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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How do you discipline a 13yr dd??

23 replies

Molly100 · 17/02/2009 17:26

Am so thoroughly fed up asking/requesting/nagging - tidy up bedroom, flush toilet, empty bin, etc etc etc. Up until now I have confiscated laptop,ipod etc as 'punishment' {sad}. I don't want to keep disciplining, nagging, I want to treat her as a teen and not a 'naughty child'. Absolutely 'nothing' I seem to say or do makes any difference whatsoever. She should be getting and I would like her to get so much more out of life. She is even having to do extra school work as her grades were slipping as she was making such little effort. Help, I am sinking/have sunk and I just don't know what to do. I know this has probably been aired many many times and perhaps there really is no 'miracle' to be had but any advice would be very appreciated. TIA.

OP posts:

Splishysploshy · 17/02/2009 17:31

Hi
I have an almost 13 yr old boy. I find myself turning into a nag at times so sat him down only the other week. I explained that I didn't like feeling like this & that he could help by being more responsible for his own actions. I also told him that it would have a knock on effect on pocket money, lifts to places etc. as in why should I put myself out for you when you are not doing it for me.
He has really turned a corner, though it may not last. I think he respected me talking to him as a responsible almost teenager and just being honest with my feelings.
Good luck.

Hassled · 17/02/2009 17:34

My approach was to a) come up with some rules, get her to agree them - eg she tidies her bedroom every Saturday morning, or whatever, and then b)dock allowance/pocket money everytime she doesn't do that. Not all of it, but a significant percentage.

My DD was horrendous at 13 so I have every sympathy. One day she will be a nice young woman - just hold on to that thought .

Original poster

Molly100 · 17/02/2009 17:36

The thing is Splishyspolshy, I have regular talks like this with my DD and she 'hears me' but nothing ever changes. It has got to a point where I am having a 'talk with her' just about every other day! Its ridiculous, Nothing Changes at all, I really am at my wits end not to mention totally sad and broken hearted. DH says times have changed but I'm sorry I don't buy into that. Respect is everything in my book.

OP posts:

Original poster

Molly100 · 17/02/2009 17:38

She is such a stubborn mule, she really couldn't care less if I docked her pocket money or grounded her. She hardly goes out anyway. Today, she point blank refused ALL of the shoes in ALL of the shops (she needs new school shoes. I am completely worn down.

OP posts:

pagwatch · 17/02/2009 17:42

stop talking about it all the time. It is just stressing you both as the more you talk the more you expect her to 'hear' you. But at her age she does mostly what feels best in the moment and agreeing to tidy your room is easy if it stops mum nagging...

Take all the angst out of it. Draw up a list like Hassled said and then have a list of consequences

no pocket money
take phone away for one week etc etc

You argue with her because you are angry that she keeps making you the bad guy by noyt doingthe minimum - so you feel guilty, so you nag and moan at her, and then you feel guilty for nagging and moaning.
have clear rules and then you just refer to them.
Last time DS1 was late home I was able to cheerfully say " hey sweetheart, did you have a nice time? Now go and get your phone for me - you know the rules"
It is really easy

Original poster

Molly100 · 17/02/2009 17:48

{smile} last paragraph pagwatch. I have to say when I confiscaste her laptop, ipod, etc she reverts to being 'my girl' again and its great. Problem is I would love (if it is even possible), to be able to live in harmony WITHOUT taking away her things. I don't want to keep treated her like a 'child' albeit she still is iyswim.

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julienoshoes · 17/02/2009 17:50

Pick your battles?
I don't/didn't nag my teens to tidy their bedroom-their room, their mess.
I just shut the door.
They clean it (or not) anything they want washing has to be in the wash basket, I don't chase it. If it is not there it doesn't get done.

I think you are right-respect is everything, as long as it is mutual respect.

Go somewhere nice together, sit down over coffee/lunch whatever and chat.
Discuss your respecting her boundaries and right to do as she chooses in her room, in return you would like to have some respect for shared family spaces-flushing toilet etc.

TBH I found life has been so much better living consensually. Trying to find a solution so everyone is happy rather than someone having to compromise. (Been there done that with stepson-found myself nagging constantly)
Since living this way, I have never had the need to dock money/ground. I hated nagging, life is much better now.

and as for the shoes-what does she need them for?
Ask her to Google and show you what she would like. Set a price limit and explain why.
We do this all the time now IF we have to shop together. Cuts out so much of the leg work.

All of this is just my opinion, not saying it is any better than anyone else's opinion, but this does work for loads of families I know with Teens-and I am so glad they told me!

pagwatch · 17/02/2009 17:51

ut you need to treat her like a child until she can make adult choices which she can't just yet.

If it helps this behaviour = consequence thing does not have to go on for very long and once you are through it it is done with.

The phone confiscation was the first rule break by DS1 in months and he is 15 - very very reliable and on top of school work, tidy room etc etc.

Honestly it works. You just have to put up with being the bad guy at times until she gets it

julienoshoes · 17/02/2009 17:52

Sorry, just read that the shoes are for school.

oxocube · 17/02/2009 18:04

DS, also 13, was in big trouble this weekend for lying about whereabouts and then going into a nearby big city with a 12 year old friend and coming home at 2am . He has had his phone taken away and laptop and banned from MSN/Skype and grounded for a month. I had to smile when you said your DD was nicer after you did these things as my DS is too - he is being much kinder with his little brother and sister, is helping more, being a pretty decent guy etc because he knows he was a twat and was very lucky not to have been picked up by the police.

No answers, except that consistency is good, but at least you are not alone

pagwatch · 17/02/2009 18:08

I have just remembered that when DS1 was being particularly teenage I threatened thatthe next punishment would be emptying every decent item of clothing from his wardrobe and making him wear M&S tracksuits to every party and social event.
he was an angel for months.....

oxocube · 17/02/2009 18:22

oh and forgot the 'no pocket money for a month' (and I know he is broke!) This week isn't so bad as its half term and nearly all of his mates are off skiing - the next 3 weeks will be interesting when he realises that he has to come straight home from school when his friends are all going out for a burger or that he can't go to a sleepover with his mates at the weekend. Hey ho - he will thank me when he's older (I hope )

Original poster

Molly100 · 17/02/2009 19:06

M&S is a step up from Tesco (as I threatened) {grin}. I have told her she will come home one day and find her room stripped of everything {shock}. Futile threat really as I have neither the time or energy to carry this out and of course she doesn't believe me. Me thinks, as Pagwatch says, she is still the child and I guess I will have to carry on confiscating her belongings, what a sad way to go though. I really wish it could be different.

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Original poster

Molly100 · 18/02/2009 13:05

So, sadly, today I have confiscated her laptop, ipod, mobile, and also all her designer clothes and ugg boots . For beng rude to me and shouting. I can't take anymore, I really can't. Am sat here crying my heart out. Its halfterm holiday and I was so looking forward to spending time with her. We should have spent a nice day out together shopping but we returned immediately the school shoes had been bought. Now she will be spending the rest of the week (and a lot longer) without her possessions or going out etc. Its holiday time how is that. I am thinking of going away for the wkend by myself because I really feel so down, EVERY day is a battle and I can fight no more

OP posts:

oxocube · 18/02/2009 14:23

Molly - search for some of Custardo's threads on teenagers. She is very wise and makes a lot of sense. So sorry you are feeling so low

BCNS · 18/02/2009 14:41

no exprest here..and have asked wise MN on ds1 (13) before now...
very much agree with pick you battles.. (save your energy for the biggies)

ds is a pain when shopping.. sooo.. he gets an allowence... if he needs it.. it comes out of this.. and he has to put up with what he has chosen.. as for school things.. I now give him.. money as needed and tell him to go shopping... honestly it works.. bit of responablility and all that.. and they tend only to choose crap the once... he also does a lot of online shopping. he choses.. i use my card.. he gives me the cash.

other things.. I generally do the 'put yourself in my shoes' or 'how do you think we need to deal with it' thing.. works for most things.

Original poster

Molly100 · 18/02/2009 14:52

I have often asked her 'what do you think you would do in my shoes', I get a standard response to most questions i ask her - 'I don't know'. After all this and she has seen me crying, she can't even bring herself to apologise - she never does

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BCNS · 18/02/2009 15:02

ewwww don't you just love the 'dunno' response.. enough to drive a person crazy.

It's a hard old time and you have my utter empathy. they are all in between and pushing the boundries like hell at this time. behaving like giant toddlers with attitude. YUK

Original poster

Molly100 · 18/02/2009 15:07

Thnx BCNS, it just makes for such a sad time though. We could be having so much fun

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BCNS · 18/02/2009 15:14

molly.. is dd your only dc?..

just wondering if not you could be getting on and doing fun things with the others.. or even shopping on your own etc.. and sort of ignoring her.. but at the same time.. pop up with ' your more than welcome to come/join in.. when your ready to be pleasant'.

not sure how that would sit with your situation.. but might be worth a go.

Oh and if it makes you feel any better.. I had to physically haul ds1 off ds2 today after he launched a most agressive attack for no reason on him.

but all fine in the house now.

it will pass promise.

Original poster

Molly100 · 18/02/2009 15:31

I have a 10yr DS who she is rude and grumpy towards too. He is out today so we DD and I were supposed to be having a nice day together. I don't go out and leave her alone. for me, when she is rude etc I take it really personally and get upset. I know, I know, I am an adult and should be the bigger person but for me I am such a sensitive and emotional person I let it get to me. I am not really talking to her now unless I have to and she has been told to sort her room out. I keep going in and checking and generally keeping on top of her. I was NEVER rude to my mother or raised my voice to her, thats probably why I find this so unbearably hard - I just DON'T UNDERSTAND it. Glad your boys are friends again now.

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Pimmpom · 18/02/2009 22:56

I know how hard it is Molly but I do agree with the advice 'pick your battles'. I would try and take a step back. You say you kept going in and checking she was sorting her room out. Was it really about her room or were you upset because you were supposed to be having a nice day together and she spoilt it? Apologies if way off the mark but I can recognise myself there Angry over something then picking up on everything else and getting annoyed.

I try and get things in perspective, messy bedrooms are not worth getting into a battle with - there will be bigger ones coming along . I just think to myself if I make a huge fuss over an untidy bedroom, what impact will I be able to make when alcohol, drugs, sex etc come along (well hopefully they won't of course )

It is bloody hard though, especially when you are feeling tired, fed up etc. Take care xx

morningsun · 19/02/2009 10:21

i know what you mean about being well behaved at that age and not understanding it.
My dd is 15 and has recently been behaving quite differently from before being rude etc
Iloved being 15 and can't understand doing bad things like swearing when you could be doing good things[i was very into self improvement at that age]I think you have to realise they are different people or going thru a different stage in their lives.
i set high standards for my own behaviour now and then and have to say i find it comes over as being v spoilt[i'm sure she had her own way far too much and now wants to be in charge]
unfortunately a lot of her new friends seem to be like this.She changed friends due to fallout from a long illness and i am v understanding in general but find i can't excuse things she has a choice about like being rude
However altho thats my view,i read "how to talk so teens will listen,how to listen..."and try to communicate well and enable her to take responsibility for her choices and decisions while being on her side
try the book its quite good[on amazon]

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