I need your advice pleasse..if you could turn back the clock to preteen stage, what...

[eltham]

..would you do different?

I ask because I have a very stroppy 8 yr old dd and am worried that given the extent of her stroppiness and disrespect now, she will turn into a teen that will tell me to 'f* off'.

I give her 1-1 time; treats; listen to her, and so on but I'm also really intolerant of her stomping off when she can't have something, rudeness and shouting. But nothing seems to change and I can juts see her getting worse when hormones set in.

So if you could turn back the clock, would you do anything different to mediate their behaviour when they reach teenage years? Would you be firmer, more relaxed? Are there things you've regretted having done because it had behavioural/relationship consequences when they hit their teens? Mostly, I just want a close loving relationship with her and her behaviour is driving us apart so I'm so sad at the thought of it all getting worse when she hits puberty.

gawds I don't know. I did all the listening and talking etc and dd was still vile and ran away at 14.
Only thing I can think of is I would have kept her away from some of the teens who encouraged that sort of thing.

I would have focussed on the big picture more - the overall objectives for them. Independence, sense of responsibility, happiness. And tried to keep my distance a bit rather than wanting them to be happy every minute of the day no matter what.

What happens when you are 'intolerant of her stomping off' etc.

I say to her 'it's unacceptable for you to stomp off and make a noise like that (slamming doors, shouting, etc)...and depending on how cross I appear, she either says 'sorry' (but probably doesn't mean it...does it to appease I suspect)..or continues stomping...!

A mate of mine says that you should let them have an 'out' since they're frustrated and it needs to come out somehow, so her advice is to ignore it..but I don't on a/c of fearing that by the time she reaches 13, the doors will be haging off their hinges!

ooh I have an 8 year old dd so I am readign this with baited breath...

does it help at all if they are doing lots and lots of sport and work of their aggression a bit that way (hopeful)

Sadly my dd is not sport-inclined.

Does it help if you get them involved in some caring activity, running something for/with smaller kids, position of responsibility or soemthing like that

Or am I just naive to think you can avoid it all?

No idea, but you do need to give a child an 'out' where they don't lose face. Not easy in a one-to-one situation (I was a teacher before DD) but most easily phrased in a 'either this or that' sort of a way. And it shouldn't be 'either your way or my way' obviously. Or, 'if I do this for you will you do this for me' style. It has to seem fair.

apparently getting then involved in Brownies or other types of service oriented work can help ,.

I think doing Duke of Edinburgh awards was great for my teenager. She's incredibly lovely!

Offering choices is really good advice. We used to do the "you can come and sit with us now and we can continue the conversation in a civilised manner or you can take yourself upsatirs to chill for ten minutes and then come and talk about it in a civilised manner" - that way you've made it clear that the stomping isn't acceptable but given her an outlet if she needs to get away from things to sort herself out for a bit

I don't think tantrumming as an 8yo is necessarily going to be a sign that you will do it even more when you're a teenager, that it's all downhill from now on. Dd was very uncontrolled when she was 8, but is much more together now she is 12- fingers crossed it will last! Db used to have violent tantrums until the age of 10 and then was the most reasonable teenager you could imagine.

Pay attention to who your DD is hanging out with and the effect they have on her behavior.

Are you sure it's not hormones kicking in already? Seems to be starting earlier these days and must be even harder if you haven't got the mental maturity to deal with it (dd, I mean, not you)

Only advice I can give is stay calm, don't bite

• once you start retaliating in kind you've lost the moral high ground and can't be the grown up any more.

I found that age really hard work - I enjoy my teenagers far more

you know, I have wondered whether it's hormones...her body is definitely changed shape...not anything huge by any means but become more rounded, more..well curvy...she does do Brownies but I've yet to see the 'be kind to others' motto transfer into the home environment! She's fab with other people, mind..it's just at home. I know for a fact she definitely doesn't do stomping in school!

I think your mate's right to an extent.

I'd ignore the stomping off - some people need space to sort themselves out and can't be doing with someone in their face all the time.

In my house -

Occasional door slamming would be acceptable. Not constant. (I'm the only one who does it here!)

Rudeness is not acceptable.

Occasional shouting is acceptable. We all need to vent sometimes.

Agree with Cory. Just because a child is difficult at this age doesn't mean they will be a teenager from hell. It was the opposite in our case. I have a lovely teen girl with her head screwed firmly on. She enjoys being with me and we hardly ever clash. I found her impossible at 8.

Lots of her friends that were easy children are teen nightmares.

well it's reassuring that in some cases stompy 8 yr olds don't necessarily make for impossible teenagers.
Alleve, what did you do to make her a lovely teen girl with her head screwed on (hoping wistfully there's a secret formula that I might be given here..)

I am so hoping that my daughter will be one of those 'reformed' type teenagers. She was hard work at eight, too. Now she's ten she's a little easier.

I have always paid attention to what's happening with school and friends. She just chilled out by herself, thankfully.

do you mean that you influenced who she had as her friends at school, Alleve?

Oh I really hope the stroppy pre-teen turns into lovely teenager is true as I have the most incredibly stroppy nine year old. I love her to bits but at the moment she is a monster-so rude and unpleasant to me and her sisters (but an angel at school apparently). She says it's her "horrormoans" - very apt

No I haven't influenced anything. She stuck with the same group, they have all grown up differently but still look out for each other.

I'm just very open with her and she can tell me anything. Nothing to tell atm, but she confides in me about friends and she knows she can trust me.

We forget that 9 and even 8 year olds can be starting puberty hence mood swings. It can calm down once they start their periods.

Not suggesting this will solve all problems, but I really like this book. (Mine are 8 & 10 btw)

www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-Child/dp/1853407054

Things I wish I hadn't agreed to are allowing pc in bedroom- really regret this and very hard to remove once allowed. Mine is now 16 , hard work at 13/14 but now mostly lovely. Giving her her own space, recognising that she would do things that I didn't aprove of but she would do anyway and how we both dealt with that. We stuck to the no lies rule - I would rather know the truth however painful and deal with it than not trust her . Carry out what you threaten so don't threaten anything you are not prepared to follow through and try to remember that most things won't matter in a years time. Don't get into shouting matches- you are the adult and it's your house so you dictate how the rules go.

the trick is to have firm clear boundries - dont touch the fire, dont touch the cooker....no thats toddlers same thing

firm boundries
no you cannot do x,y,z

but be loving at other times

Sorry I haven't had the chance to read all the replies but my dd who is almost 12 went through a stroppy phase at a similar age to your dd, but it seemed to eventyually pass and she's a joy to be around (well, most of the time ). ds unfortunately is now 9yrs old and has found his inner voice that he likes to vent pretty frequently...I'm hoping like his dd, it's also a passing phase.
I don't tolerate any back chat and dh has always backed me up on this. Children definitely need boundaries and to know where they stand - I tell them that if they want more responsibility, they must earn it and show respect for others.
Good luck!