My son- aged 22-please help- still like a teenager.

[girlsnextdoor]

I could post this under teenagers but my son is 22.
I just need to offload here and need some perspective.

My son is about to come home after 4 years at uni. He has a temp job whilst he applies for a grad job, due to start, hopefully, next summer.
Meanwhile, he wants to live at home as it will be cheaper and he can repay some of his debts, including £10K he owes us that we borrowed for him to do his Masters.

all this sounds fine except he has the most foul temper and when he was at home before we never stopped arguing. It got so bad when he was a young teen that we had to get professional help. It was driving a wedge between me and my DH as our relationship has always been rocky.

Last night, DS brought some stuff back from uni- and he was rowing with me within a couple of hours. all over nothing- moving his stuff out of the hall as I wanted to hoover up and he said wait- DH stepped in, to support me, DS went loopy, shouting and hollering that he would do it in a couple of minutes and to leave his stuff alone.

I walked away into another room and he followed me, shouting at me, trying to put his "case" over. I tried to close the door onhim saying I had walked away to avoid talking to him as I was fed up with arguing. DH came to intervene, DS pushed him away, all manner of shouting started, with DS telling DH that I- his mum- was behaving like a fucking retard.

Two hours later he drove back to uni, for a couple of days to finish his work, then he is due to come home again for months. I have said he can't and that he has to rent a flat.

I am almost crying writing this. I love him to bits but I cannot stand this. it makes me ill. I hardly slept last night and for 4 years when he has been away at uni my health has been better than ever,my career has taken off again. When he was at home before, I was often exhausted and just really miserable.

I feel so torn- I do love him, and I know he has a bad temper. I don't know whether we need to give him another chance, say a few weeks to settle in, or carry out what we siad, which is tof ind a flat. he will be going to work with DS as his job is in the same company, so it will be inconvenient for DH if he is living elsewhere as he would have to do a detour to collect him each day, I expect.

I just feel so fed up and he was only home for 3 hours.

Maybe, as much as he needs to stop acting like a child, you need to start treating him as an adult? You should be asking him to contribute now, maybe a reduced rate or a share of the bills - he has his temp job, it is still a job and he shouldn't expect to continue his student spending/budgeting now that he is earning.

Permanent or not he must pay his way somehow.

Just read back... is he working with/for your dad? Am I reading that right?

Is that his choice? (your son's)

Can feel blood pressure rising as I read this thread. I have same problem with a DD aged 22

DH wants her to move home so we can stop forking out 300 a month on rent for her to live away.

I know from experience me and her will only last 2 hours under the same roof before we start screaming.

Sorry - me again. Is it possible that you are too hands on and should back off a bit? You sound like you are a successful woman but one who has some issues over control Just some of the things you have written. Sorry, I don't want to sound rude.

Just that I wonder why you expect your husband to give your son the cold shoulder and then get upset when he (your husband) asks, (and I assume, gets) an apology and is then able to move on and continue to have an amicable realstionshio with him...

Also the him cooking and you wanting to clean thing... why did it erupt? Was it a bit of both? Maybe you feel teritorial in a home where your son has not been for long periods of time but now you have to get used to sharing the space and it's all a bit difficult - for both of you?

He should contribute, and perhaps you should try not to expect the worst of him and see what happens?

Thanks benanieb- no offence taken!
I am a bit of a control freak, yes. I would not say I am successful in the sense of my career as I gave it up for my kids really and only work p/t now.

First point- he is working at my DH's company ( not his own co.- where he works) and this was DS choice- he asked for work and they had plenty, as he has worked there before all during student hols.

Second point- I suppose that although DH supports me, I feel his support is not in proportion to the "events". DS looks up to him and respects him, whereas he seems to have none for me at all.

Re. the incident this time- it was minor- he was cooking, pre going back to uni for a few days- and had brought some stuff back home. It was all in the hall in front of the door and I asked him to move it, as I wanted to hoover. (had been away for 2 days and place looked grubby - I had also just driven 250 miles- not with him- been to see elderly parents - and wanted to do it whilst I still had the energy!

He flipped and said he would do it when he had had his dinner ( which was putting a ready meal in oven). At this point DH stepped in an d started moving the stuff upstairs. DS flipped and started shouting at ME, I walked away saying I was not going to argue, he followed me and stuck his foot in the door of the room when I tried to close it as I did not want him shouting at me and being abusive.

So you can see that although DH was actually involved, it was me who got all the flack- as always. DS seems to have a thing about me doing anything that requires him to do something that suits me- and not him at that precise moment.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but do you see 'giving him the cold shoulder' as part of his 'punishment'? I had a very difficult relationship with my mum when I lived at home and one of the things that really poisoned things was that she would never just accept an apology from me but would act coldly to me for days afterwards and just drag out the argument basically until she felt that I'd apologised enough. I would just end up feeling very angry with her that she seemed to want to make me feel as terrible as possible before she could get over it.

Whilst I can appreciate that just because someone has apologised doesn't necessarily mean that you can forget about it, I do try with my own children to move on from rows as soon as possible. I just wonder whether this is why your husband's relationship with your ds is better than yours....really hope you don't mind me saying this, I know I don't know all the facts etc etc.

Kick his arse OUT. He needs to face up to the real world, where people don't let you live rent free in their house if you call them a 'fucking retard' and generally act like a stroppy teenager around them.

Seriously - cut the apron strings now and put up with a few months of bad blood. He NEEDS to grow up. It is for his own good.

Hi DaisyS- no don't mind at all- in fact any ideas are welcome!

It's a fair point.

Thing is- he hasn't apologised yet anyway.

If he does, then I will accept it graciously, and move on, but with no apology then I just feel the matter has not been closed down.

Is this just me or is that right?

He seems to feel that what he dishes out to me is justified in some way, and that is is my behaviour that is in the wrong, and that is why he rants and raves.

Mattie- if he does live here, it will not be rent free- he will pay his way.

No, I think it's fair enough to want an apology. Have you had a chat about it? Have you ever had counselling together as a family? If I were you, I would definitely ask him to move out. I don't think you've any other option - you clearly can't live with him for your health, sanity and marriage and I think the space can only improve things! Please don't back down on this or try and subsidise his rent!

Personally, if this was a recurrent situation, I would ask him to leave. I would support him in other ways, but I would not let a grown man live in my house while being abusive towards me. He really is old enough to know that this isn't the way to treat other human beings, especially those that care about you.

Girlsnextdoor, I think his attitude is unacceptable and the things he says must be stopped. But, I think Beanieb is onto something - he's your son, and a member of your family, so perhaps it's not entirely fair to be quite so control freak-like around him? that's not to say I don't sympathise with you 100% - nothing is more frustrating than when you're tired and just want to make the house look nice so you can rest - but, was it really necessary to insist he moved his stuff that minute while he was about to eat? I know that if I'm eating or getting ready to eat, don't ask me to do anything else as I can't concentrate.

I don't want to support his behaviour or the things he says, I'm just wondering if there shouldn't be a bit more give and take on both sides?

He should grow up and not speak to you like that. My girls are 31,18 and 16. I have had big rows with all of them ( mostly the 18 year old0. But when twe have calmed down. they usually apolagize and we move on. I would never give then the cold shoulder.

i would like to say that my partner is 22 and he is the best father in the world to my 2 little princesses but sometimes i think he behaves like a teenager aswell, not to the extremes you mention but shouting and stuff. i think its just men of that age in general.