taking dd to bed ds said he was popping out to corner shop and did not return until 6am this morning!
This is the first time he has deliberately defied me and I'm livid. I came home from shopping and met him in the kitchen looking wary but unapologetic I told him I was too angry to even look at him yet so to keep out of my way and he's still lurking in his room.
What would you do?

bump

don't have a teen yet, but do have 12 yrs of teaching them & even more of youth camps etc.

i don't think that fights, shouting etc works well at this age, they use that to justify their behaviour. long term he has two choices 1. go to college or 2. get a job & pay rent.

perhaps you could write out a balance sheet showing him potential earnings on min wage for a 16 yr old, his conts to rent, bills, food, cllothes etc, & how much money left each week? i doubt it would leave much for him to have fun on. Make it clear, that he does college properly, and instead of financial cont, he cont to house through some housework, or he leaves & makes his own money .

if he thinks you're being harsh, show him how much rent costs for a bedsit in yur area.

it's a hard lesson, both to teach & learn, but if he's old enough to make independent decisions about his future, like whether he goes to college, then he's old enough to take on the responsibility of supporting himself. but we all know that almost all teenagers like the freedom without the responsisbility

Thanks for replies, yes the whole work vs college argument comes up a lot. I'm quite afraid to even give the option of leaving home as I really want to do everything I can to make sure he stays at college and achieves good A levels and I want him at home.
He's very frustrating as a completely charming lad, we have a great mother/ son relationship. Have always been very close. He is however so lazy that he quite literally does nothing. No effort at home or college. Punishments he takes with good grace and he apologises, says all the right things but doesn't change his behaviour.

He has part time restaurant job and I pay for his mobile. He doesn't get pocket money but I pay for haircuts/ toiletries/ clothes etc. Well I would buy clothes but he is in fact so lazy that he won't go shopping! I've been trying to get him to look for new jeans and shoes since before xmas but he won't get up and go shopping at the weekend!
This is part of the difficulty with disciplining/ punishments as he isn't motivated by cash.
Last term I confiscated his laptop/ ipod/ made him pay his own phone and he wasn't allowed out at weekends unless he had attended all lessons..it didn't improve anything. So this year I've tried new approach of making him responsible for himself and he's even worse

Oh god washing...
He throws everything on his floor, wardrobe and chest of drawers dusty and unused
Since New Year I've refused to go in his room looking for clothes but weeks will go by and nothing comes out!

How many teens do you/ did you have Riven?
Do they really turn out fine in the end?

I feel your pain, I have kind of given up nagging ds(17) about college, he just knows if he doesn't get good grades he has to leave and get a job. end of.
it has made him work harder.
I can't advise about washing as ds is good at giving me his stuff.
I would be furious if ds went out with out telling me, I imagine that grounding a 16yr old is nigh on impossible, so maybe you need to look at another way.
loosing the internet/mobile phone/money works better with ds.
and it is easy for me to carry out iynwim.

if he doesn't care about money, how about he 'earns' nights out, e.g. if he puts on a wash & hangs it to dry, he can go out on fri night. if he tries pulling a stunt like just disappearing again, I would be telling him NOW (not in the aftermath) that he is welcome to find himself a squalid bedsit & be truly independent.

kissangel I've actually told him exactly that tonight. I hate shouting, that's why I avoided a confrontation until I felt calmer but he provoked it.
First he tried to install himself on sofa with duvet watching tv and I sent him off with his clean sheets and clothes to sort out his room and bring out his overflowing bin/ glasses/ plates etc. Then I found him setting up the playstation in the back room! Told him straight that he could not lie/ sneak out of the house and return at 6am then think he could lounge around playing games all day. He stropped off upstairs. But when he was getting in shower to leave for work, eve shift, he admitted he hadn't even put the sheets on his bed or tidied anything.
I lost it a bit and told him that if he wasn't going to respect the home I provide and my very fair rules he could go get a job and look for his own place to rent. This is the first time I've ever said so much and he looked shocked but I doubt it will change much.
I'm really can't see how I can get him to take college seriously. I feel like I've been 100% tough and it had no impact on his behaviour and I've tried leaving him to it and he gets worse and I get mad. But the bottom line is I don't want him to be kicked out or get low grades.
Also I hate the fact that I'm forced to be furious constantly because he won't get up and out on time/ attend 100%/ do anything around the house.

DS1 is 17 (yesterday!) and he has some of these traits, although not quite as bad as you have painted your son. However, he does seem to take responsibility for what he's doing at college, so I can't complain on that front.

Some of the things you have posted, though, worry me - about not wanting to confront him. I suspect that you don't like the whole telling off/shouting/'losing it', as you say - but unless you really do express your feelings then he is never going to really understand your anxieties. You seem to have relented and let him off too much, IMO. (Sorry if this sounds harsh - not meant to be)

If he's really not that bothered about college, then it might be time to let him give it up - but on the understanding that he goes out to work, and pays you board.

Can you talk to his college and see if they would allow a year out? It maybe that it will take him having a year out, working, for him to realise that college is a better place to be.

My DS is lazy too, but has to do certain things - because we have made it clear that it's non-negotiable. We still have to nag/shout/worry away at him, but he does do them - eventually.

One thing I would really recommend, though, is that you cut off his source of funds. Stop paying for all his things. If he hasn't got the money then he can't go out. If he hasn't got clothes, then tough.

I think you need to get tougher with him, to be honest. Toughen up yourself too, and stop avoiding the confrontations with him. You are his mum, not his best friend - he may hate you for it, but unfortunately that's the role that - at the moment - you have to play. He has to deserve your approval.

He has a job so you should not be paying for anything except educational stuff. At 16 he is old enough to put his washing in the machine. Remind him but don't go and get it. If he does not have any clean clothes then it is his fault and it might start him doing stuff.
What does he want to do in the futur. Perhaps he would rather have a full time job now than go to college.

thanks for replies

When I say I hate confrontations, I mean that I hate the way I am constantly having to nag at him over things he should just do in my opinion and this college issue means that I'm constantly repeating the same questions/ threats etc and he repeats the same apologies/ promises and nothing changes for better.
I have been searching for a way to resolve these issues without the shouting/ arguing as I can see we easily fall into angry mum/ angry teen roles and it doesn't lead to a solution.
I've been reading books about talking/ listening to teens. I try to maintain the good parts of our relationship so we're not solely locked in a never ending fight over washing/ college but I'm really annoyed that nothing works and I'm ready to return to no more nice mum if that will get results.
Since New Year when I refused to crawl around his floor looking for washing he didn't change his sheets until 2 weeks ago! When I refused to give him train fare until he put them in machine. Since then he has refused to put sheets on the bed sleeping on mattress protector with no covers even though I nag him 10 times a day!
I attended the written warning meeting at college and his tutors favoured him leaving as he clearly didn't want to attend but I don't want him to leave as I think he's just being extremely immature and will hopefully grow out of this. Also now is not the time to be unemployed, I'm not convinced he could find a job and so staying in college seems the best option.
He says he wants to stay at college as he doesn't want to be left behind by his friends. He's very bright but totally lazy. His friends all seem to be good students.
To be honest this laziness has always been there, even as a toddler!

and he earns about £60 - 70 a week with tips and I rarely give him money for anything.
He only goes out at weekend and usually only Friday or Saturday not both. He knows that if he misses a class he cannot go out at the weekend, that rules been in place since this issue first appeared. That's why I was so angry that he totally defied me last night and it has left me v unsure about regaining control. I don't throw out idle threats and he has always respected my authority but now that line has been crossed and I'm still livid

and I suppose a bit scared that now he's gone this far he won't obey my rules ever again

Sorry - I can sense how frustrated you are. It's not easy and I don't know how to help.

I know that sometimes with DS1 it feels like only a matter of time before he totally defies me.

Don't give in though. Even if it means being a really horrible mum.

Sorry I can't help more. It's a really tough time, isn't it? And we thought it was hard when they were toddlers!!!

thanks for your replies, I've never posted about my teen before, I'm usually on the baby and toddler threads(namechanged). It's helped me think things through a bit more clearly/ calmly. I'm off to bed now so cheers all and goodnight!

i hope there was a resolution. in this situation there would have been less talking and more punishment. it would begin with anything he held dear and would last for a month.

He sounds very similar to my DS2, so I know how you feel...

At 16, I think he really has to go to college because he wants to. It sounds like you can't make him by means of punishment. How are his grades?

An alternative approach is to let him decide what he wants to do and suffer the consequences. If he drops out of college and ends up stacking shelves in Tesco he may decide that life without qualifications sucks and pick them up again at a later date. Yes, it's far from ideal but it's not the end of the world. Hang on to the fact that if he's bright he will be OK in the long run.

Same with the washing - no one ever died of dirty sheets (though my sister in law did get scabies...) and one day he'll find a girlfriend & his hygiene will improve overnight(I'm still waiting).

Sometimes it's easier to make the right decision if you don't feel you're being coerced into it. My son has been through a very turbulent time hormonally and I feel that keeping the pressure off him a little more has allowed me to support him more than if I was nagging him all the time. Maybe...

' But the bottom line is I don't want him to be kicked out or get low grades'

I think this is the problem and I know exactly where you are coming from, because I would feel the same and try and do everything to prevent it. However you may have to take the hard stance suggested by others and let him learn by his mistakes. If he gets a job and his own place he may well see the value of getting exams and go back to college. If he is there because he has chosen it, he will value it more.The good thing is that it is never too late.

don't think I'm doing well enough with my teens to give advice but maybe I can give you some hope.

Two of my friends have had similar problems with their sons. One's son dropped out of university last year - but has changed college and course and seems to be making a go of it this year. One has a son who like yours was not going to college. He was warned by the college he was going to be thrown out has now started attending again. However it got to the stage where his parents gave up and accepted he would leave before he started going agin. Perhaps it was a control issue for him and when his parents gave up he could go again?

One of my nieces has left home and is living with a friend's family. Her GCSE mocks were dreadful but she says she is going to join the RAF and will work harder to get what she needs. Will find out later this year but at least she has something she wantts to work for.

I'm trying to give up some control of my children. However that goes with making it plain that they will bear the consequences of their behaviour. So if they work hard at school and do things like pocket money they get an allowance/ music lessons paid for etc. But its my house, my TV and my electricity bills so until they pay for them they can't even use their own game consoles or laptops unless they do some of what I want. I have shown them ads for room shares in the paper and talking about the less pleasant of my own experiences of looking for somewhere to live. I'm trying to make it less control and more their choice of what they do. I make a point of disliking some of the less damaging things they do - like how they dress and their choice of music - so they can rebel against that and hopefully not the more important things.

Wouldn't say any of us are totally happy with that but they are still at school and their exam results are reasonable. Their rooms are a tip but that I can live with.