Help, Internet Danger Advice, Please

[Tillyboo]

If anyone can offer any useful advice on this dilemma I'd be really grateful. OK, here goes, sorry it may be quite long ..

1. My sis is a single parent with two teenage girls aged 13 and 16.She's had problems with both girls, they don't respect her one little bit and my sis had to drive around tonight looking for the 13 yo.

The 13 yo we have just discovered has been having quite emotional conversations with a man/ boy calling himself one of the Jonas brothers. For example she's been telling him that she loves him and that her life is 'shit' at home.

My niece by the way has a teenage crush on the band - all quite normal - I loved Donny Osmond ! But, why is this person calling himself by one of the Jonas bros names and engaging in convo's with a young girl ? - is it to home in/ groom, whatever you want to call it, vunerable young girls?

My niece has denied this even though my sis presented her with the internet evidence i.e. messages saved on msn. She screamed abuse at my sister - she cannot control her anger at the best of times - and I heard her call my sis an 'F'ing bitch' while I was on the phone to her.

My sis is in tears, the father is about as helpful as a chocolate teapot but I still think he should be told and share the burden of this problem.

My sis has explained the dangers of talking to people via the internet e.g you don't know who they really are, the dangers of abduction, rape or murder etc.

My sis also discovered tonight that my nieces friend has actually met up with 'her' internet chat 'friend'. She is 13, the man is 21 and apparently they were kissing etc.

My sis thinks she should tell the mother and has asked me what I think she should do. To me it's simple. I asked her if she'd want to be told if my niece had met up with a man. And also, god forbid, if anything terrible did happen to her dd's friend, could she live with her conscience of not telling this girls mother.
What would you do ?

Oh, and to cap it all, her other daughter told her this evening that she is going on the pill tomorrow ! I told my sis that looking on the positive side, she was honest with her mum and is being sensible - as long as she uses a condom too !

So :

1. How should my sister handle this internet issue. Has anyone been through this ?

1. Should she tell her dd's friends mum about the girl meeting this strange man and engaging in physical activities with him.

My god, I was still climbing trees at 13

i liken the internet and teenagers to toddlers and a jar of sweeties

if you leave the jar of sweeties where the toddler can get at it - then you walk in and the toddler is sat there amongst the empty wrappers

...whose fault is it?

its really your fault as the parent.

same with the internet,if youchild is looking at porn or contactingpeople they really shouldn't there are two choices

decent net nanny

have the bloody thing turned off.

quite frankly with the way they have been acting i would get it turned off.
i would cut plugs off everything
andmost controversially, i would contact social services and askthem for help

they won't be very much help at all but may signpost your sis to other agencies in the local area that can help.

however it should then be on record that she askedfor help....you know when the police call them in after your neice is found on the streets.

i would also tell your sis to have a full and frank conversation with her children about social services and being taken into care

it comes down to this - you ae my responsability intul you are 18.

if you start acting in a manner which undermines my parenting to the point where social services see me as ineffectual or you as out of control then you will be taken into care.

set new rules for a new regime

bed time
telly time
homework time
and chores - lordy lordy - chores!
the amount of time they are allowed out
who they are allowed out with
where they will be
what time they have to be home
mobile phones and internet access are a luxury to be earned, they are withdrawn and may be re-introduced at weekends depending on behaviour.

the 16 yo seems to be enlightened - my 15 yo is on the pill - my request, i think she might need support and advice from time to time and it would be a great oppertunity for mum to be a source of support instead of just an adversary.

be firm and check up on them

if they say they ae staying at a mates house - get the address andphone number, take her there, talk to the mum and tell the mum you expect that they should be inside for 7pm ( or whatever)

my daughter tried using - the trains are late- as an excuse - tonight i had her on the mobile - waiting whilst i phoned the train people to check whether there had been disruptions to the service

there had

i apologised for doubting her but expressed concern that she didn't better plan her journey

she said she was sorry,, and that , yes, it was remiss of her to not better plab her journey.

a row was avoided - becuase we have a culture of saying sorry if we are wrong - rather than trying to 'front' or back up arguments made in error becuase of some false pride - so its important to apologise and to get your children to apologise to you and to each other at the end of an argument.

forgot to say that the new rules - should be a discussion -

the discussion is really just for show, becuase we qall know our children soif i say bedtime should be 8 o'clock they will be okwith me conceeding that ok 9.30 it is.

they get to pick chores, and this can be reviewd from time to time

we did a review yesterday.

Custado - just wanted to say that I hope you are around when my dss are teenagers.

Tillyboo - wise words from Custado. Can you get your ds onto MN? Sounds like she could do with a lot of support.

Custardo, you are so wise and wonderful ! Thank you so much. I am going to pass on your words to my sister - the difficulty we (as in my parents and I) have is that my sister suffers from depression and isn't the strongest parent in the world to instill rules.

We've had chore rotas drawn up, rules etc. and they seem to fall by the wayside because my sister doesn't maintain the momentum.

But, having said that, things have taken a more serious turn and she's at the stage whereby she just can't cope anymore and has talked about both girls going to live with their father - which would mean a change of schools etc.

I think the candid talk with the girls about social services is a sensible suggestion (if only as a warning) but I know the younger dd will shout, scream and throw the mother of all hissy fits and storm off upstairs. We'll have to tie her to a chair .

I can support my sister and be there when we talk to the girls but at the end of the day it's my sister who's ultimately responsible, but I worry she's not strong enough

I have tried on several occasions to get her to join MN, told her that she'd get support, help and advice and at least know she's not alone in her problems. She can be incredibly frustrating at times and is a glass half empty person.
My mum & I feel such nags sometimes but it's no good telling her 'Yeah, your life is crap, life sucks, why do you have such bad luck?'

Thank you once again, I'll update on the situation at a later date

cheers

I'm with Custy on this! If this had been me, my internet would be disconnected, cable cut off the computer and I'd be out on my ear (am 19 but still live at home...)

Block MSN
Block Facebook
Block Myspace
Block Bebo

Basically, block social networking sites. The trust that comes with them has to be earned and they've obviously not earnt it.

Now, I have had internet on my computer (in my room) for about 6 years, and was on the web supervised before that, but this has come from a LOT of trust being built up, I know if I were to abuse it, I'd lose it.

So that means:
Trying not to get viruses
No arranging to meet people online (I've got lots of people from forums on my FB, but my mum's on there anyway...)

Mum will occasionally come in here, do updates on the computer, etc, I don't know if she looks at my history, she might, but I've nothing to hide. We see it as, what the other does online is their business, unless they think safety might be a concern, although now I'm older that isn't much of an issue.

Sorry, rambling but really hope something's helped.

I agree. I have banned my daughter from the family computer but I cannot stop her using internet cafe or school.

Kids know how to get round school computers so its really hard to monitor.

My daughter has met up with lots of strangers, when she was younger i grounded her but when she hit 18 i was more limited to what i can do. The 13 year old is out of control and the father HAS to step in if he cares about his daughter.

I for one am sick of sites like MSN, Bebo, Myspace. These sites have ruined our lives and I want them strictly monitored or banned.

I have just setup a group on Facebook, I know this is another Networking site but I feel his is more for adults.

Please join my group and hopefully together we can make a difference. I also know quite a bit about computers and can give you some aadvice.

www.facebook.com/home.php?#/group.php?gid=50604479510

www.facebook.com/home.php?#/group.php?gid=50604479510

Sorry just tried link and it doesn't work! Login to your FB account and search for

Do your teenagers use Networking sites for the wong reasons

Thanks Jo