DS2 struggling with ASs

[JudyA]

DS2 was really looking forward to 6th form and 'being treated like an adult'. But sometime during the summer holidays he went all goth (or maybe emo!), got in with a group of friends who all seem to have 'issues' and, when school started, rebelled against authority. He also struggled with the workload, started skipping lessons, and felt exhausted.

I dragged him to the doctor's who after a raft of blood tests decided that this was an emotonal issue probably connected to raging hormones. He offered CBT, but DS2 declined. DS2 dropped two of his AS levels, leaving three, which seemed to help him settle.

Now, however, he's struggling again and can't concentrate. He says he can't work at home, can't work at school, and today came home after a couple of lessons because he couldn't face the next lesson even though it was his favourite subject, physics. The frustrating thing is that he's very bright and quite capable of good grades. In his mock ASs he got a B, D and E which isn't great but is brilliant considering the amount of work he's done.

He also thinks he has social anxiety, though he's fine with his friends. I had some friends to stay for a weekend a while back and they didn't see him once - he hid in his room only emerging to go to the loo or grab some food when we were out. (Possibly typical for any teenager?)

I'm hoping he'll agree to go down the CBT route but this would take time and I feel the priority is to get him through his AS exams in May/June as then even if he had to take time out to work out what he wants to do, he'll have them safely under his belt and won't have to redo the year. But his attitude at the moment is 'I can't.'

I'm also wondering about trying him on St John's Wort in case that would give him enough of a lift to help him hang on in there.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be very greatfully received - thank you!

That should be 'gratefully', not 'greatfully'. Or possibly 'greatly'

sorry no experience of this judy but bumping for you

Sounds like it is a combination of new, less motivated friends, and finding the jump from GCSE to AS harder than he expected even though his AS mock grades are pretty good for having done no work (I had a DS like that).

If he admits to 'thinking he has a social anxiety disorder' or whatever, then he probably has, although, as you say, all teens feel like that to a certain extent. Perhaps he will accept treatment for that.

I would phone the school. They will be very discreet and probably have strategies for dealing with this kind of behaviour and will hopefully just get him through the exams in the summer.

I am no expert, by the way, just have had two teens and still have one. (To give you hope DS1 who claimed could never concentrate for longer than about 5 mins is now at university). All you can do is offer him help with his social anxiety and keep 'reminding' him how he is limiting his options for the rest of his life by not getting his A levels now. It is so difficult, I do sympathise. Ring the school, see what they suggest.

Thanks BagsForLife. The school already know he was suffering from stress at the start of the year (I laid it on a bit thick so the 6th form head wouldn't object to him dropping subjects and so his teachers wouldn't think he was an idle layabout , but I'll consider speaking to them again.

At the moment he doesn't want any talking therapies (all his friends with 'issues' tell him they don't work ) and turned down St Johns Wort as 'antidepressants turn you into a zombie'. It's frustrating but as you say, I can't do much if he doesn't want treatment. Ironically, social anxiety makes you reluctant to speak to a stranger about your problems...

Next ploy is bribery and corruption, I think... something like I'll buy him a laptop if he passes his ASs. Won't help the underlying problem but may give him some extra motivation!

I have one 17 year old DS (and a 21 year old DS) so recognise many of the things OP is writing about though not to the same level. Is there some student counselling available? He might find it easier to speak to another adult who isn't a parent/teacher. Your DS might need to take some time out and go back to study in September - is this a possibility? Unfortunately, teenagers are on an educational conveyor belt and as soon as one set of exams is dealt with another then looms. It isn't surprising some have problems with keeping going whilst their hormones rage and (for the boys) they are still growing.

Look up 'humangivens' on google. It is a brilliant form of therapy which you will have to pay for but works very quickly in very few sessions. My DD has CFS/ME and we have used it for her. Sell it to him by possibly saying that it will help him with the emotional side of life as a doc would help with physical health!!?By the way it contends that depression is a learned behaviour. Interesting.
Hope this helps

Do you know, I think his sole purpose in life is to give me grey hair (in which case he can stop, I've got plenty already!). He's just had a 'future planning' day at school and this morning expected to be back home by about 9.30, but stayed all day and has been talking to me for an hour about university, gap year, finances....

I tried to tell him that he didn't have to worry about student finances because we'd make sure he never had to struggle with them, but interestingly he said that worrying about university before it was approaching a reality stopped him thinking and worrying about coping with his ASs so much.

He's been telling me there's no way he can share a bathroom with others and that he really can't face living with a bunch of strangers so he does seem to have some social issues. My feeling at the moment is that he's not going to go for any sort of professional help for this but will work it out his own way if he can. I'll make sure he always knows that path is open to him though.

Optimisticmumma, thanks for that - I'll look up humangivens, though I have doubts about depression being a learnt behaviour My other DS (18) has CFS/ME - I had hoped that at least one of them would sail smoothly through the educational system, but no such luck!