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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Stealing money

9 replies

swedishmum · 08/10/2008 00:25

I thought money had gone from my purse, but checked tonight and found £80 in dd2's purse - plus she's bought shoes etc. She knows she's been caught/in trouble etc. Any success stories from suitable sanctions? I'm at a loss and incredibly disappointed.

OP posts:

Witchybella · 08/10/2008 12:35

Has she explained to you why she did it?

I am for you. Horrible when this happens.

Original poster

swedishmum · 08/10/2008 16:25

No explanation - said she doesn't know why she did it! When I found money missing yesterday I could have easily suspected my lovely cleaner who was here at the time - how awful would that have been? (Actually I wouldn't have suspected her but I pointed the fact out to dd.)
So how long do I make her suffer? Obviously popping into town on the way home from school is banned - I picked her up today - and her laptop is only allowed for strictly supervised homework.
She's not 13 till next month so not even a real teenager yet. I'm really tempted to cancel her school ski trip but that's not till 2010 (monthly installments) and I may have calmed down by then.

OP posts:

mumonthenet · 08/10/2008 21:46

well, starting from the point that the punishment has to fit the crime....

does she get an allowance?

does she want something big/expensive?

do you normally buy her a lot of stuff?

can you work out a way for her to pay back what she has nicked(what you assume she has nicked?

i.e. you deduct something from her allowance for as long as it takes.

Maybe you SHOULD cancel her school trip - you may not think it has an effect but perhaps the immediate knowledge that she can't look forward to it will get it through to her that other people's money is not hers. (Maybe in a year you can still reinstate the school trip, if appropriate),

In brief, I think the consequence has to be something to do with money.

PurplePumpkinWitchyOne · 09/10/2008 00:54

DD1 had been at it for quite a while before it sunk in.
Nicked from my purse, sometimes quite obviously and she thought I was stupid! Skimmed a little here and there from the pennies and silver jar. (which gets cashed in at xmas so for her benefit)
The last time she did it, she memorised my pin and used my cashcard. Thankfully only a tenner, but being on benefit, it was a tenner I needed. I work 4 hrs a week and when she stole from his penny / pound / euro jar and found her pockets full of change, then I took her to the police. Harsh, yes, but she needed to learn. That if she stole off random strangers, she would be hit with it anyway.
I made her hand back the cash she nicked from my work, grovel to the policeman, apologise to her dad cos she nicked from him too and she never got any pocket money until I was paid back.
She learnt the hard way but these days...DD2's money box is behind my bedroom door, along with my penny / silver jar / purse...while door is neatly fitted with a Yale lock.

Problem solved. If she can't get to it, she can't nick it. Plus I confiscated all her stuff. Tv, dvd, ps2, nds, mobile phone.

wehaveallbeenthere · 09/10/2008 01:02

How you raise your children is your business, I can only offer my own experience.
When youngers (niece, nephews, brothers etc.) would lift money without asking they get the same treatment as a common thief. They get frisked down before leaving and if they ask and do get some money then receipts are in order. They are taught to take responsibility for their spending. As soon as they are able they get a job to learn the value of money while having the knowledge (lecture) that if they do this at job or to strangers or anyone they will go to jail if caught and will accept the responsibility for their actions.
I would also keep an eye on the friends as peers can have good and bad influences. Just my opinion but it worked for me.

Original poster

swedishmum · 09/10/2008 17:21

Without wanting to let my dd off I agree it is partly peer influence - her school is on the edge of a town (we live in the sticks) and she's been going into town from time to town with friends. They seem to have more cash for clothes etc. Not that stealing money from me is an excuse.
I have taken her laptop, phone (uses it as an MP3), cashcard, phonecard, purse and have searched her bag. Some of the money was in an envelope for a charity thing at school!!
Dh couldn't find £120 so she was chief suspect - she denied it vehemently but understood that she now would not be trusted. Luckily he remembered he'd put it in his dressing gown pocket.... (no idea why but pleased it wasn't dd).
I like the idea of receipts though she won't be getting any money for a while. She's not going near the shops (I'm collecting her rather than school bus for now) without me and has absolutely no cash anyway. She's pretty embarrassed - she's bright, popular, other kids' parents like her etc - and dreading her dad coming home from work tomorrow night.

OP posts:

wehaveallbeenthere · 10/10/2008 02:12

It is not easy being a parent is it. My middle child thinks money grows on trees. The school sends home all sorts of drives with the students and expects them to grill friends, relatives and anyone else for money to meet these drives but every year I write them a nice (but firm) note stating that we allot money to charities at the beginning of the year and when that is over it is over. As far as fundraisers we do support some but also choose to support in other ways such as sending in more supplies than personally needed...volunteering time or baked goods for carnival etc. I know they probably frown at that but we cannot afford to give to all those that ask...if we could then I guess we could be world bank. Please post how your success with your child goes. If you come up with a winning strategy please share as mine aren't that age yet.

NannyNanny · 13/10/2008 20:51

"HELP PLEASE DD10yrs old is stealing from us" Not sure how to link a topic, but the one above might help you. It is in the behaviour and development section.

sunnygirl1412 · 14/10/2008 18:18

I am going through the same thing right now. My 11 year old ds has been taking money from my purse and spending it at the local shop (on his way to and from school) and at the tuck shop at school.

It all came to a head last night when my dh thought £10 had vanished from his wallet (he later found he'd dropped it). I mentioned the instances of finding I'd less money in my purse than I'd thought I had, and we put two and two together.

We asked all three ds's to come down for a chat, and when we asked them if anyone knew, the youngest did own up (not straight away but fairly fast). I felt sick at the thought of this - to be honest, it makes me feel like such a failure as a mother because it's my job to teach them right and wrong - and I thought I was doing an OK job. The 11 year old had recently found £20 and brought it straight to me so we could hand it in to the police - and got lots of praise for this from the wpc at the police station as well as from me - so I had no reason to suspect this was happening - to be honest, I thought that I was just forgetting I'd spent the money (I have depression and it has badly affected my memory).

He's going to pay back the money, obviously, and we are going to need to think of some further punishment- but what I need yo know is how rebuild the trust.

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