teen stepdaughter eating crap

[chuffinell]

although we always buy in decent food, and make a proper meal for tea every night my teenager step daughter will NOT eat vegetables or fruit.

she picks out the meat and sauce from whatever i cook, chucks the veg out

then come 9pm, she is eating crap - goes to shop and buys bloody pot noodles all the time (i refuse to buy them)

if she snacks its crisps and chocolate and a can of fizzy pop

its settiing such a bad example to my 3 year old, and SD has a very podgy tummy.

i have tried since i have lived with her (5.5 years now) and she will not improve her diet

she is 20 next birthday and should have a more mature attitude i think? she spends most of her spare time under a blanket on the settee saying 'Im cold'

does very little round the house, despite me trying to get her involved, giving her jobs to do etc,

am i fighting a losing battle?

If she is nearly 20 I think you have to respect her decision to eat crap. You may not like it, but she is an adult and it is up to her.

Does she have a job or go to college?

is she depressed? does she work? what is she doing in the day?

She's old enough to decide what she eats, as long as she pays for it. 19 is also not an age where people often want to be "involved" in household chores - but it's reasonable to expect her to help around the house, and pay towards bills etc if she is working.

she is in her 2nd year at uni and is depressed. her mum and partner have moved every year since she was 10 years old, and their final move took her nearer to uni but too far from her friends (she doesnt live in halls etc but alternates between our and theirs)

she is thinking of dropping out for a year and her stepdad has threatened to throw her out. i feel desparately sorry for her and of course she is welcome to live at ours, but i dont want my 3 year old picking up on her bad eating habits. and i am worried for SDs health too, of course.

we are supporting her emotionally but i think she wd feel better if she started eating properly

she has a weekend job in a nightclub and is often out all night as they socialise after. we tell her again and again that this is bad for her but she really enjoys the job

Uh oh sounds just like me when I was her age

I lived on pizza, chips, crisps and alcohol oh and 20 regal kingsize

My poor parents who owned a fruit and veg shop tore their hair out - I did not eat ANY fruit or veg apart from potatoes.

I was always slim and full of life.

Now I am 32 and eat a huge range of food, including, veg, turnip, carrots, parsnip, cabbage etc......fish sea food, curry, pasta etc things I would never have dreamt of eating.

I think you should relax about the food, but def get tough with regard to the lazing around and not helping- thats just disrespectful.

Does she work or study

At her age I was studying for a degree and working 5 nights a week at a restaurant and was still made to do chores

Tricky one.

DSD doesn't live with us, but has always been a splendid eater, till puberty hit.

She still eats what we eat, but all sorts of boundaries have been inflicted:

Eurgh, I only eat white fish

Eurgh, I only like cheddar

Eurgh, that steak's under-cooked

Eurgh, you do your eggs too runny

etc, etc.

She's only with us once a week now, and she is on the receiving end of a fair amount of good-humoured ribbing - we agreed that I'm not about to start making spaghetti hoops on toast for supper, and she likes what she likes, so I tend to make the things I know she's likely to enjoy, then throw in the occasional curve-ball. As I say, though, she doesn't live here full time, so much much easier than your situation.

"she has a weekend job in a nightclub and is often out all night as they socialise after. we tell her again and again that this is bad for her but she really enjoys the job "

Oh fgs thats what teenagers do stay out all night, course its bad for us, but most of do it surely????

That would be the least of my worries

The depression would be something I think you need to address however, sounds like she is having a shit time at the moment and has lost interest in special things

of course thats what teenagers do, i am not a total killjoy. i am glad she enjoys the job and has a social life, but we think its affecting her moods, she just wants to sleep all the time, and now cant cope at uni

of course when i was at uni i ate rubbish too i suppose.

i just want to help her break this cycle of negativity

on the positive side she just passed her drivig test and her mum gave her a car so she is more independant

i do try and cook her favourites eg spag bol, curry etc (i hide lots of veg in it like shes a toddler!) but theres always SOMTHING - currys too hot, not hungry at the moment. i do a fresh juice for her but with her coming and going all the time, i never can plan properly

yes she smokes too!

i suppose its hardly breaking news - teenager wont do chores, stays out, eats crap and sleeps lots but we are worried about her

any more comments appreciated, even if its to tell me i am being a plonker

i have to go now, but will log on again tomorrow

i dont think there is anything wrong with the job at the club, in fact i think its what 20 yr olds should be doing.

i wouldnt worry too much about her eating, her depression and her studies would be more of a concern to me.

set her specific tasks in the house, emptying the bin or washing the dishes, she she knows what she has to do rather than what she is expected to do, and doesn't.

My dss has a terrible diet incomparision to the little ones.

They accept quite readily that he can do certain things. At her age it is entirely her choice what she eats, but I would ask her if she wouldnt mind not doing it in front of little kids. (she could go to ktichen top and pick out bits there)

My DS's accept that DSS can do somethings they can't (go to shops on his own etc) and so maybe your kids will accept the same, she is old enough to choose they are not iyswim.

Hello. Just thought I'd give my view as I'm roughly the same age, although in my fourth year at uni now. She has obviously got depression as you have pointed out and that needs to be dealt with sensitively. Make sure you and your DP/DH (?) are always there so she can talk.
In terms of food, you need to speak to her about it. Talk to her as an adult, because she is one. Explain that she can eat what she wants, it's her choice, but that you want your 3 year old to have a healthy relationship with food, so if she wants to eat crap she can do it somewhere else (in her room). Also, don't buy her loads of crap, keep preparing healthy food like you do at the moment.
In regards to her job, I think you should be happy that she has one. It will help to keep he mind of things and also keep her off the sofa.
How much money does she pay you to stay? If nothing, then I think you have to set a token amount at least. If she were living in halls, or in a flat with friends then she would be paying a fair bit of rent, either from her job or from a student loan. She seems to be in a very fortunate position.
Also, if she lived in a student flat, she would have to do chores, unless her flatmates were all pretty dirty. As an adult she has to realise that everyone has to chip in. Maybe you could sit down with her and your partner and discuss what chores you will all do. Don't tell her what chores to do because she is not a child.
Also, you sound like a really caring person. That goes a long way.

Lilybeto, thank you for your kind and helpful post, i feel so touched by what you have written (i have tears in my eyes!)

we wont be charging her rent because her student debts are part of what is stressing her out, but we will expect her to do chores for her keep.

she had a meeting with her tutor and he has said he wont talk her out of defferring and will leave her place open till next academic year, and she seems to have transformed into a different person overnight, she said she feels like a weight has lifted, bless her. when i got home from work, she had tided up, cleaned the kitchen and put a load of her washing on! and she looked after our 3 year old while i went to the hairdressers, so she is a superstar

i feel proud of her for taking action re her course, and for taking control of her life, and hope this is the start of a happier DSD

thank you everyone for your advice, i think i was getting confused about what was a priority, and i dont think its the eating crap really

all we can do is support her, and try and build her confidence up, and not have any junk food in the house