DD's friend has been thrown out by his Dad...

[brummiemummie]

Basically, DD1?s (male and gay) best friend came out to his dad this afternoon ? his Mum already knew but had asked him not to tell his dad for a while because she thought he might not cope too well with it, iykwim. He was 16 yesterday and he decided he was too old to be living a lie to someone so close to him, and so this afternoon when he got home from school he sat both his parents down and told his dad about his sexuality. He was sensible enough to take my DD, her boyfriend (also one of his best friends) and his other, male best friend in case his dad kicked off. His dad wasn?t actually violent towards him, but he may as well have been ? he threatened this poor lad and told him that he wasn?t welcome under his roof any more.

Him and DD came back at about 4 and he has been crying on and off ever since, saying he doesn?t know what to do and that he can?t go back to his parents house because he thinks his dad will actually be violent towards him if he does. I have told him he can stay here for as long as he needs but I?m not sure how his mum will react to this ? she is quite snobby and may not take too kindly to me ?treading on her toes? as it were. I simply don?t know what else to do though ? I can?t just turn him out onto the street. It?s not as if it?s much trouble either, I have a big family and so 1 more person won?t make too much difference ? I have known him since him and DD were toddlers and he?s always been very helpful and polite, and is a pleasure to have in the house. It has been a big shock to him (and me and DD) just how much fuss his dad has made. I always knew he was fairly old-fashioned, and I suppose I do have quite liberal views compared to most, but I never expected downright homophobia from him.

I don?t know why I?m posting this really, just wondering I suppose whether there?s anything else I should be doing? Also, just checking there are no legal issues I should be worrying about with looking after another person's child. As I said, he is already 16, so I am assuming not, but just wanting to put my mind at rest really.

Sorry, I know it?s a bit long, thanks for reading xx

BM, you sound like a lovely person and he is lucky to have you to support him.

IME, a lot of parents will settle down a bit after the initial shock of such a revelation, so maybe it is worthwhile just offering him shelter for the night and deal with tomorrow tomorrow IYKWIM. Could you or him phone his mother and speak to her? Surely his parents will want to know that he is safe.

Other than that, not much practical help I am afraid, but well done for being there for him, he must feel so lonely and rejected at the mo.
Hopefully thing will turn out ok for him.

things

Hi I have no experience to help , but it sounds like you are doing the right thing offering this boy a place to stay - if his mum wants him home then she needs to talk to his dad to make sure it will be OK . It's probably a big shock for his dad and he may just need some time to take it in . Good Luck !

Whether his mother is a snob or not, you are both parents, and I'm sure she will be very grateful that you are offering somewhere for him to stay. I'd give her a ring and just let her know he's safe.

Agree would phone the mother and tell her where he is and that its ok with you if he stays for a few days.

I'd phone her and say "I dont want to step on your toes but if hes not allowed home i'd rather he was safe here with us"

I hope they come round, I cant imagine anyones prejuice taking precidence over their love for their child but I know it happens.

Thanks for all your messages, it's good to know that you think I've done the right thing!

Mummyfor3, I've already phoned his mum and reassured her - she is very upset; I think she secretly knew just how severe her DH's attitude towards homosexuality was, as she mentioned how he is always very rude and cold towards a friend of hers who is bisexual.

Wrongsideof40, I think it will take a lot for either his dad or him to accept moving back home. I don't know about his dad, but DD's friend is very stubborn and he feels completely betrayed by his father. I think it will be a long time before he can forgive him for what he said this evening, although perhaps when they have calmed down, they will both see things differently.

MaureenMLove & WillyWombat, perhaps calling her a snob was a little bit strong, she is just one of those people who always thinks she knows what is right for her son (he is an only child and she does spoil him a bit). I was slightly concerned that she would feel I was trying to jump in and sort things out for her by having her son for a few days. However, now I've phoned her (after my first post) and heard how upset she is, I know that she doesn't think that and is grateful at being given some time to sort things out with her DH.

Poor boy. What a shame this kind of attitude still exists. Lucky you and your daughter are around to support him. Is he in touch with any gay organisations that can advise him on getting through this?

I had no issue with you calling her a snob...some people are and I dont know her She sounds like she may come around.

I feel its not a parents place to have children and expect them to be anything other than loving and respectful...how they eventually lead their lives is their business not for us to decide. Obviously the hetro lifestyle is the easier way to live your life but if thats not what they are then id hate them to have to pretend.

ScummyMummy, I don't know whether he is already in touch with anyone, I will ask him when he has had time to calm down a bit.

DH mentioned it just now on the phone to one of his friends (who is bisexual and married but identified as gay for many years) and he advised calling the Lesbian and Gay Switchboard. I may advise him to do that as I think it might help him to talk it through with someone who isn't involved.

DH's friend also said that DD's friend could call him if he needed any advice or just to talk, as he also had a bad experience coming out (although that was back when people weren't generally quite so accepting about these things) and so he knows what this boy is going through. I think talking to him will help a lot as he is actually a trained psychiatrist and has volunteered with various counsellng organisations, and so is used to talking things through with people who have had an emotional upset.

I quite agree WilyWombat, if one of my kids was gay I would much rather they told me than try to hide it from me. I've always made it clear to my children that I will never "assume" they are anything and I will not be shocked or unhappy with their sexualities, whatever they may turn out to be.

Quite a few of my and DH's friends are gay, lesbian or bi and so the kids have grown up knowing what "gay" means and accepting it. I think this is partly what has shocked DD - she has only really ever known adults who are accepting of homosexuality and I think it was quite a shock to her to see how anti it her friend's dad was.

Also, her younger sister, who is only 9, seems quite confused as to why he is staying with us and what exactly his dad has a problem with, and so I think I may need to have a chat with her about the ins and outs of it tomorrow.