My 14 yr old dd is experimenting with sex!

[katinat]

I read a converstaion she left on her computer screen between she and her 15 yo bf. Sounds like they have been doing a little fooling around but doesn't sound full blown yet.( no details ) The boy is very nice, nice parents who supervise them as we do ( don't know where they found the time or place!!!)
I want to kick his ass and just shake my ddall those talks about sexone thing leading to another so don't even start with the "one thing!" She is extremely smart (skipped a grade and took SAT's at age 12 )and tallvery mature looking and is a mature girl in many ways. She is my oldest child so I'm really wanting to do the right thinghandle it well so I don't push her away. I DON'T want to be a grandma either! What the hell should I do? I have not told her I read the computer screen yet so she has no idea I know anything. She is only allowed to see the bf on Fridays and Saturdays--non-school nights.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Right. Been there and done it. Have 2 DDs. I would say... tread very very carefully.

Firstly, unless you want her to know you have been reading her convos on the computer, you absolutely can't bring anything up yet. She is entitled to some privacy and it's no different to reading her diary. BTW, I am not criticising you in any way cos I have done the same, in that I want to be aware of what my DDs are up to.

So... you need to leave it a few days or a week if you can manage it. Then you need to have a casual chat with her. In your head it won't be a casual chat, but you need to make it seem that way. Maybe do it in the context of some lovely mum/daughter time together (shopping, meal out or similar)

My different chats with my DDs have hinged round valuing themselves. Sympathise with her that you can understand she is going to start experimenting with boys. But stress that there is no going back once she has lost her virginity and that you dont want her to regret it. I wanted my DDs to lose theirs to someone that mattered. I basically spent some time talking but not criticising them. Tell her you think she might be a bit young and suggest she just concentrates on kissing for now. If you come down like a ton of bricks with her, she will just do it anyway.... cos she can.

Good luck

remind her, without letting on how you know, that it is illegal under 16 and she wouldn't want her bf to end up on the register. So remind her to be sensible and careful.
Are they fooling around in your house? Maybe bang on the door and shout 'I can hear you'

Thing is, talks aside, sexual behaviour is not based upon rational thought. She's at an age where hormones and curiosity about sex are likely to lead one thing to another.

14 is too young, I agree, but I wouldn't show her you're stressed about it. Unfortunately, if she's determined to have sex there isn't much you can do about it so best to appear not fussed about it so as not to push her more into it (hard I know!) and do as much as you can to help her do it safely if she's going to. That would be my approach.

my 15 year old daughter has done some fooling around - and i think we make decisions on how to go forward with this knowlege based on our child. my dd is v. sensible and i trust her a lot. She tells me what she gets up to. I would rather have the knowledge and give the advice than think she couldnt talk to me - so i try to keep my face straight and not run around screaming "OMG OMG OMG"

i am of the opinion that its something that they get up to at that age.
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Hope my relationship with my DD when she is 14 is half as good as yours with your dd custy.

Shouting and bawling isn't going to help and she'll feel she can't talk to you. Agree with others about having a casual conversation with her explaining how important her virginity should be and talking about contraceptives etc (should the relationship progress before you speak to her about it again).

ONe thing doesn't always lead to another and fooling around won't necessarily lead to full on sex. Many many years ago I was in relationships from age of 14, and indulged in serious fooling around but didn't have intercourse until 18.

Good advice from helliebean and others but perhaps try to relax, most 14 year olds don't end up pregnant.

just keep talking to her , every so often i used to ask 'pertinent' questions (usually while driving, so not eye to eye, seems to help with the emrassment factor) be calm, accept that it is normal to have boyfriends etc (and fool about a bit), just try to instill a feeling of self worth in her and i reckon she will be fine.

i agree with the other posters, shouting, yelling etc simply won't be of any use at all.

Thanks alljust to clarifyI have not made any fuss at all. She doesn't know that I "know" and I will not share this with her ever. I am appreciating your suggestions and I can't thank you enough. I was so overwhelmed by reading about her activities, that I was at a loss and did nothing
( unlike me--I am a reactive sort of mom )
I will let some time go by and keep a close eye on these 2 on the weekend.

Do you think I should share this info with bf's mom? She would keep it confidential, I'm sure of it. She is a very smart and good/concerned parent. I feel a little weird having this information (but glad). Together, we could really cut down on private time and make it more family. (no doubt dd and bf will hate that!)

My husbands statement regarding finding the conversation left on the computer screen was that it may have been "Freudian". She never forgets to wipe out conversations when she leaves the room. She is so young for such complex issues, it's got to be confusing to her yet desired at the same time.

Do parents actually survive the teenage years? I have 2 younger and it looks like a long haul!

Personally, I would not speak to the boyfriends parents... absolutely not. Just imagine they can't keep their mouths shut, and they mention something to their DS... who in turn then says something to your DD. You have lost a lot of your DDs trust then and she will go behind your back more.

FWIW I don't like getting too friendly with my DDs boyfriends parents (if that makes sense!). When they end up breaking up... whoever finishes with who... it can be hideous if you have got over friendly. Best to keep them at arms length, and sort your own problems with your DD out... without involving them.

Very wise words from Jesuswhatnext... talking whilst in the car to avoid embarrassment is a really good idea. It also means they can't walk out the room whilst you are in the middle of casually saying something!

Oh.. meant to say also.. I really wouldn't make a point of cutting down on their private time together. It will only make them more furtive. That smacks of being of the mindset of keeping them apart... which is not what you're about is it?!

No DON'T speak to her boyfriend's mother. Your DD is a human being with a right to privacy: while you can talk to her and advise her, going behind her back like this is a breach of her trust and unpleasantly controlling behaviour. If she finds out, she will never forgive you. Also, giving her the impression that adults in her life are conspiring behind her back to meddle in her relationship may well make her determined to forge ahead with the sexual side of it to 'show' you she's not a child, which really wouldn't be a good idea.

I have a close friend who works with young people and she says that the legal age of consent is pretty irrelevant to young people who want to have a sexual relationship (although very useful for those who want to wait).

However nopaddle is right, fooling around doesn't always lead to sex - my niece went out with her boyfriend from the age of 15 (he was 18) and despite opportunities did not have sex with him until she was much older.

I also agree with hellibean about not being too drastic about cutting down their time together - they will find a way around it, if that is what they want to do.

I can understand your feeling of being overwhelmed, I have sporadically looked at "private" information of both my dds - mostly I have been reassured about what they are doing, how they are interacting with friends etc, but occasionally I have found information that I would rather not know about. I have accepted that this is the risk of looking at someone else's personal info, and I have had to bite my tongue and curb my rasher instincts, and use these occasions as an opportunity to have a well placed, relevant chat (and as a salutatory reminder to respect their privacy as much as I can bear).

She's 14, not 4. Ask her to go on the pill, inform her that the pill doesn't protect against gonorrhea etc, pull up some information on STDs on the internet, and let her carry on the way she was going - because she's going to anyway, whether you let her or not. If you don't make her have to disobey you to do this,, then disobeying you won't start to feel normal and right to her (as it unfortunately did to me)

Don't assume that because she forgot to wipe the screen she is panicking and wants you to step in and stop it all. It doesn't sound remotely like that to me, that theory sounds like the sort of thing fathers cook up when confronted with evidence of their daughter's sexuality.