Help me, I have no idea how to handle this...

[HelpMeWithThis]

I am in shock, total shock and I need to speak about it. I don't want to use my real name as this is very delicate.

Right basic story. My neighbours had a halloween party and invited my 14, 5 and 3 yr old boys. Normally I would have stayed, I had been throwing up all night the night before and so didn't.

My neighbour has spoken to me tonight and has said that her 11 yr old daughter has said in the past week that whilst she and my 14 yr old were in her bedroom (with 3 small boys) they started messing around and he put his hand down the back of her knickers.

Now, my neighbour is being very rational and totally brilliant about this and says that whilst she nad her DH were very upset about it, they have had time to think and feel it was just a silly 'kid' thing. They don't feel DS premeditated it at all, but just got carried away and stopped as soon as he got his brain into gear and realised it was wrong.

Now, I have come back and spoken to DS about the incident after saying to my neighbour that I needed to hear his side of the story and he has said it did happen. he has been very upset about it and says he has worried about it ever since. He also feels quite disgusted with himself He totally knows it was wrong and knows it wasn't acceptable at all.

I myself do feel it was just a teenager getting carried away and not thinking about his actions, but I have spoken to him about how unacceptable it is...with anyone of any age to do something that they haven't given their consent to.

I am so torn. I love my son unconditionally and he really is such a great boy (and my neighbour has said this herself this evening) but this has scared me. I was abused by my grandfather as a child and can't make any comparisons between this and that. I really believe that he would never do anything like this again...I totally do.

So we have had the chat...I'm going to call DH in a minute, but what next?

I think he was just being a 14 year old boy.

They were 'messing around' you say, but you haven't really been clear about that. Does that mean that they were hugging/kissing - and therefore it progressed from there?

Or is there an inference that he was trying to instigate something that was less consensual?

I would be very careful about what you say to him in terms of what is and isn't acceptable. He is, inevitably, going to want to explore his sexual feelings - I know that he is under age, and she was very young, but please tread carefully with all of this. He is likely to be quite confused about the whole thing.

right, I think that you should be really quite proud of your son.

He got a bit carried away but he stopped himself before things went too far. He is well aware that his actions were wrong and he has obviously been worrying about it for a while now.

What do your neighbours want to happen? Are they just letting you know because they feel you should be aware, or do they want to see him punished in some way? How is the girl? Is she traumatised by it or does she feel it was just a bit of fun (that went too far, I'm not saying it didn't, I'm just trying to gauge how she feels about it)

Your son is NOT an abuser, so you must put your past behind you on this one.

Your DS is a credit to you, HMWT. Not only has he 'owned up' but he sees fully how not-on it was to do what he did. He's only 14 and it does sound like he did a silly kid thing, but to have the maturity to be able to talk to you like that, and to have worried about it ever since, shows what a sound man he's likely to grow up to be. You obviously have a very good relationship.

You're right that there's no comparison between this and the abuse you suffered.

Your neighbours do sound brilliant and, if I may say so, so do you.

Completely normal.

He sounds a confident enlightened lad coming into his hormone years - and a credit to himself and you. You've handled this so brilliantly he knows now he can come to you about anything and feel better afterwards which as you know only too well is what it's all about.

I'd like to think I'd take the same line as the neighbours who I'd probably go back to and say how you appreciate their understanding etc. Presumambly there was nothing else in it or they would have got this feeling from their dd and told you.

As a parent of a young girl(13) I think you have handled it brilliantly, he has suffered "the talk" with you but more importantly he knew it was wrong.

They were messing around that really could mean so many things.

Maybe he should apologise? Is he able to apologise face to face (now I dont think you should insist on that it could be too much for your DS) if not could/would he write out a apology? Nothing to lengthy just a short note.

He is not an abuser, he made an error of judgement. He has learnt from his mistake.

Oh, you have all made me cry. Thankyou for being so kind. That scared part of me was thinking that everyone was going to say he was really awful and he really isn't.

I think the same as all of you, that it was just a 'growing up' thing and he has learnt a very valuable lesson from this. To clarify, they were just being silly, silly dancing etc and things just went a bit too far.

I have just spoken to DH (he is working away) and he is obviously shocked. He is going to have a talk with DS, but he says he really wants to outline the seriousness of all of this. How that if our neighbours weren't being so rational, things could have been a whole lot worse than they are now. I am being the 'mum', so while I have told DS that this is totally unacceptable, a part of me still needed to give him a cuddle and tell him it was normal and it would be ok, DH, while he loves him unconditionally, wants him to have that shock, to know how serious it is.

The girl is fine, she just wants to forget it. But while I am not excusing DS's behaviour AT all, DH has just mentioned on the phone that he has felt that the girl has been unacceptably flirtatious with him in the past and he has tried to make sure he hasn't been around her alone.

Thank you MrsWeasley, 'an error of judgement' is totally the right phrase.

Dh will want to be the stern dad, especially as he has just heard - but he seems to have had a really measued calm response too! Your kicking parenting ass in your house! You could have hit the roof afterall adn in reality many boys would have been told horrible things for this and made to feel small and disgusting .

Being serious, if he were a small and disusting person he wouldn't have had this thoughtfull and caring reaction. To have empathy at 14 'aint bad!

We all want our kids to be able to tell us anything at all ,so we have to take the rough with the smooth and hear of the mistakes too. They will make them as they are human. I know I did!!

Lord what do I know about it I only have a 4 year old. I'm sure I remember being this age though......

Your son is great. But I'm very that your DH refers to the "unacceptable flirtatiousness" of an 11 year-old girl.

sounds like you have a great neighbour, your some is ashamed and remoseful about what he has done, and i dont really think it needs to be blown out of any more proportion than that. you have had a chat. and handled it brilliantly - hope your dh doesn't mess up your highly excellent handling of the situation.

She is like that. In fact when my neighbour told me the first thought in my head was 'how true is this?' She is also very good at making things up, so I guess my first thoughts weren't totally bad. BUT, he has done this and no matter how flirtatious she is, it still isn't acceptable on his part...and he knows it.

I think this has shocked me more because he is such a great kid and always has been, so this has rocked me quite a bit. Gawd, there's me thinking 'Oh DS1 is no trouble at all, I'll have no worries there' Arrrggghhh! And I have 2 more sons!!!!!

Our next step is for DH to have a good talk with DS and then we will talk with both our neighbours about it together. DH is going to call Mr Neighbour (for want of a better word) tonight or tomorrow and we will then work out what we do from there.

Custardo, I really hope he doesn't either. I think I just need to show DS that I am always here for him and that while I think what he did was wrong, that I also see that it actually wasn't as big a deal as it seems. And that as long as he knows and accepts what he did was wrong (and I truly believe he does) that it will blow over very quickly.

And thank you all, it really helps to know you all think I have handled this in the right way. It really does.

If they were mucking about getting silly and giggly then it's just one of those things about crossing a line and then feeling terrible that he did.

I think your son has prob been feeling terrible and ever so embarrassed so thank goodness your neighbour talked to you about it.

Not sure about all meeting together as parents - more like tell your neighbour what you have done and ask them if there is anything more they feel should be done (apologies etc).

Do they go to the same school? Just to say if she's in year 7 she may be delighted with the street cred it could offer her and spread it about the school - or she could be massively embarrassed in case your son says something. So I would advise your son against chatting to his mates about it to protect the girl - and himself - from school yard scandal.

Oh god gagarin, DS would never talk about it to his mates!! They aren't at the same school so no worries about that.

Neighbour is going to ask her daughter if she wants DS to apologise (DS has said he would like to) but if she doesn't then we wouldn't push it. From the sounds of it, the girl just wants to forget about it.

Well needless to say, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night!

I have been thinking though and while I don't condone what DS did (he is the older one and shouldn't have done it) I have also remembered a conversation that some of the mums at school were having about the girl next door. Basically I am helping with the Christmas fair and have met up with a few mums to sort it out. One conversation that was had was about the girl next door at one of the other mums daughters sleepovers. She said that the neighbour daughter was talkig about sex constantly that night and she felt she knew way too much for her age. This was before this with DS happened. Now do I mention this to my neighbours, or should I just keep quiet as it may seem like I am trying to point score iyswim.

I'm not btw, I just don't feel it was all innocent on her part and maybe she needs to have a chat with her parents about what is appropriate behaviour and what isn't. What do you think?

If it was me, I really wouldn't mention it. For their part, they have been sensible and level headed about the situation and do not seem to be blowing it all out of proportion. I think you mentioning anything like that about their dd may just inflame the situation.

FWIW I think you have handled it all really well and when dh gets back, maybe just a quiet word with ds is all that is needed because the situation has been dealt with by you.

It's possible that this incident may prompt them to have a discussion about appropriate behaviour with their daughter anyway, Helpme. I also wonder whether she has a lot of knowledge about sex (as demonstrated by the chat at sleepovers) - simply because there is a lot of information aimed at girls in magazines and the media these days, but lacks the emotional maturity and understanding - and maybe what happened has brought a bit of the reality home to her.

You have handled this so well - as everyone here seems to agree, and it's also clear that your ds is a good lad who made a silly mistake - but boys do that. My ds's silly mistake at that age was to imitate his friend who was shoplifting. Ds nicked a packet of sweets so ineptly that he was immediately caught. This and the punishment imposed put the fear of god into him and he learned a big lesson from it - as I suspect your ds also has.

Hugs.

No, don't start casting aspersions on the daughter at this stage. And the fact that she talked to her parents re what your DS did implies she does have an idea of what is and isn't appropriate. You've handled this with dignity in a fantastic, loving way - don't start throwing other issues into the pot now.

I really wouldn't mention to your neighbours what anyone else has said about their daughter.

I echo people's concerns that your DH will undo your excellent work on this with your DS. There may be a danger of this getting our of all proportion. In his shoes I might be inclined, when he next sees your DS, to give him a huge hug and say he knows what has happened, and leave it there. You son has worried enough about this already and it doesn't need to become a major 'thing' in his life.

As for the girl's 'flirtatiousness', she's only 11. You posted on 'Teenagers' (obviously, because your DS is one) but she isn't. I would leave her to her own parents and let them deal with it in their own way.

Well done on your handling of this. I hope I'm like you when my DS get to that age.

Your son sounds lovely OP.I thinks it is possible that the girl went in to the situation consensually if you like and then got frightened.She may have been confused by this and thats what led her to tell her Mum.11 is scarily young but girls do grow up qucikly nowadays and 'know too much' but are unable to handle situations such as this.As a 14 year old boy your son is obviously going to want to explore the sexual side of life.Lots of 14 year old boys might not even see the problem with what he did.(I remember being 14 and being put under huge pressure by boys, me and my friends and groped and all sorts )Its great that he does.

I think if you have discussed it with the neighbours,and with him and you are happy with his reaction to itand they are then it should be left where it is.Having him apologise will just be embarassing for both parties and might make more of a thing of it then it is iyswim.
I wouldnt mention concerns about the girls 'knowing too much'.Would make the girls parents feel all the other Mums had been gossiping which wouldnt be nice but also wouldnt change anything.It just seems she might be a bit old beyond her years I suppose.

Thanks all. You are right and I have been thinking about it and won't mention anything to them about their daughter. Tbh, I haven't said anything before now because I really didn't see it as any of my business. I will however speak to DH about it as he needs to bear that in mind when talking to DS. I am going to speak to DH and tell him to be sensitive when speaking to DS. Like you all say, it could all be made into a bigger thing than it actually is if we aren't careful.

Anyway, thank you all so much, you have really helped me to get this clear in my mind.

I have made it very clear that this doesn't change how I feel about my son and that I see it as something silly he did and know that he has learnt a very valuable lesson from it.

brilliant thread

isn't MN wonderful sometimes ?