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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14th Birthday - some advice please

53 replies

notsoseriousanymore · 16/10/2008 23:04

What would you say if asked to provide alchopops?

What would you do if you knew none of the other parents of children being invited?

Advice on how to handle this please.

I am a Step mum, so can't ask her mum for advice.

Thanks,

NSSA

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 18/10/2008 23:15

I would say no to alcohol at a party for 13-14 year olds.

I'm happy to let my nearly 13 year old have the odd glass of wine and lemonade with a meal, and I'm happy to discuss responsible drinking and ensure that alcohol isn't seen as some exciting 'forbidden fruit'.

That is a very different scenario to sending your child to a party with alcopops, when you don't know any of the adults involved, or what level of supervision will be provided.

I would let my DCs go to the party, and trust them not to drink alcohol.

That would be the deal - if they didn't like it, then they could turn down the party invite and stay at home.

My responsibility is to allow my children increasing independence in a gradual, safe and manageable way.

I am their parent, not their friend. I don't care if they think I'm uncool.

nappyaddict · 18/10/2008 23:22

notsoserious - some parents might be ok with their child having one alcopop to toast the birthday girl. why don't you say to stepDD if you ask all your friends for their parents numbers I will ring them and see if they would be ok with you having 1 alcopop each so then you know who is and who isn't allowed. or put on the invitation if you are happy for your child to have 1 alcopop ring this number to confirm.

herbietea · 18/10/2008 23:24

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llareggub · 18/10/2008 23:29

But why to we have to encourage this ridiculous obsession with needing alcohol to have a good time? You don't need alcohol to toast the birthday girl.

I'd say that parents can encourage a sensible attitude to alcohol by showing that a good time can be had by all without alcohol. I was invited to a child's birthday party recently and all the adults were drinking. No soft drinks were provided at all. Great message for the children, eh?

herbietea · 18/10/2008 23:42

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nappyaddict · 19/10/2008 00:24

no you don't need to toast the birthday person at a party but it is nice to and a socially acceptable thing.

Saturn74 · 19/10/2008 00:52

I don't think it's socially acceptable at 14.

SqueakyPop · 19/10/2008 07:56

It's not socially acceptable at 14!!!

No wonder this country is going down the pan.

Condoning kids drinking when they should be being kids is all wrong. Giving into 'social' pressure is just not right - it is not the right way to be the adult in the relationship.

The next thing after drinking is shagging, and I've seen too many threads on Mumsnet where everyone says you can't stop them - not true at all. You can give them values.

bagsforlife · 19/10/2008 10:10

My DCs are 22, 20, 13 and we have had our fair share of drunken antics. I would seriously ban alcopops. They are really sending out the wrong message, they are sweet, 'pop' type drinks which have, IMO, hidden alcohol. They guzzle them like soft drinks.

When my DD was about 14 (I think) she pushed for them at a party, and I had no idea what they were, I had no idea they had spirits in them. Honestly, they are much more potent that half a cider or something I should think, and when you are drinking cider/lager/wine you know it is alcohol.

Believe me they all start drinking vast amounts pretty soon, I would try and curb it for as long as possible, whilst trying not to make such a song and dance about it that you drive them to drink.

By the way, I drink quite a lot myself so I am not in any way against alcohol, just think they really don't need it at 14!!!!

nappyaddict · 19/10/2008 10:22

i didn't say it was socially acceptable at 14.

llareggub · 19/10/2008 11:05

You did rather imply it in your comment about toasting the birthday girl. I have a very different attitude to alcohol now that I did in my late teens early twenties. I had liberal parents who did the whole easy introduction to alcohol thing and I believe it gave me a very bad attitude to alcohol, although my parents probably weren't good role models.

In my thirties I am teetotal due to an alcoholic husband who has been sober for nearly two years. His parents introduced alcohol early too. I'm not saying that made him an alcoholic, but I believe that in this country most people could not envisage a social occasion without alcohol.

lazymumofteenagesons · 19/10/2008 16:42

Definitely No to alcopops at 13/14. I have to admit I bought a crate of beer and cider when my son had 10 friends over for his 15th. I went to the cinema and came back to find a couple of his friends with mop and bucket clearing up MY sons vomit!

However, alcopops just cover up the taste of the alcohol and are introducing it to them in the wrong way.

Original poster
notsoseriousanymore · 19/10/2008 17:01

Ok, I take all your comments on board...

To whoever said that they wouldn't have to ask on a message board though: If your kids have a step mum, PLEASE TALK TO HER.

I am a step mum. I DO NOT have teenagers (yet!). I had a totally strict upbringing, so really don't know what is and isn't acceptable (certainly not these days!)

I KNOW my step daughter is playing on the whole 'she doesn't talk to my mum' (for what it's worth - Her mum won't speak to me, and I am not allowed to contact the parents of my DSD's friends)

So, if you do happen to have to deal with a new wife, please don't assume she's evil and please DO assume that she actually might appreciate your input.

Anyway, I do appreciate your comments and now know that I am not being a fuddy duddy by saying no!!

OP posts:
Merrylegs · 19/10/2008 17:30

Ooh, you know what you do need though - a chocolate fountain. Also, don't know what kind of party it is, but as a veteran of my kids attending 14th birthday parties, I know that most dads, plus any spare male adults dress up in djs and act as bouncers on the door - for a bit of fun rather than in anticipation of any real trouble! And no, no one knows who anyones parents are. Chances are they will dump their kids and run and not even come in and say hello. (Although I always make a point of going and saying hello to birthday child and parents whether I know them or not. Don't care if it makes me an old fuddy duddy!)

SqueakyPop · 19/10/2008 17:35

Serious, don't feel that you need to lose or question the values you grew up with. Hold steadfast to them.

It is a total cop out to say the world has changed. It may have changed, but changed for the worse.

It is up to good families to take a stand against teenage drinking and shagging. It is not right, even with the most PC outlook.

Original poster
notsoseriousanymore · 19/10/2008 18:38

But, I suppose that's part of my problem, Squeakypop - I DON'T KNOW what happened even 20 years ago. I heard things, I suppose, but I was never allowed out and I resented that.

So I certainly don't want to inflict my unbringing on my DSDs or my DS. It was far too strict.

But it does leave me wondering how to make a party cool without being OTT.

And when I say I was NEVER allowed a party, I do really mean that. My first party ever was my 21st after I left home. Nothing else was allowed.

OP posts:
BodenGroupie · 19/10/2008 20:13

Just endured dd's 15th birthday. I'd assumed that celebrations would die out once they started secondary school until the big 18th. How wrong I was! We couldn't agree on what to do so I gave her money to cover her present and party and told her to decide on how she split it. Greed for Jack Wills clothes overcame the desire to party and she went out for an Indian with a group of friends. They had a jug of water to save money and the bill for nine of them only came to £35 . Almost feel I should apologise to the restaurant. All the girls came back for a sleepover and they seem to have had a great time and restored my faith in teenagers.

FWIW my rule about alcohol is small amount of beer or wine at home with a meal - weekends only. I've said I'd prefer no alcohol at all if we're not there but realise that it's going to happen at some point but under no circumstances should she have alcopops or spirits. Close friend had her drink spiked at her first proper party last week and ended up in hospital. DD tells me horrendous stories about friends binge-drinking but having spent the night clearing up a friend's vomit recently I'm hoping she's not attracted to the idea. All I can do is lay down the rules and hope for the best.

I'm also a stepmum - DSS is now a lovely thirty year old but was a nightmare as a teenager, probably partly due to the fact that I was a very young stepmum and got very unexpectedly landed with him when he was twelve with no instruction manual. Teenagers can be hard work at the best of times but when there are so many other undercurrents (his mother still hasn't ever spoken to me - we've been married for 23 years), new babies etc it's even harder. Sounds like yours is lucky you care enough to get it right. Good luck with the party

BodenGroupie · 19/10/2008 20:14

Sorry, that was really long, I get a bit passionate about teenagers/stepkids/alcohol

nappyaddict · 19/10/2008 22:34

i said toast the birthday person. as in people in general when they have a birthday. not specifically NSSA's SDD.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 19/10/2008 23:06

I don't see how your suggestion could work in practice anyway Nappyaddict. I mean going round the party guests, ticking them off a list - here you are A, your mum said you could have an alcopop; only lemonade for you I'm afraid B, your parents are old fuddy-duddies....
Not exactly going to put them in the party mood is it?

nappyaddict · 19/10/2008 23:22

A friend from work has just done this at her 15 year olds party. She didn't hand them out. She said for those whose parents said it was ok there are alcoholic drinks on the table and also some non-alcoholic cocktails. There is only enough of the alcoholic ones for 1 each for those that are allowed. I think I can trust to not try and sneak one but remember i do know who is and isn't meant to be having them.

SqueakyPop · 20/10/2008 07:24

This begs the question why anyone would want o supply alcohol at a teenagers birthday party. It is simply not worth the expense or the risk.

SittingBull · 20/10/2008 07:48

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mumeeee · 20/10/2008 15:05

You don't have to toast the birthday girl with alcohol. You can toast her with non alcoholic cocktails or punch.

Original poster
notsoseriousanymore · 20/10/2008 16:34

Thanks for all the replies on this.

It has been extremely helpful. Sittingbull - I think you have summed up perfectly the risks, morally and legally.

Dh and I have a good talk about this this afternoon and we have agreed:

  1. No alcopops at all. Period.
  2. We will get 1 bottle of champagne to toast as DSD and her closest friends are getting ready (there will be 4 adults here too, so 1 small glass each)
  3. Once the party starts, we will not supply any alcohol at all.
  4. We will stay in the house at all times (She was hoping to get us to go out)

She is a sensible, mature girl... But, we don't know her friends (or, to be fair, how she would act around them) nor do we have experience of children's parties (hence the original post) so, we've agreed that it's best to err on the side of caution, especially the first couple of times and because of the age of the kids involved.

I would like to thank everyone who replied... The universal 'NO' has made the whole thing much easier to agree on, and has given us lots of ammo to convince DSD it's the right thing to do!!

Thanks again, NSSA x

OP posts:
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