Teens, booze & Under-18's nights!

[mummyflood]

Had a 'chat' with 2 of my friends today, during which my just 15yr old DS was referred to as 'squeaky clean', slightly sarcastically, because - to my knowlege - he doesnt drink, smoke, isnt interested in u18's nights or underage sex. He is however in all other ways a typical lad of his age - bolshy, lazy, outdoorsy, moody, etc - all of which we discuss and compare on a regular basis, as you do!! I was also called 'holier than thou', apparently meant in a nice way, because I tried to explain that we try to discuss these issues and ask the DS's what THEY think, and how they would expect us to react if we found they had been indulging. We believe that if they ask questions about anything they should be given honest factual answers as much as possible (they are 15 and 13).

DD (14) of one friend together with 3 or 4 of DD's same aged friends go to an u-18's night 2 or 3 times a month, and if they get ready at my friends house are given 4 cans of either lager, cider, or 2/3 bottles of WKD to share before they go. Bought and provided by my friend. Their business of course, but do you think either this or the fact that DS of my other friend, who is included in this, doesn't think cider is 'proper' alcohol??! and claims not to have covered any alcohol issues at all in PSCHE at school (yr 10 now) are issues??

Apparently its me that is out of step, because 'they are all doing these things, it's the 21st Century'!! So am I??

not sure what your asking

no perhaps its not noral or a 15 year old to be squeeky clean - but their parenting seems to leave a lot to be desired.

i am sure you will bet masses of mumsnetters saying youare fab and they are waynettas.

but i think they have a point - in an odd way.

buy hay ho

I don't think you are out of step at all. If you have an open honest chat with your kids about "teenage issues" then at least they know where they stand. My DS is 15 and as far as I am aware is not into drinking etc, which I am so pleased about as I was a terrible teen and got into stupid and risky situations far to young.

Not sure about your "friends" making you question yourself - believe me, be proud that your son is squeeky clean, would they prefer it if he had a few asbo's?

As for giving teenagers booze, its a tricky one as they'll get it if they are determined enough. But its a fine line between being relaxed and being irresponsible, not to mention being embarrassing, trying to "get down with the kids"!

What I'm asking is are my kids and myself in the minority or majority, because friend who provides the alcohol said it's inevitable that all 3 lots of our kids (6 in total, ranging from almost 12 to 15) will eventually begin underage drinking, will most likely have underage sex and will smoke. She says that its the 21st Century and they are all doing it, and the squeaky clean comment was said in the vein of him being abnormal for not being interested in any of this as yet. I resent the implication that good, imo age appropriate behaviour is abnormal.

peterbaby - good question, would they prefer it if he had a few asbos. I am getting vibes that they see him as 'uncool' and 'boring'. The 40-odd year old Mums that is, not the kids!!!

Custardo, if you are still reading, could you explain what you mean by you think they have a point in an odd way? - ta!

I would not let it bother you that your pals might think your DS is "uncool." Who are they to judge anyway? My DS thinks most things I like/do are uncool and I was a young mum when I had him so am only 32! Also just to add that of course some teenagers are going to experiment with alcohol, sex etc but is does not have to be the rule.
I think the main thing in these difficult years is to guide them right and what's right for your family rather than looking to anyone else for "the rules."

I think it is all too easy to think that 'everyone is doing it'. Actually, quite a lot of teens aren't doing it all...some are, but also some aren't. I think it depends on the circle you are mixing with.

I am on 3rd teen now and my older DCs didn't really get going until they were in the 6th form. They didn't drink to excess etc until then, although have made up for it since. There were definitely odd occasions/parties when they did but it wasn't the norm, by any means. They were not goody goodies either.

I certainly did not buy them/provide them with booze until they were about 17. (And we as parents drink quite a lot too).

I don't think your son should be viewed as 'uncool' or 'boring' at all. As you say, it is the mums not the kids who probably think that.

I really think some mums can't wait to encourage in a weird way their children to become 'professional teenagers' as soon as possible. My theory is they were 'goody goodies' when they were young and want them to experiment in the way they weren't allowed to!

Also agree with peterbaby, trying to be 'down with the kids' is about the worst, most embarrassing thing you can possibly do. Teenagers absolutely hate and detest any grown person who thinks they may be 'cool' etc. because, however cool and trendy they may think they are, compared to teens they most certainly aren't.

No you are not out of step. I would not like my 16 year old to be given alcohol at a friends house. It is giving them the wrong message that you have to drink to enjoy yourself.

Also wanted to add that if your DS is not following along with the crowds of teenagers all downing booze, taking drugs and having sex with anything that moves, he is showing strength of character and individuality - traits which will serve him well in the big grown up world.
Wait and see how your friends kids turn out and then you can really polish your 'holier than thou' halo!

Phew, I feel quite reassured. Surprised I wasnt flamed actually.

bagsforlife, you have described my friends outlook to a 't' in your last paragraph. Lol at 'professional teenagers' - perfect expression! Exactly the words I would use when I think about her current outlook. From what you've said about your teens, that's pretty much how I see mine going along hopefully. You could not describe them as goody goodys by any stretch of the imagination - not heard that expression for a while Its also interesting that you say you drink a fair bit but did not provide them with booze until about 17. That was also almost thrown back at me - we dont drink much at all at home, so therefore apparently my kids are naive as a result as far as alcohol is concerned.

peterbaby - thanks also for your last sentence in post at 21.31. That really sums up our parenting philosophy, but after Tuesdays goings on, it is clear that my friends are on the complete flip side of the coin unfortunately. Future chats will avoid parenting styles like the plague, and I will continue to be as proud of my two DS as I am now!!

(MF polishes halo before it strangles her!! )

Don't know where I dragged up the phrase 'goodie goodie' from!!! But, just to re-iterate, they most certainly aren't, and they have had their, erm, 'moments' shall we say.

I can really sympathise with you as it seems as though not ramming alcohol down your dear teens throat at the first opportunity seems to be regarded as strange!

I can't imagine why anyone would want to encourage them to drink heavily at 14 or whatever. It just seems completely mad to me.

Your friends sound a little bit defensive to me. Nowt like different parenting styles to get people's hackles up. Take no notice!

Also I don't really buy the 'lesser of 2 evils / at least we know what they're up to' kind of argument for plying kids with booze. And I also hope your friend asked the other kids' parents first.

good for u mummyflood, there needs to be some sense out there. I could easily be cool, relaxed teen mum, but have learned from own mistakes. Need to have boundaries, and actually have found that if am pushed and stand my ground ie coming home at 11 rather than 11:30 no matter what has actually worked and am respected for it rather than trying to be 'cool' about curfew times! Whoohoo I am wise adult, how did that happen?

mummyflood... you are not out of step.

My DS is 17 and hates the taste of alcohol, has never even been to a school disco (never mind U18s nightclub thingy) and he hates smokers.

(I think he might have shagged his gf though)

Thanks, guys.

Have just had a mighty strop fest with DS1 about lazy attitude, taking us all for granted, etc. etc...then a letter arrives in the post from one of his teachers praising him for his exemplary attitude, effort & behaviour on one of his GCSE courses...oh the contrary nature of kids!! Coincidentally this week they have been covering alcohol issues on this very course, in relation to health & fitness within the uniformed services - he wants to go into the RAF.

Hmmm!!