My son has turned into a monster

[desertmum]

I know it's his hormones and I know it's fairly normal but my daughter has got to 14 without too much stress. My son now 12 has turned into a monster literally overnight. He's rude, answers back, says no when we ask him to do something, gives us the sneery look when asked to do his homework. He's gone from a loving, likeable boy to a horror. Please please tell me it will pass.

aaaaaaaaaaagh

Willow65 - In answer to your post, this sounds exactly the same as my DS1 age 14. Uncontrollable rages and swearing, smashing bedroom doors when he doesn't get what he wants or doesn't like what he hears. He says he hates us more than life itself and can't wait for us to die (usually adding that he wouldn't come to our funerals anyway). It's absolutely heartbreaking. DS1 has been referred to CAMHS also. At the first appointment they can see nothing to indicate why he behaves like this but are going to dig a bit deeper. We have no idea why he is like this now...he was a great kid, had a happy life with loving parents and super grandparents and good friends etc but he seems to have lost his way a bit but we are doing what we can to help him although sometimes you just feel like you can't go on with it anymore. The things he says to us are just so hurtful. It has affected the whole family. I find it helps to talk to people about it. I wish you all the best.

It is so refreshing to discover that I am not the only one having problems with a teenage DS1 (13 years old). My beautiful, bright talented DS1 who attends grammar school has also turned into a very angry monster and has regular violent rages and is now very close to be excluded from school and referred to a Pupil Referral Unit. I have been divorced from his father for 5 years and after having my DS1 assessed by CAMHS (Child Adolescent Mental Health Service) it appears that as he has hit adolescense all the anger from the last 5+ years has erupted. Life is a living hell at the moment for all of us ( I also have a DS2 of 10 years old). Coupled with these rages he is impossible to talk to, argues with everthing I say and ask him to do and on occassion is downright rude and shows no respect to me or any authority - this behaviour goes against all the values I believe he has been taught and observed in the family. I know this message does not really offer any help or advice but all you mums out there with very difficult angry early teenage DS's and DD's - hang in there, there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel . . . . .

RainbowLady - I so sympathise with your reply, your situation does indeed sound very similar, my heart goes out to you. My DS1 has sadly seen his parents divorce however has a very good life, goes to an excellent school has an abundance of love from friends and family and more opportunities than I could ever have dreamed of. Like you sometimes I feel I just cannot cope with it anymore and I am actually considering counselling for myself as I feel such a failure as a parent at the moment and am beside myself with worry for how my DS1 is going to turn out. All a parent wants is for their children to be happy and be well-rounded adults and at the moment my DS1 is not looking good on either count!! There are times when I look at my DS1, who I love so desperately, and I really dont like him and almost want him to go away and leave me and my DS2 to get on with our lives as DS1 appears to be on self destruct and hurting all those around him who love him. It breaks my heart that I can even think like this and the guilt is overwhelming - this is why I am considering some counselling for myself. I think you need to perserve with CAMHS and consider getting some support for yourself as I am sure you must be having similar feelings to me. Keep in touch and let me know how you get on - very best wishes

Hello All, I have just googled 'son turns into monster' and found this thread, Thank God! I am feeling awful, have been crying and now wondering with what attitude I approach tomorrow morning. DS turned 12 just 2 weeks ago and for about 4 weeks now he has become someone/something else! Ignores everything I say and does the opposite, hates me at least 3 times a day and we had an almighty row this evening over the way he spoke to me, absolutely unbelievable! He is my eldest and it appears that everything I have taught him over the last 12 years re manners, behaviour and respect has gone out of the window! I love him to the ends of the earth but really don't like him v much at the minute! Although I expected some teenage behaviour to rear it's ugly head I thought I would have at least another couple of clear years yet. What I need to be advised on is how to handle the blatant lack of respect and the ignoring me, surely you cant just let it go as this means they have got away with something and will continue to it again? Help!

Hello again - sorry it's been a while since I posted.

Willow, thank you so much for your support on here. We have had so much going on these last few weeks with DS1. Much the same behaviour at home but now rather than mainly venting at home, his behaviour at school is becoming a problem too. CAMHS have put us in touch with their Family Therapist and we have a session booked soon. I have been speaking to a friend of mine who deals with children with similar problems to my DS1 and she is of the opinion (and I have to say that I agree with her) that we have allowed DS1 to become more powerful than us in terms of the family dynamic and that for things to change we must take that power/control back from him (whilst we still can). As you can imagine this will take some doing and cannot be achieved without difficult and I suspect ultimately physical (on his part) confrontation. As I understand it, if we don't take action now, we will have even more difficulties later on. This makes sense and so we are going to have to give it a go even if it means things could get ugly! Willow, please talk to someone and get some support. Have you telephoned Parentline? They were very helpful when I rang them a few months ago? It is important to realise that you have not failed as a parent, you have given your son a good home with love and support. I find the verbal abuse and lack of respect the worst aspects to deal with but I have tried to harden myself up to it and I do not allow myself to cry in front of him now as I now see that he thrives on finding my weaknesses and uses this to his advantage. I find it difficult to write these things about my child whom I love dearly and cannot believe that this is happening but we need to stay strong to win the battle with the ultimate aim that our children come out the other side all the better for it.
Mums the Word - had I posted on here two years ago when my DS1 showed the first signs of his decline, my post would have been similar to yours. I can only advise you to do all you can so that you do not lose the control as a parent. Be firm, be hard and don't take any prisoners as I believe that it will pay off in the long run. This is obviously easier said than done but good luck with it. I believe you are right when you say that if you let them get away with it, they will continue to do it and as time goes on, they will push you further and further until you can no longer control the situations you find yourself in.

I am thinking of you both and keep me posted on how things are going for you.

Oh, I'm so glad I found this thread. My DS (who was diagnosed with ADHD and attachment disorder some years ago) is now 13½ years old and is totally obnoxious!! While I love him dearly, I don't much like him at the moment.

The posts from Willow65 and Rainbowlady sound so familiar. I know it's not much - but I really understand how you're feeling - I'm there too.

On the plus side, my friends and the school, all say that DS is polite, well spoken and nice to them. It's just when he's home that he becomes so awful. He's rude, he swears at us, he hates us, he throws things, he's taken to picking up objects to threaten us with. And yet when he's in a good mood - he's loving, kind, hugs us, spends time with us.

I have to admit that I'm not enjoying the teenage years so far. I hope that DS is going to be one of the ones who grows out of it sooner rather than later. I can hope - it makes life a bit more bareable.

I know that both DH and are are good parents, but it's so hard when you have to cope with such behaviour in your DS. We have firm rules and stick to them too (perhaps that's the problem). Anyway, I suppose this thread has made me feel less alone. Thanks for that.