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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

MUM IN TEARS!! advice needed please

46 replies

almostanangel · 14/03/2005 10:48

hello i have 3 girls ,my eldest is 16 in june and she had me in tears last night ...i have tried to be a perfect mum but i feel a complete failure,,,she is very intelligent but over the last year she has let her school work slide...i asked her last night how she is doing with her revising,,and she screamed at me ,,that all i care about is her getting good results so i can tell all my friends how cleaver my daughter is...i was stunned ..its true i am proud of her as i am of all my girls...i was never told by my parents they were proud of me ,so i always tell my girls im proud of them ..and how much i love them ,,i am now not talking to my daughter because i am scared of upseting her and i know if i start i wont shut up...please give me advice..im in tears now ,,thank you..xx

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Tortington · 15/03/2005 14:31

welcome - and glad its all sorted xxxxxx

Katemum · 15/03/2005 22:17

I am so glad for you.

hopelesscase · 21/03/2005 09:30

I think I will read Anorak's long post (March, 11:14:20) every day from now on - and keep hoping that in our house, things will eventually change too.

What sort of an eejit was I to have two children within 13 months - who are now girls of 15 and 14!!

Thanks to everyone for the on-going encouragement - we need it.

Original poster
almostanangel · 21/03/2005 10:45

ok ,help!!!!!
weekend went well ..she has new boyfriend and is walking around grinning.....but i went to empty bins ,,and found note on her floor,,,seems to be a suicide note !! i am totaly at a loss now ..do i confront her or just thow it away ..

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anorak · 21/03/2005 10:51

I've seen things like this in my daughter's room - really gives you a jolt, doesn't it! Esp as my daughter did actually take an overdose at one stage. . Do you know where she is at the moment? If you found the note near her bin perhaps she was throwing it away? It's so hard to know what to do. You had a perfectly innocent reason for being in her room so why not ask her about it when she comes home? She might say that she wrote it six months ago in a moment of madness!

Aaargh! I often think I will not live to see my retirement and have a rest from all this, my kids will kill me . You must be feeling a bit of this at the moment.

Original poster
almostanangel · 21/03/2005 10:56

yes i do feel like that!! too..maybe she wrote it when she was stressed before the weekend ,,but it feels like amunition as noe=w i think ,,i better not upset her ..in case she does something..if i had know this is what having children was like i would have brought a dog instead ,,lol lol ..........oh need a cuppa

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Original poster
almostanangel · 21/03/2005 13:23

just called dd on her mobile ..school lunch hour..said i had found a note on her floor ..you could hear the blood drain from her face..she said sorry ,,she had meant to thow it away..i told her i loved her she said same ..more tea!!!

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Original poster
almostanangel · 21/03/2005 13:24

any one free for chat ,,while im on tea break ??

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throckenholt · 21/03/2005 13:28

when she gets home - sit down with her and tell her that you are not pre-judging her - but that if she has a problem then she really needs to talk to someone. If she can't talk to you (let her know you are there if she wants to) then she needs to fins someone else to talk to. Maybe suggest samaritans (is there an equivalent aimed at teenagers ?), and say it sometimes helps to talk to a truly impartial person.

Let her know your first priority is that you want her to be happy - everything else is secondary.

Original poster
almostanangel · 21/03/2005 13:33

thank you,,i dont think she meant it ..i think she was letting off steam ,,and i think she is freaked that i found it

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ThomCat · 21/03/2005 13:34

I'm not a mum of a teenager but was a teenager to a mum! Just wanted to say that you sound like you are doing an amazing job. Being a mum is so, so hard, and so is being a teeneager! At the end of the day hon' she's going to get angry with you, you're going to be the worst mother in the world, she'll hate you, shout at you, blame you, not talk to you and at the end of it all she'll emerge a wonderful grown up woman who has a great relationship with her mum. She has to go through it all that beautiful butterfly. Just keep doing what you are doing, give her freedom and respect without withdrawing so much that she feels you don't care. It's a difficult and fine line, but I think you're doing great. It'll all be ok in the end. Lots of love from an ex angry rebellious horrid teenager, TC xxx

Original poster
almostanangel · 21/03/2005 13:46

thank you thomcat..i forget to put myself in her position..i love my daughters so very much and it hurts like hell to see them hurt

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throckenholt · 21/03/2005 13:48

I agree - she probably didn't mean it - but if she thinks that you think she might (if you get what I mean) then that might help. If you can show her that your first priority is to get her help if she needs it and doesn't feel she can come to you it might jolt her a bit.

I agree most teenagers can be stroppy and hate their parents and their lives, the only thing you can do is try and keep the communication lines open until you get out the other side. If you lose your temper and say things you don't mean, be big about it and apoligise when you calm down - if you try and be consistent about that then she will probably follow your example and you will stay friends.

Original poster
almostanangel · 21/03/2005 13:52

that is what i did last week ,,i was really angry with her and hurt because of things she said ..but i went to her and just held her hand and hugged her ,,even though i was still steaming!

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throckenholt · 21/03/2005 13:59

yep - tough being a parent !

But you have to be the adult because she is still struggling to learn how to be one.

Do your best to let her see you are human too and have feelings, and get can upset and unreasonable too , but you calm down later and try to make amends.

What the phrase ? It's just a phase - keep repeating that !

ThomCat · 21/03/2005 14:03

The best thing my mum ever did for me was to let me know she was there but never interfere. The knowledge that I was allowed to go through what i was going through, experience life for myself, experiment, and so on, but all the time knowing that my mum cared passionatley about me, and was there, waiting in the wings if I needed her, was wonderful.

If I was doing something that i shouldn't have been, the fear of her finding out, not fear of her anger, but the fear of disappointing her and letting her down, stopped me from going too far.

She would explain to me that this is what she was doing, giving me my freedom but that she was always looking out for me. She was trusting me to make the right choices or at least learn from the wrong ones and she was only ever a few steps behind me, arms at the ready to catch me if I looked like I needed a steadying hand.

It is obvious how much you love your girls Almostanangel. You sound lovely, and i think you live up to your name.

Good luck and remember mumsnet is always here with some wonderful women to support you when you need to scream, shout, cry, or tell us how proud you are TC x

Original poster
almostanangel · 21/03/2005 14:15

dear thom cat thank you ..........i found this site by accident the other day ,,and cant believe how nice people are ...i hope i can help someone too one day ...i wish i had found it ages ago...........only complaint it should come with free tissues ,,as i always seem to be crying when i get messages ......... xx

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CountessDracula · 21/03/2005 14:19

almostanangel it sounds like you have a serious case of teenaged angst on your hands - I was similar I'm sure.

My mother was wonderful, she used to allow us to make our mistakes but give us advice eg "Well if I were you I wouldn't go to that all-night party because you'll end up stuck there and fed up at 6am, if you come home by 1am I'll come and fetch you" etc...

After a while I discovered for myself that she was usually (not always!) right and so found myself following her suggestions more and more and life got easier.

ThomCat · 21/03/2005 14:33

It is a great site. I have found some wonderful support when I've needed it, and have people to laugh with or a virtual shoulder to cry on at pretty much any time of the day. It's terribly addictive Some of the things the people have done on this site for other people give me goose bumps sometimes, and have been quite literally life saving in some instances. You've found a great site in mumsnet and i look forward to 'seeing you' around and chatting to you more.

Love TC x

Original poster
almostanangel · 21/03/2005 14:35

countessdracula..thank you.i am hoping that dd and i will one day look back and ..cringe knowing my luck it will be when her sister who is nearly 14 takes over !!!drives you batty.....sorry couldnt help that!!xx

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Original poster
almostanangel · 21/03/2005 14:36

Dear tc thanks

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