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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS 15 wants a girl for a sleepover ??????

49 replies

fizzbuzz · 23/01/2009 11:05

He says she has a boyfriend, but my ds and her are good friends (I've never met her).

He sleeps in the attic, so I can't always monitor what is happeneing. He reckons they will stay up until 1.00am, and the go to sleep in seperate rooms...but on the same floor (the other attic)...

I have said No, but apparently everyone else is allowed to do this

I don't feel happy or comfortable about it. He has stopmed off to school in a strop. I'm not really being a mean old witch am I?

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 23/01/2009 17:32

lol fizzbuzz

think you've been very reasonable actually! Sounds like she might have been putting ideas in his head?

bubblagirl · 23/01/2009 17:36

when iw as at school my best friends were male no intentions to ever do anything id sleep in same bed as them but we never kissed or touched ever we have been best friends for 15 yrs now and would still share a bed never anything else in it at all

but its up to you and how much you trust your son

atowncalledalice · 23/01/2009 17:39

DS1 (17) constantly has sleepovers with his two best friends (one boy, one girl). But, like the poster above, they are a very tight-knit group and he has been friends with this girl since they were 18 months old!

Original poster

fizzbuzz · 23/01/2009 18:50

I don't know what "there is no point " means , ds has sloped off out withut me being able to pinpoint this.

However am pretty pissed off with a girl I have never met, as I have offered her the hospitality of our house, and as it doesn't meet her exacting standards she can't be bothered.

Cheeky Madam....I wish ds was still 5, cute cuddly and entirely controllable

OP posts:

thebunsmum · 26/02/2009 23:08

Actually i am looking for some help with similar problem myself. My 16 year old DD thinks it is ok to sleep in the same bed as her
current boyfriend and insists that nothing will happen. She is adament that she will wait and is not taking any precautions.I am worried sick but she says that at least two of her other friends are doing this.Whatever I say it always leads to an argument any advice gratefully received please

JudyA · 27/02/2009 09:09

I had this with DS2 a while back when he wanted his female friend to sleep over. Apparently they weren't going out, though there seemed to be a lot of hugging involved

I thought about it for quite a while but as they were both 16 I worked on the premise that if they were going to do anything, they'd do it anyway. DS2 was very annoyed when I had a word in his ear about contraception as I honestly think that sex was the furthest thing from their minds, but I was still glad I'd said it as I wanted him to know I'd rather stumble across a pack of condoms in his room than become a grandma!

thebunsmum · 27/02/2009 09:19

Thanks for your reply JudyA it really helps to know that someone else has encountered this sort of thing, i dont feel quite so alone. I have advised her of consequences especially as he is 21 but she insists it isnt like thatjust hope that she isnt kidding herself and me!!!

pagwatch · 27/02/2009 09:22

thebunsmum

"she insists it isn't like that"

IT IS EXACTLY LIKE THAT !.

accept it or don't. But do not please believe that a twenty one year old is sharing a room with a sixteen year old girl and nothing is happening.

thebunsmum · 27/02/2009 10:25

Yes I know it sounds naive, but as I understand it, he is very young for his age, lives at home and only has friends who are around the age of sixteen, he likes to stay at home and watch TV and his tastes are very childish. My DD says that he respects her and would not do anything if she refuses. He has only had one other girlfriend who he was seeing for 5 years and it sounds very innocent. According to a friend, her son who is 22 has often had girls over and slept in same room and nothing happens.I know it sounds awful, but I have never had any reason to distrust DD before and she says things have changed since my day,I want to trust her but Sorry this is so long but it's got to me

bagsforlife · 27/02/2009 10:30

Yes, I was going to post 'don't believe her'.

Whether she believes it or not, she needs to know about contraception or needs you to tell her not to share a bed with a 21 year old, even if she genuinely thinks nothing is going to happen (and I can believe that she may think this).

You need to spell it out to her. If she gets cross, so be it, but you need to tell her in no uncertain terms what may or may not happen. She will thank you for it in the long run, even if she's nasty about it now.

bagsforlife · 27/02/2009 10:34

Sorry, posted that before your last post. Didn't mean to sound so bossy!! apologies.

thebunsmum · 27/02/2009 15:17

Thank you for your advice. You don't sound bossy to me in fact I have explained all the consequences with her and yes she is nasty about it, in fact I've had the " I can do what I like and I could leave if I want to" speech and now I am beginning to think that there is nothing else that I can do, but it hurts like hell!!! I feel really helpless and she is like a complete stranger I feel so stressed by her that I feel like distancing myself from her is this wrong or just a normal reaction?

mamas12 · 27/02/2009 21:40

I might go along the path of talking to him and making sure he knows you thinks its iffy.
Are his parents aware, I know sound silly seeing as is 21. but from what you say maybe they need to know too. Is it to be at your house, good then you can monopolise his attention and constantly interupt with snacks and drinks and stuff.

Heated · 27/02/2009 22:03

Dh says, "yeah right" about "young horny kids sharing beds as 'friends'" & reminds me what he was like as a teenager. He has a point.

thebunsmum · 01/03/2009 23:38

Thanks for all your comments and helpful advice. I have spent most of weekend trying to get through, unfortunately, my DD hates me even more[is that possible?] since I have tried to point out the obvious and my DH is hopeless, he just makes benign comments [might as well have a lodger!] I feel ALONE and wish I could run away. My friends say I should speak to the mum,i threatened once but my DD says " If you do I'll sleep with him anyway just to get back" Sorry I am sick of reading my own comments I just don't want her to get hurt. This 21 year old had just finished with a girl he had been seeing for 5 years, so he has just swapped her it seems and he is so mean he only just asked her out this weekend and wants her to visit Bournmouth with him and his parents and grandparents over Easter ,staying in a hotel sharing same room, same bed (but no sex) and it costs £180, he is putting £80 towards it he is a full time mechanic and she has Sunday job 4 hours!! Please help if you can!!

spoiltforchoice · 02/03/2009 00:18

Put your foot down and say no. If you can't, well, you've lost control of her. Start knitting booties....

MadamDeathstare · 02/03/2009 01:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 02/03/2009 03:42

my kids have had sleepovers of the opposite sex. its seperate rooms and common sense. its not a big deal

Scorta · 02/03/2009 06:00

I wouldn't even occur to me to say no to this
No big deal as Custy says

notsoclever · 02/03/2009 07:11

I had a similar problem recently with my dd who is 16. Her bf (also 16) was staying over and the agreement was for separate beds in separate rooms. When we got up in the morning they were in the same room .

I went into her room, woke them up and made her bf move to the spare room (it was very early when I got up). Later, when they were both up for breakfast I made it clear that I was not pleased, and that he had been allowed to stay on the basis that they would be in separate rooms. They were very embarrassed and apologetic and they said they it was a mistake and that they had "just fallen asleep".

I spoke to dd about it later once her bf had gone home to make it absolutely clear how I expected them to behave when they were here (and elsewhere). When she then stayed at his house, I spoke to his parents to check on the arrangements.

However, I do recognise that she is 16. I have talked to her about contraception, STD and choice. It is a difficult one because I do not think she is mature enough to be in a sexual relationship, but hey I remember what I was like at her age!

tatt · 02/03/2009 09:24

my children aren't quite at this stage yet but I can see it coming very soon and really don't know what to do. Once they are over 16 it's legal and if they want to they will find a place. So maybe it's best to make sure it's somewhere where contraception is available and you know about it and can help pick up the pieces? We've had discussions about valuing yourself, that you should always be aware contraception isn't 100% reliable, how you'd feel if there was a baby to bring up and how I felt when a teenager (I was a late starter).

When so many teenagers are having sex even before 16 how do you persuade the less mature it might be too much for them to handle?

tatt · 02/03/2009 09:26

btw can I say that I had a boyfriend a lot older than me and my parents were really worried. He had respect for the innocent and the maturity to restrain his impulses, not something that was true of the teens I went out with.

thebunsmum · 02/03/2009 14:24

I have read all the comments so far, and I do feel much better in my mind than I did before. I have only just joined Mumsnet and I can honestly say that it has helped so much to know that others have gone through similar situations that I now find myself in I still feel very concerned because DD has told me that she would go into his room even if we insisted on booking another, simply because she does not want to be alone!. I have decided that I will probably speak to his Mum if I can contact her alone to discuss my concerns, but I am aware that failing any headway with this I don't think that I have any other options left she is a 16 year old, albeit a very naive one. A friend of mine who knows DD well says that she thinks that she is living out the plot lines of one of the many teen programs she continually watches eg Skins, which makes me angry that she can be so daft, she is studying for A-levels and planning to go to University although the studying has also become secondary since meeting him Anyway thank you all, hope we get through this without heartache

kentmumtj · 18/03/2009 10:47

Hi Guys
Interesting hearing peoples views on this
my view would be to say no.

I have only just allowed my 17 and nearly 16 year olds B/F's into their bedrooms when visiting. They are up in the attic to.

I dont hink its about trust so much as not wanting to put them in a place where they can feel tempted. After all we were all young once and i can remember how tempting it can be.

I allow my childrens friends to visit the house and stay late but only friends of the same sex can sleep over.

so far it works and they respect my house rules and decisions.

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