help please or lots of coffee..

[BCNS]

it's in chat for a general audience.. but am putting it here as well for you folks..

Ds1 is drving me nuts. he goes skiing tomorrow.. paid for by exPILs. this week hasn't been one of ds1's best tbh.. we have had major teen shouts and sulks.. winding up of the other 2 dc's until they have screamed and cried. He has started hitting dd (5)and ds2 (10) DS1 is 13 nearly 14. He is too big for me to physically stop him and put him somewhere else.

Pocket money has stopped.. Laptop has been banned and as far as I am concerned here he is grounded.

But he basically just laughs at both Dh and myself and says there is nothing we can really do about it.
We have talked to him.. we have explained that it isn't acceptable.. which when he has calmed down he agrees with. But he also seems to enjoy the attention of the 1-1 ( god knows why.. he gets a good amount of nice 1-1 attention as it stands).

expils and exdh seem to not be concerned by this behaviour at all. ( it happenes when the ds's visit them and they ignore it).

I have told him that if he doesn't stop .. he will not be going on the ski trip.. to which he answered " well you can't stop me, you didn't pay for it".
And tbh if I do try and stop him.. expils and exdh will end up taking me to court .. trust me on this.. they have taken me on much smaller things ( they are bullies). and I ought not really say something I would have issues backing up.

Any ideas of what next .. or anyone had sinilar??.. or just pass a large cup of coffee please ..

Coffee? You need wine - dahling!!

You are well shot of exh and expils, but how difficult for you.

Imagine the peace and quiet you will have when he is skiing - enjoy it! I think he will have to go - you need the break tbh. It might even help him to grow up and realise this behaviour is not acceptable or the norm with others.

Wretched child is obviously playing you off against exh (can't bear to put in the "d"!) and enjoying it. Physical abuse of siblings has to stop. Are there other sanctions you can impose? Sounds like you have been sensible thus far.

Teenage tantrums are the pits but fact of life. Have you surfed web for useful sites?

I'm sorry I haven't any better suggestions for you, but I think you are doing great and I think you should keep going and not let DS1 or ex's beat you down. Don't give up!

Thank you CD.. I have wondered about family therapy as a last resort..barring that I have totally run out of ideas TBH.

I can cope with the tantrums.. it's the hitting out bit.

(I suppose it could be a hell of a lot worse..I console myself in this.. but I will not tollerate voilence)

they are bullies).
Sounds like he gets his genes from exDH and exPILs. Rise above him and let him go - I agree you need the peace- but let him know that you won't tolerate bullying behaviour and you will stop other trips in future. You may not be able to stop him going but you could tell him that if he continues to hurt his siblings you will have to inform his school and they may decide that they don't want to take such a child on the trip. Our school trips are always on the proviso that the child is well behaved whether you've paid or not!
You have to make sure that he knows that you have the upper hand even if you don't believe it yourself
By the way are they full siblings do you mind me asking?

ds2 is full sibling dd is half..and no I don't mind you asking.

well I decided to tell him he was going on the trip but that his behaviour has been disgusting and future trips would be have to be earnt through good behaviour, right up to the point going.

this was followed by shouting and yelling and screaming aimed at me... about how I never do this or that.. and that his life was awful blah blah blah.( I stopped listening tbh)

basically he had got the trip and was pushing boundries even more.. grrrr.
I calmly said.. " I will not listen to your tantrum.. I have had enough, there is a line which I know you will push.. but you have just leapt over it." I gave the you are in big do do mummy look.

things have calmed down.. he has said sorry.

so at least he won't leave on bad terms..

well done!All will be well.

First of all, what your son is doing is annoying but entirely normal. My middle son is the same age and he's taken to pushing the nine year old into the nearest wall every time my back is turned! Have you discussed his behaviour with your ex, has he talked to him about it, and are you united on the rules and regs and strategies for for DS1? If not, and if your son's response to everything is 'Dad would let me' or 'I'm telling Nan and Grandad, they'll take my side' then perhaps it's time you suggested he went to live with his dad for a while! Don't worry - he'll only last 6 months at the most. There's nothing like a reality check for both sides to see that perhaps you need a bit more respect from all concerned.

yes my first thought was let him go and stay with his dad, maybe over the summer, so both sides can see the grass isn't greener